Post-Op

I've been dragging my feet about sharing my post op.  Mostly because I just don't feel any better about any of this.  I'm so bummed that even after all this I can't find any hope.

Dr. S showed me my pictures of my messed up insides.  I had so many dark cyst it was crazy.  He showed me my poor left ovary.  It was covered in a mess of scar and endo tissue that has glued itself onto my bowel and pelvic wall.  He explained that this was probably what was causing all the "pulling" sensations.  After he had removed all the tissue he added a weird mess device around the ovary to hopefully prevent it from reattaching while healing. The device is suppose to dissolve, in fact should be gone now.  That does worry me a bit, because what will prevent it now since most of us all know that endo doesn't stop growing just because of a lap.  We also know that I won't just magically stop having cyst rupturing.   My tubes looked great, which was a relief.  It was nice to know that the on tubal ectopic I had was just a random fluke and not because of my tubes being destroyed my endo.

My uterus was different story.  Dr. S told me that there was barely a spot in my uterus that was not covered in endo or adeno.  Crazy.  It's been no wonder I've felt so terrible and had so much bleeding.  He removed as much and as deep as he could, but he was trying to be careful because while removing it is good, it does also create more scar tissue, which just provide a welcome mat to growing endo.

That really all he did. It was good, but I don't feel it was enough.  He didn't search outside of these areas, which I know shouldn't effect my infertility, but I'm thinking about my quality of life as well.  I know in my other surgeries Dr. N had looked everywhere and had found stuff on my bowels, stomach and intestines.  I have no doubt I have some back, but I don't think that was taken care of.  I know I pursued this surgery in hopes of helping us in having a child, but I did also want to have some time of feeling better, and now I'm sure that is going to happen.

Dr. S went on to explain that he thinks that I'm still no ovulating.  I was like um, how is that possible?  Clearly I have since I've been pregnant.  He then went on to explain that yes technically I've been ovulating, but they have been chemical/clinical pregnancies, which basically means that while we had implantation issues, we also may not have had fully mature eggs.  This confused me because all my follies have been of good size.  He went on to explain that when monitoring everything is guess work.  He said that while I've had good follie sizes there may not be an egg, or a good egg inside.  My body is going through the motions of getting pregnant, my HCG raises, and I've even had a sac, but other then our first, we are not sure that anything was really there, or at least anything truly viable.

Well this was a lot to process.  It made me feel like the children we lost were suddenly nothing.  I felt like I shouldn't feel sad for them.  I know that's not true.  I know the chemical doesn't mean there wasn't something there, but it makes me feel like the loss of them is suddenly less important.  This in itself was a lot to take in.  I'm still trying to process what this all means.  How am I suppose to have hope that things could work now, when really nothing has truly gotten better?

Dr. S is ready to rush forward with trying again.  I was on birth control before and after surgery.  Today is suppose to be my last pill . Then I am suppose to wait for AF and start with my base scan.  I've been spotting/light flow since my surgery so I know it won't take long for AF to show.  Once the base scan clears me of cyst I am suppose to start 5 days of fermera, a oral pill normal used to treat breast cancer, but in different dosage is good for treating endo, or helping to stimulate the ovaries.  Once that is complete I'll start gonal injections, and start monitoring with ultrasounds and blood work.  Our hope is that with the blood work we can have a better idea if I'm really ovulating or not, or if it's good quality or not.  The idea is to do this cycle, get results, and depending on what happens, repeat one more time.

The crazy part is that he only wants us to do this 2, maybe 3 more times and then go straight into IVF, he doesn't want us to waste time with an IUI because he doesn't feel it would help, since it's not a male factor at all, it's an ovulation and implantation issue.  I haven't been able to share fully with this doctor that my husband and I are not really for IVF, but I have to say, now that we've made it to this point where IVF looks like it may be our only hope, I'm wavering in that choice.  I even sense that my husband is. Money may be the deciding factor anyway, but I'm not sure what to do. Dr. S holds more hope with IVF because we can actually see quality, and know that it's got a real chance of survival, but then there is still implantation to content with.  Though with being freshly cleaned out there is some hope that it could happen.

