Monday, July 25, 2011

Infertility is now the Plague?

I feel so broken and shattered.  I know I have faced a horrible ordeal and have many complications since then.  I hate feeling that my diseases and infertility has made me an outcast.  I know most people avoid saying things because they don't know what to say, they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they are trying to keep me from more pain.  While that is sweet, I don't want that.  I have already lost so much control of my life, I don't need to loose feeling like my friends want to talk to me or share news with me. 

Last night the husband of a family we know shared with my husband that they are expecting their fourth.  In all this I find out that they have been avoiding sharing with us.  Or really me more specifically.  I know they really were not avoiding me, but in reality trying to be sensitive to our situation.  My emotions are all over the place, which doesn't help, but the way things were done I do feel a bit like I have the plague and have to be avoided.  Yes, I miscarried twice.  That hurts.  I want a child so badly it pains me.  I do get a sadness when I hear about others getting pregnant.  The way this one was done, so clearly done to avoid facing me ( I know what their real intent was, this is just how my emotions like to read things) I felt like I had just been punched in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me.  I hate this feeling.  Since then I have been feeling the urge to break down and cry, but I just can't.  I will start, but just can't seem to get the physical ability to.  I hate this.  I want it to be done.  

I am in pain, and I can't have kids, and I have lost kids.  I do not have the plague though.  I hate feeling this way.  I apologize for my rant. This is not something I can generally say in real life, so for now I blog it. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

All Time High Pain

My pain has hit an all time high again.  I always have bad pain, but the last few days have been so bad.  I had a bad cyst, and had that removed, but am now still waiting for the pain to go away.  I am sick most of the time from this pain.  It is so frustrating, I don't even know what to do.

I had a wonderful date night with my husband.  We went out to see the new Transformers and ate a late dinner at BJ's.  It was a fun time and I really enjoyed just hanging out with my husband.  The sad part is that pain clouded a lot of the night.  I hate being this way. I feel like such a failure, and I know that I shouldn't.  I ended the night frustrated that once again my husband has to go without what he wants.  What makes me feel so much worse is how sweet he is about it.  He so didn't ask for this.  Going for as long as he does without is just not fair for him. 

I hung out with some friends today.  One who is even pregnant and not much farther than where I would have been.  I was actually enjoying our time and even enjoyed the young little baby without too many pains, but the physical pain become overbearing. 

I am so tired of dealing with this.  I have hit a breakdown and I don't know what I am suppose to do.  I am so tired of dealing with all of this.  I can't enjoy life, I can't fully enjoy my own husband and I hate it.  I want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a little 2 year old, but I can't. 

One of the things I finally pieced together this week has really just frustrated me to no end.   So for some you may want to stop reading because this can become way TMI.  So if you read, I did warn you.

I have noticed that every once in while I actually enjoy sex (kind of) for no reason or by no means because my husband only once in a while does something good.  Every time I end up having "good" sex ( I use "" for good because for the average person I know that all it means for them is that it was tolerable) I end up horrible sick after.  I end up violently throwing up and unable to stop.  The first time this happened I ended up in ER because I ended up vomiting blood.  I am sick and tired of this.  How does this make me even want to chance it ever again?  Yet, I love my husband and I enjoy being with him.  I desire so much to also enjoy that part of our marriage.  It leaves me so frustrated!  I cannot stand it. 

I will leave now with my short rant, and apologize for not having something more upbeat to share, but at this I am broken and pained and just don't have much to say about hope to feel better. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I just don't care Anymore

I have been so busy this week, moving into our new apartment, lifting heavy objects, on my feet all day, trying to do it all so my husband can relax after working almost 10 hours everyday.  I  hurt.  My endo pain seems to be at an all time high again.  I feel sick to my stomach most of the time, I hurt and I just want to curl up and pass out all day.  I hate feeling this way.

When my endo pain gets this bad is is more than just the physical pain that brings me down, but also the emotional pain.  Endo takes over ones life.  I have no control, I can't make plans without wondering how bad my pain will be.  I have had to cancel plans many times because of pain.  I have a few friend (very, very few) who are kind and sympathetic when this happens, but then there are the friends who just get mad or annoyed that I have had to change our plans.  They can't see my disease, they can't see my pain, because on the days I do get to go out, I don't "look sick."  What person going out and trying to enjoy their day wants to look sick?  They can't seem to understand the work it takes to look healthy.  I do that in hopes of gaining back part of my life, but in the end, I manage through with my friend.  I deal with stupid comments about how I don't look sick, I should be happy I have gotten pregnant, and how in time and without trying I'll get pregnant. 

I am just so done with this daily pain, a reminder of the children I lost, and the children I will never get to have.  My pain is so bad, and all the other symptoms that come with Endo that most doctors don't even like to acknowledge are real that I have hit a point that I don't care what it takes, I just want to feel well again.  I don't care if it means never having children.  I want to stop throwing my money away on treatments that don't work, and I want to be able to be active again.  I don't know if the money I spend on trying to get pregnant is worth it.  So far what is  it gotten me?  Two miscarriages, physical pain, and going broke. 

I am currently fighting with insurance right now to accept our last  miscarriage because they want to deny it since I was not pregnant naturally.  How does that make any sense?   All day today I felt the desire to break down and cry, but I couldn't.  My eyes are dried up and even though I am sad and hurting, I just don't care.  I keep being told by friends that they are praying that God will still bless us with a pregnancy, but I don't know if I want that.  I can't see a pregnancy as a blessing when it ends in death. 

I want to give up trying and just get normal.