Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Should I Give Up?
So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years. I'm not really sure how to move forward. Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore. I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them. They left this world without having been held in my arms. How does one move one from this?
It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it. This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss. I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.
I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno. I have had time yet to face this loss. I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss. It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.
My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment. We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC. We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything? It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.
We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap. I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing. The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse. I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest. I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should. I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners). It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.
The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is. This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before. The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me. I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC. When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere. We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child. To me it felt like we were going in circle. I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream. The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.
For now we stop. For now we treat my endo and adeno. We focus on making my life as painfree as possible. This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.