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.  I've been stuck in this weird funk.  I haven't wanted to go hang out with anybody, it doesn't help that my friends around me all have kids and, while they try, completely fail at understanding.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't yet feel recovered from my surgery, but I'm suppose to be deciding if we start the journey of TTC again.  We haven't decided if we want to try, or wait another month.  This means more time for endo to grow, more time to lose even more eggs.  It means that we have more time to heal from our last loss, my surgery, and time to think and make more knowledgeable choice. We have until tomorrow evening to make a choice.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my peace, and I have no idea what to do, what to think, or what to feel.  Why does the journey for children have to be so hard, why are the the most undeserving incompetent people able to so easily conceive and birth healthy babies?  I'm angry, sad, and so tired.  I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm happy all the time.

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

Happy Weekend

I feel as if I've kind of ran away from the world for a few days, or weeks really.  I think I vaguely mentioned how I was currently still doing stims to help keep my ovaries awake while we decide what to do.  I feel like I'm losing my mind, and turns out, I kind of am, or at least my hormones are going wild.

I felt stuck in this place of desperation, desperation for a child, longing for the children I had that didn't get to be born and frustration for all those failed cycles that got us nowhere.  I'm so tired of my life being ruled by cycles.  My period shows, and I'm stuck in bed barely able to move, eat, or live with the pain, then I start taking stims.  I quickly turn into a hot flashing crazy lady.  Then starts drinking gallons of water at a time (okay maybe a slight exaggeration) taking pre-natal all in the hopes that it might help.  My hormones go crazy and I stop having control of my emotional state.  I start having pains in my ovaries.  I have to violated often by other men often to watch the growth of my follies and my lining thickness.  I have to be careful to avoid OHSS, which I never want to deal with again.  Then I wait for 2 long torturous weeks.  Thanks to all the meds I get to feel pregnant.  I have to physically treat myself as though I am.  Those two weeks I have no live.  I can't lift too much, I can't do lot of movements I normally would do.  Then when that lovely bloody monthly curse shows up, I get to deal with the sadness of having failed again, and also the pain of my cramps and the beginning of another cycle.  What kind of life is that?  In that whole time I only have a small window of opportunity of when I can have a life without serious painful side effects.

I had forgotten what it was like to have a normal life.  I had forgotten how much I needed it.  Since my ectopic I've been on limited duty.  We had to deal with paying all the bills from the blood work, from the hospital and from the shots that I had to take.  Finally we were in a financially decent (not great, just decent) place  again, so my hubs decided it was time to take me out for a date.  It was a great a night.  We went to a movie and then went to dinner.  We ended up sitting until 1 Am at the restaurant just talking and enjoying ourselves.  We had good long conversations that didn't focus on medications, pain, or budgeting out next cycle.  It reminded of when we were dating.  We had some great talk about heaven that for a moment gave me some peace and calming as we thought of our children up there. It's one of the first time I've thought of our children and not been overcome with sadness and anger.

Saturday was a good day for us, we both got up about the same time and had a lazy day watching movies.  We met some friends for dinner as we do each week.  I designed a baptism invite for a friend while there, which was a bit sad, but I treated it like a job and was able to keep my sadness at bay.  Later that night we meet some friends who just got in town.  It was another young couple with no children.  We had so much fun and it was nice to hang out with friends with no children.  That may sound bad, but it was nice.  We stayed up until 3 AM at Denny's chatting, laughing, and joking.   I got home that night morning thinking about how fun this weekend had been.

Sunday was our annual family reunion on my husband's side of the family.  This was even fun.  Thanks to facebook and time I'm starting to remember everybody on his side of the family.  It was nice to have real conversations with his cousins and other family.  Last year this was a hard event for me because there were some new babies, and would have been the first reunion for our first baby.  This one had a bit of sadness before I arrived since our second loss would have been just short of two months.  I actually felt really happy for most of the day, but towards the end as I was watching the children run around I started to feel that pain of sadness.  It continued into the evening and I was sad that this happiness had only lasted a short time.

I thought this was sadness at our losses, but as Monday arrived I realized it was more than that.  I was grieving for our lost life.  I was missing fun weekends were we were not stressing about injecting at a specific time, or making sure I was able to keep my medicines cold.  I want that again, but I want that joy with a child added.  I worry that will never happen, so these moments of carefree joy will be few and far between.  For now I'll be happy for a great weekend and attempt to not over stress about my future.  

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.  

From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   

A New Plan To Come

I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today.  I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM.  I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified.  My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around.  The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases.  I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous.  I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.

I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life.  Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this.  I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach.  My next step is going going to get more involved.  I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections.  I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge.  This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it.  Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.

I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines.  Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair.  I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try.  I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant.  There are no issues, not problems.  Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later.  I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.

Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me.  I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life.  I will shed my tears.  Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have.  Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!

