Surrounded Yet Alone

Things have been so busy lately.  I've been busy visiting with family and friends.  I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone.  I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting.  I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling.  It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable.  Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all.  It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do.  It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.

For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing.  I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem.  Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child.  Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times.  Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend).  Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this.  The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up.  It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.

In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again.  Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make.  All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.

I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling.  I'm being left behind by everyone.  We are the odd one even for the odd ones.  We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world.  We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child.  I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets.  It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement  a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now?  I just don't know.  I'm being left behind.  We are not trying and we have no child.  I just don't fit in.

So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone.  I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again.  This is so true.  I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us.  Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time.  Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares.  In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility.  For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place.  He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.

So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life.  Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore.  Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies.  I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home.  My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife.  Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all.  The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.

Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.  

Dear Babies

I find it hard to believe that I sit here a mother to 6 perfect babies, but I remain childless.  How I miss each and every one of you.  I wish I could have met you.  I wish I could have held you in my arm, but I keep you in my heart forever.  I hate that you never got to experience this world.  Which one of you would have followed in daddy's footsteps and become a computer genius?  Would one of you be a musician or a photographer like me?

My own dear mother was taken away from me far too early.  When I would think of my future I was always sad that my mother would never get to meet her grandchildren.  I guess God took you all home for her.  Now she gets to spend her time with you.

My dear sweet children I love you all so much. No day will ever pass without thoughts of you.  I know in time the pain and aching in my heart will get better, but you will always be remembered and cherished.  One day we all will meet again.

I love you all.

I know you each by name now.  You are my children and will be forever loved,.  

Upcoming Beta

Tomorrow, well I guess today, is my beta.  A large part of me want to just "forget" about it and stay home curled up in bed.  I'm not ready to face the truth.  I should be encouraged, my bleeding has not had anymore
red, and has slowed down, but the clots of increased.  It's pretty much all I'm losing now.

I'm not ready to lose number 4.  I'm not ready to accept that not only does it takes lots of money, and drugs to get me pregnant, but despite all that, my hostile uterus hates the baby and likes to get rid of it.  The only one I had that was a good and healthy was my ectopic.  Against all odds it just kept growing and growing.  I had to try over and over to kill that thing and kept hoping it praying it wouldn't get large enough to send me into an emergency surgery.

Will my husband and I ever get to experience that joy of seeing that little miracle that we made?  Will we ever get the moment in the hospital of pure love, joy, and wonder at the bundle we hold in our arms, that just a few moments ago was snuggled in my belly?  I'm just asking for one little baby.  Is that so wrong?  I stand by and watch over and over again as women get pregnant and never once change their lifestyles birth healthy women.  I watch them continue to smoke because they just can't give it up, I watch them sneak a few drinks.  They never take their prenatal. They make it full term with no scares to the life of their child.  The child they didn't even really want in the first place.  I just can't understand it, and I wish I could.  Am I selfish for trying so hard for a child when it seems it is just never going to be?

I'm done, I'm not ready to do this again, and I'm not sure it's possible to heal.  I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I hate that this is happening.  For the first time ever, I'm not just mad, I'm angry at God, and I just don't know why the Hell is allowing this to happen.  I'm wondering what good prayers are, when God is going to allow this to happen.  It's His will, right?  That's what I'm always told.  Well if this is His will, I don't want to be apart of it.  I have prayed and fasted for my chance to have a child, and each time I get close it's ripped away from me.  I know a ton of wonderful women and couples dealing with infertility, who have had just as much trouble to conceive, who have experience just as much, if not more hurt and loss that I have.  For every one of those women I have seen and met at least 2 who don't take care of their children, who abort then, don't want them, or who cannot care for them.  I just can't understand how God thinks this is a good thing.  It's not right, and it unfair, and I don't care at this moment how bad I sound.  

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   

A New Plan To Come

I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today.  I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM.  I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified.  My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around.  The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases.  I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous.  I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.

I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life.  Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this.  I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach.  My next step is going going to get more involved.  I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections.  I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge.  This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it.  Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.

