I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment. I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel. I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings. As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window. I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it. I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.
I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling. I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win. It is a fact, this is the truth. I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up. I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed. God can heal any heart. He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen? I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.
I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection. I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things. Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible? I know...my body is stupid. Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains. Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor. AARRGG!!!! I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating. Guess I wasted time again. Then the word is dropped. I don't even know what to do. I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C. Hardest phone call ever...
"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."
To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.