The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle.   I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle.  The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.

While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.  

Feeling Myself Drifting Away

For some reason I find myself feeling so lost.  I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world.  I feel myself drifting away from reality.  I don't want anything to do with anybody.  I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends.  I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible.  I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have.  I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence.  I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less.  I don't understand.  I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care?  I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough.  Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life."  I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us.  I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us.  How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone.  I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.  

I found this today while surfing through Pinterest, which I rarely do.  I was almost instantly brought to tears.  I couldn't have said it better.

I Would Give It All

The young one there,

The overwhelmed 

The one that doesn't want.

It seems so easy.

These all choose to end it.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line.

Out of nowhere

The first time

The accident

It seems so easy

Hold the complaints

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line

I want to know what it's like

To have our love multiplied

To hold in our hands

A dream we brought to life.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever.

I would give it all

To know what it's like

I would give it all

For the chance to hold you

I would give it all

To bring our dream to life

I would give it all

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.  

Adenomyosis and Low Reserve, What More?

I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings.  I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making  me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now.  Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.

Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not.  I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment.  I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed.  The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst.  He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15.  What does that all mean?  This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term.  How did I get there at 26?  No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why. 

Now what do I do about it?  Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed.  What was that?  That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount.  Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more?  I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach.  What the crap is that?  To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs.  As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby.  This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.

At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow.  This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve.  The results of this test will let us know what to do.  If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI.  The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much.  My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so.  The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me.  That will be my last chance though.  One pregnancy is all I can do.  There will be so much damage.

If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope.  I would have a laparascopy again.  This would clear out more endo.  The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down.  Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive.  Everything would have to be monitored.  Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there.  My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.

Now onto a strange and weird note.  We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue.  Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21.  That is totally amazing.  I have never had something so good.  Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that.  So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time.  If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about.  We could lose it, and that worries me.  If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.

This is so much to take in.  I am so tired of waiting and wanting.  No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over.  Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy.  I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one.  I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me.  I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle.  I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines.  For now I wait. 

Sept. 11-10 years

September 11, 2001.  That is all that needs to be said.  A date in history, but that short phrase a story of pain ans sorrow and a uniting for our country.  For me, this year marks 10 years since the hardest time in my life (outside of my miscarriages, those take the top now).  9/11/01 not only marked the day this country got changed forever, but also marked the end of a crappy period and a change in my life, that eventually lead to where I am today.  While it was hard, and I wish it had never happened, I take what I have learned and gained from it and move on.  I am strong because of it all. 

September 11 is my fathers birthday .so when I woke up that day my mind was reeling with ideas of how to get my father to love me again instead of allowing his new wife to have me moved out into the house of a stranger.  As normal even on the morning our country was attacked, I left for school with not a single word spoken to me from my father or his wife.  When I arrived at school I was shocked to learn of the attack.  The school day was a blur as all we did in every class was watch the news.  That evening after school and by the time my father and his wife were off work I was told to start packing, and that Saturday I was fully moved out.  I had lost my family.  My mind of course had to wonder to my deceased mother and do what I try so hard never to do.  Wonder what might have been if she was still alive. 

Just a few short days before all of this the day I still have nightmares about had changed me forever and also marks a huge beginning this journey with endo.  In, what should have been the security of my bedroom, I was taken with force by a male who had been known for ages. Home from dance, changing out of leotard I made myself vulnerable without though to danger.  Yes, I was raped.  While I was struggling for life, the gift for my future husband was stolen, and little did I know the worst was yet to come.  Since I had been refusing to date this guy, he decided that he would steal what he could from me, and do what he could to damage me.  Not only was there a knife and bleeding, but the beginning of scar tissue would now always be around, not a great thing for Endo.  

When my father was informed (mind you there was a mess of blood still on the ground), my brother convinced my dad it was fake and that his friend has been with him the entire time at the store.  Now you see why this horrible daughter was kicked out of the house for being so "troubled."  All periods had been heavy and painful, far more than that of the average young teen, but they quickly became worse.  Being the naive things I was. When my brother and father denied the story, I never pursued medical help, or police help.  I know better now, but at the time was too scared to say anything. 

September 11, 2011.  Ten years ago my life changed.  I became damaged and now I live with a case of stage 4 endometriosis and scarring that causes many many problems, all ending in pain and infertility.  

This is the 10 year anniversary, and I have survived.  I am strong and I have a mighty God.  

