Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.


  1. How terrible you must be feeling. I think I can understand it a bit. I just miscarried again myself. I'm waiting for the bleeding to begin now. And you and I both know endometriosis means its going to suck! I hope that you are feeling a bit better soon. Sorry you had to go through this. Know that I'm thinking of you.

  2. I am sorry you have had to go through this. I am glad your dh will be home with you soon xx

  3. Oh Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear this :( I just can't understand why this has to happen. It's hard enough to get pregnant, why add the loss on top of it all.