Saturday, February 16, 2013

Surrounded Yet Alone

Things have been so busy lately.  I've been busy visiting with family and friends.  I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone.  I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting.  I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling.  It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable.  Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all.  It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do.  It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.

For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing.  I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem.  Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child.  Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times.  Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend).  Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this.  The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up.  It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.

In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again.  Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make.  All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.

I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling.  I'm being left behind by everyone.  We are the odd one even for the odd ones.  We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world.  We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child.  I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets.  It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement  a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now?  I just don't know.  I'm being left behind.  We are not trying and we have no child.  I just don't fit in.

So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone.  I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again.  This is so true.  I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us.  Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time.  Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares.  In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility.  For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place.  He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.

So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life.  Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore.  Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies.  I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home.  My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife.  Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all.  The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.

Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.  

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