I Do Not Want To Wait

I know it has been awhile since my last post.  I have been so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am going crazy.  I have to wonder why in the world I am holding onto a dream that seems to be so far away, actually seems not possible.  Far away was what it seemed when I started this journey.  Far away seemed possible still.  It may take time and hard work, but far away is a distance, it can be shortened. 


My last post was discouraging.  I had no growth it seemed and things were looking down.  I went back that Monday, not expecting anything other than being close to broke.  Laying back and awaiting for that little annoying magical wand I was numb and dazed and ready to be told that nothing was happening.  To my surprise and the surprise of my RE my lining was exactly where it needed to be.  What?  That is weird, that has never ever happened.  Do I dare let my hopes raise?  No, my follies will still be bad.  One at 17.  WHAT?  Hopes have been raised.  That was a lot of growth in just a few short days.  This is a miracle. 


I was given lots of directions for the ovidrel shot and all my timings for when to inject and when to have sex.  What a romantic life we lead.  Spontaneity is completely gone with this life.  I was okay though.  I was happy.  The ovidrel helps add another few mm to the folllies, so the 24 hours I needed before the shot and then the shot and the 30 hours later were bound to give me a good follie.  This was great. 


Wednesday came and it was time to inject into my belly.  I was texting with a friend back and forth all day.  A friend who has done all of this many times before.  My injection site burned, itched, and quickly bruised.  Supposedly normal sometimes to happen.  I attempted to not worry about it.  Now my time to relax and try not to worry too much about what was going on and to do what I can to get ready to have hopefully a tolerable sex life within the next 30-48 hours. 

Friday morning arrived way to early.  I woke up feeling so badly.  All day Thursday I felt horrible, my joints were in pain, I was sick feeling.  My injection site was swollen and bruised.  I was getting sick and had an annoying pain from my injection.  This was not good.  I was headed up to my camp to help out for the weekend.  When I woke up Friday I assumed I was just getting sick, but trying to ignore it because it was a little late to cancel my plans.  I had made a commitment and was determined to see it through.  I drove my husband to work, and thankfully this time I didn't have too many plans.  My only plans were to meet a friend for lunch and visit with her, and then make a few quick stops on my way to pick up my husband and head to the camp.  I was looking forward to getting home and taking a little nap to hopefully sleep off this sickness.   I got home and as I was gathering a few last items to put in the suitcase and then rest.  I noticed a major burning and itching feeling through most of my body and my injection site had swelled a lot.  I took a look and my bruise had grown a lot.  I figured it was time to call.

I had an allergic reaction to my injection.  Great, I can never just have something good.  I went to the doctor and got a shot to ease the reaction.  Since there was an allergic reaction we are unsure if there was actually ovulation.  So much for a good egg.  Since then I have been feeling poorly.  I worked my weekend, even with my limited movement I still ended up feeling horrible the next day.  It was a big banquet dinner.  Setting up was okay, but once the dinner service started it went downhill.  Running around just ruined it all. 

The last few weeks since all that I have felt so out of control.  My emotions are all over the place.  The stupidest things make me cry, or angry.  My poor husband is at a loss of how to help me.  I get mad at him, and most of the time for no reason at all, and if there is a reason it is pathetic.  As this cycle is nearing its end I am feeling heartbroken.  We can't afford more.  My doctor and RE have put a time limit on this journey because of egg quality and a few other things.  This is our time to keep trying, if we take a break we will more than likely be ending it all.  This is a hard thing to handle.  I hate money has so much control over this decision.  We have no savings left because of my miscarriage.  My husband and I don't think it is wise of use to keep trying.  What happens if we succeed?  We wouldn't have money to get what we need to have a baby.  Sure we would have 9 months to get it, and we would no longer be paying to try anymore which would give us back a min. of $300 a month.  Which could help our savings a lot.  It is such a hard choice.  Since things are not working, the next few steps will be getting more and more expensive. 

Each day this cycle is closer to ending I get more and more nervous.  I get sick feeling just at the idea of stopping.  I want a baby and I don't want to wait anymore!

Double the Dose and Half the Results

This week has been one of the longest most disappointing weeks in a long time.  I have never fully explained what the medicine I am on is suppose to be doing.  The are those of you that understand what I am taking and what it does, but some of you don't.  It is because there are people who do know me in real life that I have been avoiding fully sharing, and fully being open about all of this.  Time to change that.  This journey is getting to long and to disappointing and this is my place to express.  This is my time to be open and not worry about judgement or advice that comes from no understanding or knowledge of my situation.

