I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment. I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel. I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings. As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window. I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it. I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.
I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling. I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win. It is a fact, this is the truth. I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up. I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed. God can heal any heart. He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen? I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.
I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection. I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things. Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible? I know...my body is stupid. Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains. Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor. AARRGG!!!! I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating. Guess I wasted time again. Then the word is dropped. I don't even know what to do. I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C. Hardest phone call ever...
"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."
To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.
Dealing with Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, low ovarian reserve, and a hostile uterus. Struggling to maintain a normal life while taking this journey. Putting my trust in God and hoping my writing can help others in similar positions.
Oh I am so sorry. (Also, I've been reading for a bit now, and am a fan on facebook, but never commented)
ReplyDeleteI've gone through a few miscarriages if you want to talk more.
I'm just so sorry. ((hugs))
I have been following for a while as well and even though you don't know me and are so very upset that words of sympathy and support seem futile (believe me I understand) I did want to say that you are in my prayers and in God's hands.
ReplyDeleteThank you all very much. It isn't that I do not wish to hear the words, or in this case see the words. It does a lot of good to see that prayers are being said for me, outside of my family. It it good to hear that people still care. I just know that while it feels good to know they care, it may take a while to feel that this is all God's perfect timing, and His way and all the "good" christian things I believe. I really do believe it all, with all my heart, but for now it is not enough to make me feel happy. Thank yo
ReplyDeleteyou for all your prayers
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Dianna.
ReplyDelete