I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines.  Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair.  I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try.  I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant.  There are no issues, not problems.  Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later.  I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.

Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me.  I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life.  I will shed my tears.  Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have.  Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!

The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle.   I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle.  The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.

While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.  

Feeling Myself Drifting Away

For some reason I find myself feeling so lost.  I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world.  I feel myself drifting away from reality.  I don't want anything to do with anybody.  I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends.  I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible.  I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have.  I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence.  I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less.  I don't understand.  I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care?  I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough.  Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life."  I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us.  I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us.  How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone.  I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.  

I found this today while surfing through Pinterest, which I rarely do.  I was almost instantly brought to tears.  I couldn't have said it better.

I Would Give It All

The young one there,

The overwhelmed 

The one that doesn't want.

It seems so easy.

These all choose to end it.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line.

Out of nowhere

The first time

The accident

It seems so easy

Hold the complaints

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line

I want to know what it's like

To have our love multiplied

To hold in our hands

A dream we brought to life.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever.

I would give it all

To know what it's like

I would give it all

For the chance to hold you

I would give it all

To bring our dream to life

I would give it all

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.  

Adenomyosis and Low Reserve, What More?

I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings.  I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making  me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now.  Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.

Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not.  I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment.  I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed.  The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst.  He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15.  What does that all mean?  This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term.  How did I get there at 26?  No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why. 

Now what do I do about it?  Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed.  What was that?  That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount.  Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more?  I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach.  What the crap is that?  To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs.  As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby.  This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.

At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow.  This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve.  The results of this test will let us know what to do.  If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI.  The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much.  My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so.  The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me.  That will be my last chance though.  One pregnancy is all I can do.  There will be so much damage.

If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope.  I would have a laparascopy again.  This would clear out more endo.  The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down.  Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive.  Everything would have to be monitored.  Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there.  My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.

Now onto a strange and weird note.  We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue.  Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21.  That is totally amazing.  I have never had something so good.  Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that.  So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time.  If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about.  We could lose it, and that worries me.  If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.

This is so much to take in.  I am so tired of waiting and wanting.  No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over.  Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy.  I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one.  I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me.  I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle.  I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines.  For now I wait. 

I Do Not Want To Wait

I know it has been awhile since my last post.  I have been so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am going crazy.  I have to wonder why in the world I am holding onto a dream that seems to be so far away, actually seems not possible.  Far away was what it seemed when I started this journey.  Far away seemed possible still.  It may take time and hard work, but far away is a distance, it can be shortened. 


My last post was discouraging.  I had no growth it seemed and things were looking down.  I went back that Monday, not expecting anything other than being close to broke.  Laying back and awaiting for that little annoying magical wand I was numb and dazed and ready to be told that nothing was happening.  To my surprise and the surprise of my RE my lining was exactly where it needed to be.  What?  That is weird, that has never ever happened.  Do I dare let my hopes raise?  No, my follies will still be bad.  One at 17.  WHAT?  Hopes have been raised.  That was a lot of growth in just a few short days.  This is a miracle. 


I was given lots of directions for the ovidrel shot and all my timings for when to inject and when to have sex.  What a romantic life we lead.  Spontaneity is completely gone with this life.  I was okay though.  I was happy.  The ovidrel helps add another few mm to the folllies, so the 24 hours I needed before the shot and then the shot and the 30 hours later were bound to give me a good follie.  This was great. 


Wednesday came and it was time to inject into my belly.  I was texting with a friend back and forth all day.  A friend who has done all of this many times before.  My injection site burned, itched, and quickly bruised.  Supposedly normal sometimes to happen.  I attempted to not worry about it.  Now my time to relax and try not to worry too much about what was going on and to do what I can to get ready to have hopefully a tolerable sex life within the next 30-48 hours. 