I have been taking clomid.  I did 6 rounds at 50 MG.  What clomid does is help with maturing my eggs, and ovulation.  After going through all that, we learned that I only ovulated once, maybe twice.  I had to have ultrasounds to make sure that all my follies (eggs) were growing.  They were trying to get me to 20 (mm), but my last ultrasound usually showed no bigger than 16, which they always assumed by ovulation would be a good size, but I guess my body didn't work that way.  It just wasn't enough to keep them growing long enough so after my miscarriage and the testing I was informed of my poor egg quality.  After a long talk with my doctor we decided to go for a double dose of clomid.  My period came and on day 3 I started 100 MG of Clomid and I have felt like I am living a nightmare ever since.  The pain and the side effects have been crazy insane.  I feel as though I am losing my mind most days.  I still had some hope though.  If I was feeling so many side effects I was hopeful that meant my follies were growing.  I went into my first ultrasound on day 11.  My RE and I decided that for this cycle we would do a trigger shot of ovidrel in hopes for a real ovulation. I had a super thin lining and didn't even have a follicle worth measuring.  That was a disappointing since with half dose of clomid on day 11 I was usually measuring close to 10mm.  My hopes were a bit down and I just didn't understand how that could be when I was feeling so terrible.  So cycle day 14, I went back for my next u/s.  My lining had not grown at all, and my follies were not showing much improvement.  Most of my follicles had become smaller, but we had one that was growing, it was at a 9 mm, still not close to what I need.  I was sent home and told to come back Monday (tomorrow).  I was directed to keep taking the stupid ovulation prediction kits.  I was told tomorrow I should start seeing my line get darker.  I have little hope.  I feel so defeated by this whole mess.  How in the world does double the clomid make less growth?

I am more disappointed in this cycle not working because we financially are strapped now.  We are thinking of stopping for awhile so we can save up more money and I can focus on pain management and hopefully get a part time job so that we can get more saved up to try again.  My doctor has now told me that my time really is ticking away for TTC.  He says that if I am not pregnant within a year my chances are basically gone, and they already are, so I can't imagine what this all would be like with even a less chance.  I hate that money has to decide what we do.  I never want to give up on my dream of having my own child, but maybe I have to face reality.  Is is better to spend this money we use for treatments to adopt a child and know that we get a child, or do we keep spending money on the less than 10% chance that I could not only get pregnant, but carry to full term?

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this, or a way to know that all this work will lead to a child and is the right thing to do.  I am sick and tired of being drugged up with hormones and feeling crazy.  I am sick of being in pain and feeling as though I have no life.  I feel defeated.  I just wonder how much more strength I have to keep fighting this fight and moving forward on this journey. 

A Baby...Sort of.

I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment.  I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel.  I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings.  As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window.  I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it.  I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.

I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling.  I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win.  It is a fact, this is the truth.  I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up.  I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed.  God can heal any heart.  He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen?  I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.

I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection.  I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things.  Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible?  I know...my body is stupid.  Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains.  Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor.  AARRGG!!!!  I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating.  Guess I wasted time again.  Then the word is dropped.  I don't even know what to do.  I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C.  Hardest phone call ever...


"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."

To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.

After the Storm

My senior picture and my Mother's Senior Picture. 

Mother's day.  *Sigh*  My heart is so full of emotions I can't even express them.  I boycotted Facebook most of the day, but then realized I have some pretty amazing women in my life and so I needed to celebrate their motherhood and I got on FB.  I was showered with status about being a proud mother, about praising mothers, about what wonderful things the children did for their mother's, yet I still weathered the rain and did what I needed to do, what was right.  Don't get me wrong, I love these women and meant my words of blessings and happiness, but this day is so hard on so many levels.

Here I was, motherless and childless.  A women trying and failing to be a mother.  A women who desires to share these struggles with my best friend, my rock, my hero.  I see all these celebrated mothers and what can I do?  I have wonderful women in my life who truly are amazing.  They, however, are not my mother.  I have children in my life whom I love, they, however are mothered by somebody far greater than me, as I seem to be unfit for motherhood.   

