Thursday, May 31, 2012

Trigger Done; Now the Waiting Game

Choices have been all around my husband and I lately.  There didn't seem to be a good one.  All I could hope to do was choose the least bad, prepare for the worst, expect nothing, and hope to be surprised.

Some of you reading this know me in the real world.  I have not any problems with you guys posting on my person facebook, and I appreciate that.  I've spent the last few weeks debating what to do about this blog.  I've hit a point where I don't really want people to know if we decide to try again or not.  I enjoy my writing and didn't want to give that.  I thought of possibly closing down this blog, and starting up another one with more privacy.  I have decided against it because you guys have not actually shared my private thoughts on here on my personal page.  I am asking for the continued respect in this manner. What I share on here, I want to stay on here, please.  I post information on here often before I share it with even some of my closest friends and family.  That would include if by some miracle we got pregnant.  I don't want it passed around until my husband and I choose to make it public.

My last cyst thankfully went away with no problems.  I was so grateful.  During the two weeks of waiting for the cyst to shrink while I was on birth control, my endo symptoms came crashing in around me.  Some of you knew me in the worst of my endo battle.  When not only was the pain was unbearable, but my ability to hold food no longer lasted, and many times not even liquid.  It's all coming back now.  We have hit this phase again.  I'm need of another lap., but timing is bad.  Before we made any choices we decided to test my FSH again.  It has gone up to 20, from it's previous 15.  Time for trying was no on our side.  We could choose surgery and try again after recovery, but there is a good chance in those months the little bit of fertility I have would be depleted.  My choice became to live in pain, but try once more, or to give it up, walk away from the option of a biological child and have the surgery.

Many hours of praying, talking, asking the doctor a million question lead my husband and me made a choice.  We decided to try at least one more time before pursuing surgery.  If there was very little response we would move on to surgery.  We began the process of injections and stuffing things up myself. These hormones are wreaking havoc on my endo.

Tuesday I had my last ultrasound.  On one side I had an amazing follie at 22 (min. for maturity needing to be 18)  This was great!  The other side however had massive amounts of follie and cyst.  We once again were at a crossroad with decisions to make.  To trigger or not.  Triggering meant that more than likely once again I would have to deal with OHSS.  In order to get that one prefect follie we had to push my ovaries hard.  Then to top it all off, my beautiful follie was on my left side.  The very side I had my ectopic in January.  As some of you know, once you have one the chances multiply.  My RE looked carefully at my ultrasound and saw that once again, thanks to endo my left ovary has moved even more, but is actually closer to my right, which means there is a good chance my right will pick up what I ovulate if we choose that.

I came home and spilled it all out for my husband.  My husband told me to do what I wanted.  It's sad that this mess has left him even in a state of uncaring.  That is the wrong word, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.  In the end, because of the time, and money, and all the stuff we have done the past few months to get just one stupid follie, we decided to trigger.  Tuesday night, I stabbed myself and waited.  I waited for ovulation to occur and was hoping that there would be no OHSS symptoms.

Today I woke up to massive pain, weight gain, and sickness.  It's official.  My body hates me and everything to do with trying for a baby.  I have OHSS.  My husband is bringing me home dostenex and hopefully that will help make it not as bad.  For now I wait, rest, and try to not let my anger and fear get the best of me.  OHSS is already here, I just hope not to have to deal with another ectopic.

One can hope right?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Changing Relationships

Wow, I hadn't realized it has been so long since I had updated.  I mentioned in my last post about a possibility of a cyst of endo growth.  Turns out I had a huge cyst on my ovary.  This means we have once again put a pause on all things related to trying.  I go back on Monday and we again have to gather new information and make decisions I don't feel ready to make again.

I've tried to distract myself lately, but it isn't working very well.  Lately my thoughts have wondered over the changed relationships.  It really saddens me that kids become the deciding factor for a friendship.   We don't have any, so it's hard to be my friends.  People can't come hang out and visit me at my house, because it's easier for me to go see them.  That way they don't have to pack up the children and toys for them.  It's like they are okay with still being my friend as long as I go to them.  If I had kids then I would have a "kid friendly" home  and playmates for their children so coming here would be easier.

I'm tired of it.  I make a huge effort for these friends.  I attend baby showers, children's birthday parties, and have no problems visiting a friend who has kids and dealing with the interruptions that come with them.  Is it really too much to ask that the days I'm in pain and I don't want to leave my house to ask them to come here instead?

Well for now I wait until Monday.  I hope I have no cyst.