Friday morning arrived way to early.  I woke up feeling so badly.  All day Thursday I felt horrible, my joints were in pain, I was sick feeling.  My injection site was swollen and bruised.  I was getting sick and had an annoying pain from my injection.  This was not good.  I was headed up to my camp to help out for the weekend.  When I woke up Friday I assumed I was just getting sick, but trying to ignore it because it was a little late to cancel my plans.  I had made a commitment and was determined to see it through.  I drove my husband to work, and thankfully this time I didn't have too many plans.  My only plans were to meet a friend for lunch and visit with her, and then make a few quick stops on my way to pick up my husband and head to the camp.  I was looking forward to getting home and taking a little nap to hopefully sleep off this sickness.   I got home and as I was gathering a few last items to put in the suitcase and then rest.  I noticed a major burning and itching feeling through most of my body and my injection site had swelled a lot.  I took a look and my bruise had grown a lot.  I figured it was time to call.

I had an allergic reaction to my injection.  Great, I can never just have something good.  I went to the doctor and got a shot to ease the reaction.  Since there was an allergic reaction we are unsure if there was actually ovulation.  So much for a good egg.  Since then I have been feeling poorly.  I worked my weekend, even with my limited movement I still ended up feeling horrible the next day.  It was a big banquet dinner.  Setting up was okay, but once the dinner service started it went downhill.  Running around just ruined it all. 

The last few weeks since all that I have felt so out of control.  My emotions are all over the place.  The stupidest things make me cry, or angry.  My poor husband is at a loss of how to help me.  I get mad at him, and most of the time for no reason at all, and if there is a reason it is pathetic.  As this cycle is nearing its end I am feeling heartbroken.  We can't afford more.  My doctor and RE have put a time limit on this journey because of egg quality and a few other things.  This is our time to keep trying, if we take a break we will more than likely be ending it all.  This is a hard thing to handle.  I hate money has so much control over this decision.  We have no savings left because of my miscarriage.  My husband and I don't think it is wise of use to keep trying.  What happens if we succeed?  We wouldn't have money to get what we need to have a baby.  Sure we would have 9 months to get it, and we would no longer be paying to try anymore which would give us back a min. of $300 a month.  Which could help our savings a lot.  It is such a hard choice.  Since things are not working, the next few steps will be getting more and more expensive. 

Each day this cycle is closer to ending I get more and more nervous.  I get sick feeling just at the idea of stopping.  I want a baby and I don't want to wait anymore!

Double the Dose and Half the Results

This week has been one of the longest most disappointing weeks in a long time.  I have never fully explained what the medicine I am on is suppose to be doing.  The are those of you that understand what I am taking and what it does, but some of you don't.  It is because there are people who do know me in real life that I have been avoiding fully sharing, and fully being open about all of this.  Time to change that.  This journey is getting to long and to disappointing and this is my place to express.  This is my time to be open and not worry about judgement or advice that comes from no understanding or knowledge of my situation.

I have been taking clomid.  I did 6 rounds at 50 MG.  What clomid does is help with maturing my eggs, and ovulation.  After going through all that, we learned that I only ovulated once, maybe twice.  I had to have ultrasounds to make sure that all my follies (eggs) were growing.  They were trying to get me to 20 (mm), but my last ultrasound usually showed no bigger than 16, which they always assumed by ovulation would be a good size, but I guess my body didn't work that way.  It just wasn't enough to keep them growing long enough so after my miscarriage and the testing I was informed of my poor egg quality.  After a long talk with my doctor we decided to go for a double dose of clomid.  My period came and on day 3 I started 100 MG of Clomid and I have felt like I am living a nightmare ever since.  The pain and the side effects have been crazy insane.  I feel as though I am losing my mind most days.  I still had some hope though.  If I was feeling so many side effects I was hopeful that meant my follies were growing.  I went into my first ultrasound on day 11.  My RE and I decided that for this cycle we would do a trigger shot of ovidrel in hopes for a real ovulation. I had a super thin lining and didn't even have a follicle worth measuring.  That was a disappointing since with half dose of clomid on day 11 I was usually measuring close to 10mm.  My hopes were a bit down and I just didn't understand how that could be when I was feeling so terrible.  So cycle day 14, I went back for my next u/s.  My lining had not grown at all, and my follies were not showing much improvement.  Most of my follicles had become smaller, but we had one that was growing, it was at a 9 mm, still not close to what I need.  I was sent home and told to come back Monday (tomorrow).  I was directed to keep taking the stupid ovulation prediction kits.  I was told tomorrow I should start seeing my line get darker.  I have little hope.  I feel so defeated by this whole mess.  How in the world does double the clomid make less growth?