The hard part and the frustrating part is through the struggle of this day, I was deemed silly for having such thoughts.  "You're young." "There is plenty of time." "You have a mother-in-law at least." "Just believe and your time will come."   I applause the effort to cheer a person up, but how can you promise me that I will have a kid by just believing?  Do you want to fly?  Well if you just believe it you will.  What a load of crap.  I know God has the ability to make ANYTHING happen, but that doesn't mean He will.  Yes I may still be young at 26 in the general idea of young, but add infertility to that number and time is running away with each day and so there really is not plenty of time.  Each day I fail to become pregnant is one more day of excruciating pain and sickness.  I don't want more time with that.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law and love her dearly.  She is so sweet, but she isn't my mom.  Shopping for her (since my husband works I do what I can to help him) was a stab in my heart, and violent reminder that I am motherless.  I am childless.

The hardest of all I hold onto deep inside.  I cannot express myself to the people "closest" to me for lack of understanding and for insensitive comments meant to comfort, but instead just add a deeper cut.  The cut is healing, but the wound is still fresh, so I write.  I hide behind a screen and a keyboard.  I use it as a shield to avoid the things that hurt.  I use it as a weapon to fight back against the attacks.  I use it as a comforter and bare my heart, soul, and tears.  I grow stronger and I awake the next day ready to battle whatever may come my way. 

Guest Writer to Bring on Hope

In a desire to create more support and encouragement for those with women health issues, infertility, and pain I have asked some people to share their thoughts, stories, struggles, and hopes.  I hope to encourage and support all who are reading and the readers to come.  I hope that this is just the beginning and that those without this will become more aware, and those fighting through pain and infertility will find encouragement and support.


My first guest author will be from Arielle Dance.  You can follow her on twitter @A_healthyDANCEr. Here are her words...

 I am debating how to really start this and what to share. So many of the women who write blogs tell the basics: diagnosed at 15, had 5 surgeries since 04 and 2 were excision. I could complain about the pain, nausea and all the complications that have come with endometriosis. I could even talk about the Lupron treatment from hell and the birth control pills that landed me in the ICU with blood clots on my lungs. I don’t want to really talk about that, although I don’t mind answering questions about those things. I want to focus on something prettier, more fun, more joyous.
I want to talk about our survivorship and our advocacy. I’ve had this disease since I was 15 and it wasn’t until I was 20 that I learned about the wonders of being a survivor. I met hundreds of women from across the world on social network support groups and realized that all of us have a different story and many were unimaginable. We always think we have the worst case ever or that no one understands us. But truthfully there are millions who understand. Granted, no two cases of endometriosis are identical, but knowing that millions of women experience what you feel to some extent is important. I consider us all survivors. Not that this disease is terminal but this disease can definitely kill dreams, kill relationships and kill hope. But we survive it all and even when we think we’re going insane, we continue to survive. Many endosisters can’t survive. They give up, lose hope and fall to the hands of escape. I honor the struggles of fallen endosisters and I celebrate the surviorship of those who have remained strong and undaunted.
Another aspect of endometriosis that many of us do without much thought is advocate. We know how to stand up and speak out. In spite of all our pain many of us manage to educate others, post pictures to bring awareness, wear yellow, share our stories, and stop letting our health care providers make all the decisions about our health. We advocate and educate... we are testaments that this disease sucks and information should be shared with as many people as possible.

It’s easy to be sucked into the stigmas and shame that surround this “women’s issue”. We are taught not to speak about issues of blood, issues of the vagina or anything that may hinder us from being sexual or mothers. But the advocacy comes when we break through those barriers when we shout out loud that we have endometriosis and everyone ought to know what it is. It’s a breakthrough when you think about it. Soon the day will come when every woman with endometriosis is unashamed to speak out but truthfully many remain silent or misinformed. Some tend to only speak out when they are in pain or going through the storms of infertility. But we should be able to speak up anytime because even when you’re not hurting there are still millions of women who are affected by this disease and millions more who will be diagnosed in your lifetime.
I say all this to remind survivors that there is still hope. Be faithful and keep your head up. I say all this to encourage survivors to be advocates, to stand up and speak out. And I say all this to say that it’s okay to be shy about your health but silence helps no one. Be strong, you’re surviving.

*Arielle Dance is a graduate student with endometriosis who is studying women’s health. She has dedicated her academics and advocacy work to endometriosis. Currently, Arielle is working on IRB approved research on women of color with endometriosis. Arielle has recently begun video blogging about her findings in other areas of research as well as sharing her struggle with endometriosis.* 

 Arielle's youtube page that she speaks of can be found here.

Thank you Arielle for your words.  I hope to keep this guest writer journey going on.  If you are, or know somebody who would be willing to share, please comment below and I can contact you with further information how how to do this.  Thank you all for you time.  I would love to know you thoughts on what has been shared today.  Thank you.