Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.
"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.