I am more disappointed in this cycle not working because we financially are strapped now.  We are thinking of stopping for awhile so we can save up more money and I can focus on pain management and hopefully get a part time job so that we can get more saved up to try again.  My doctor has now told me that my time really is ticking away for TTC.  He says that if I am not pregnant within a year my chances are basically gone, and they already are, so I can't imagine what this all would be like with even a less chance.  I hate that money has to decide what we do.  I never want to give up on my dream of having my own child, but maybe I have to face reality.  Is is better to spend this money we use for treatments to adopt a child and know that we get a child, or do we keep spending money on the less than 10% chance that I could not only get pregnant, but carry to full term?

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this, or a way to know that all this work will lead to a child and is the right thing to do.  I am sick and tired of being drugged up with hormones and feeling crazy.  I am sick of being in pain and feeling as though I have no life.  I feel defeated.  I just wonder how much more strength I have to keep fighting this fight and moving forward on this journey. 

A Baby...Sort of.

I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment.  I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel.  I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings.  As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window.  I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it.  I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.

I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling.  I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win.  It is a fact, this is the truth.  I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up.  I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed.  God can heal any heart.  He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen?  I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.

I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection.  I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things.  Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible?  I know...my body is stupid.  Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains.  Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor.  AARRGG!!!!  I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating.  Guess I wasted time again.  Then the word is dropped.  I don't even know what to do.  I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C.  Hardest phone call ever...


"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."

To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.

After the Storm

My senior picture and my Mother's Senior Picture. 

Mother's day.  *Sigh*  My heart is so full of emotions I can't even express them.  I boycotted Facebook most of the day, but then realized I have some pretty amazing women in my life and so I needed to celebrate their motherhood and I got on FB.  I was showered with status about being a proud mother, about praising mothers, about what wonderful things the children did for their mother's, yet I still weathered the rain and did what I needed to do, what was right.  Don't get me wrong, I love these women and meant my words of blessings and happiness, but this day is so hard on so many levels.

Here I was, motherless and childless.  A women trying and failing to be a mother.  A women who desires to share these struggles with my best friend, my rock, my hero.  I see all these celebrated mothers and what can I do?  I have wonderful women in my life who truly are amazing.  They, however, are not my mother.  I have children in my life whom I love, they, however are mothered by somebody far greater than me, as I seem to be unfit for motherhood.   

The hard part and the frustrating part is through the struggle of this day, I was deemed silly for having such thoughts.  "You're young." "There is plenty of time." "You have a mother-in-law at least." "Just believe and your time will come."   I applause the effort to cheer a person up, but how can you promise me that I will have a kid by just believing?  Do you want to fly?  Well if you just believe it you will.  What a load of crap.  I know God has the ability to make ANYTHING happen, but that doesn't mean He will.  Yes I may still be young at 26 in the general idea of young, but add infertility to that number and time is running away with each day and so there really is not plenty of time.  Each day I fail to become pregnant is one more day of excruciating pain and sickness.  I don't want more time with that.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law and love her dearly.  She is so sweet, but she isn't my mom.  Shopping for her (since my husband works I do what I can to help him) was a stab in my heart, and violent reminder that I am motherless.  I am childless.

The hardest of all I hold onto deep inside.  I cannot express myself to the people "closest" to me for lack of understanding and for insensitive comments meant to comfort, but instead just add a deeper cut.  The cut is healing, but the wound is still fresh, so I write.  I hide behind a screen and a keyboard.  I use it as a shield to avoid the things that hurt.  I use it as a weapon to fight back against the attacks.  I use it as a comforter and bare my heart, soul, and tears.  I grow stronger and I awake the next day ready to battle whatever may come my way.