Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Baby...Sort of.

I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment.  I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel.  I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings.  As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window.  I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it.  I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.

I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling.  I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win.  It is a fact, this is the truth.  I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up.  I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed.  God can heal any heart.  He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen?  I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.

I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection.  I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things.  Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible?  I know...my body is stupid.  Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains.  Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor.  AARRGG!!!!  I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating.  Guess I wasted time again.  Then the word is dropped.  I don't even know what to do.  I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C.  Hardest phone call ever...


"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."

To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.


5 comments:

  1. Oh I am so sorry. (Also, I've been reading for a bit now, and am a fan on facebook, but never commented)
    I've gone through a few miscarriages if you want to talk more.
    I'm just so sorry. ((hugs))

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  2. I have been following for a while as well and even though you don't know me and are so very upset that words of sympathy and support seem futile (believe me I understand) I did want to say that you are in my prayers and in God's hands.

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  3. Thank you all very much. It isn't that I do not wish to hear the words, or in this case see the words. It does a lot of good to see that prayers are being said for me, outside of my family. It it good to hear that people still care. I just know that while it feels good to know they care, it may take a while to feel that this is all God's perfect timing, and His way and all the "good" christian things I believe. I really do believe it all, with all my heart, but for now it is not enough to make me feel happy. Thank yo

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