Thursday, September 22, 2011

Adenomyosis and Low Reserve, What More?

I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings.  I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making  me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now.  Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.

Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not.  I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment.  I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed.  The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst.  He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15.  What does that all mean?  This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term.  How did I get there at 26?  No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why. 

Now what do I do about it?  Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed.  What was that?  That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount.  Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more?  I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach.  What the crap is that?  To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs.  As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby.  This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.

At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow.  This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve.  The results of this test will let us know what to do.  If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI.  The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much.  My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so.  The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me.  That will be my last chance though.  One pregnancy is all I can do.  There will be so much damage.

If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope.  I would have a laparascopy again.  This would clear out more endo.  The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down.  Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive.  Everything would have to be monitored.  Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there.  My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.

Now onto a strange and weird note.  We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue.  Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21.  That is totally amazing.  I have never had something so good.  Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that.  So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time.  If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about.  We could lose it, and that worries me.  If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.

This is so much to take in.  I am so tired of waiting and wanting.  No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over.  Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy.  I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one.  I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me.  I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle.  I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines.  For now I wait. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nerves are Taking Over

Tomorrow I have my first ultra sound of this cycle.  This ultra sound will now involve so much more than just measuring follicles and lining.  I will explain more after my appointment.  My emotions are getting carried away and in normal human fashion my worries are going crazy.

I spend every day wondering if I'll ever get to have a baby.  There are times I think I could be content with never physically being pregnant and giving birth with a child.  Then I start to imagine my life in the future, and adoptions and raising a child.  I still do fine.  Then I think about my husband.  I become utterly crushed.  I would love to give him a child.  I would love to see a little mini walking around.  I have no doubt my husband would love an adopted child just as much, but it saddens me greatly that I can't provide him a child.  I am saddened that the love my husband and I have can never produce a child.  

I come from an adopted background.  I am so grateful for my adoption.  It saved my life.  Being adopted as intensified my desire for a biological child, another being in my family who is flesh of my flesh.  That is a dream I have always held onto. 

For now I must wait.  By the end of the week I should have more information to share.  What I do know now is that my pain is at an all time high.  I hate leaving the house.  I hate moving.  It all makes me worse.  I hate being stuck at home.  I feel like I have no friends and no life.  I do as much as I can around the house.  I'll push my limits all the time, just as an attempt to feel normal.  I hate that my husband has to suffer too in so many ways, which is another reason I try to so hard to get things done at the house. I am tired of taking medicine that makes me feel like I should be put into a mental institution. 

I will update you all later.  I just needed a quick post to get my nerves to settle down a bit more. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lost Friends

My husband and I decided we would do one more cycle, a repeat of the last one, since before the allergic reaction we say a glimmer of hope that we have never seen before.  Since it was not a new treatment that become more expensive we know that while it may be a bit tight, we can afford this cycle.  We (hubby, OB, RE, and me) decided that we could not count this as something that did not work since I had the allergic reaction.  My RE has a way to avoid that reaction so we will give it one more try.  If it doesn't not work some things will have to be decided, and yes money will be the main factor.  After this things become more expensive, injections and IUI are not cheap things as many of you know.  With no insurance help and with no savings it would be a huge challenge. 

I am currently on day 3 of my clomid.  My side effects have been crazy.  They have never been this bad. Tomorrow I am going to make a phone call because they are a little worrisome at this point.  I fear calling though.  I have decided, regardless of my body rejecting the meds or no, regardless of a baby or not, this is my LAST cycle with this medicine. We may decide to move forward if we find the next step to be fairly affordable.  I am so tired of this mess.  I want it to be done.  I want to have a baby and I want to feel like I am living my life, or really I'll take any life.  I just want to live. 

One of the hardest things so far in the journey, outside of losing children and having many BFN test results, is the loss of friends.  I am currently enduring a battle with a "best friend" right now.  I can be thankful that in the past year as I have been going through this trial in my life, I have gained the ability to stand up for myself.  I finally confronted my friend.  I told her that of all my friends she should be the one who is there for me the most.  We have known each other since we were 12.  We are now 26.  That is a lot of years.  When I had a cyst rupture, she was on my list of the few people I wanted to inform.  I needed to praying.  There were just a handful of people who got a text that day from my husband.  She was the ONLY one who did to respond with something as simple as "I'm praying" Or "Thinking of you" or something equally simple, but enough to know that you have a friend who cares.  Then as we have been dealing with infertility cost our trips out of town to see her and other friends have decreased.  Still no word from her.  When I do make it there, almost no effort to see me is made.  Is that what a best friend does?  She gets heads up of my visit, but then makes plans with people she gets to visit with anytime since they live so close.  Then to top all of this off.  For the first time I shared of my miscarriage, this was my second, but a message was sent out to my closest friends that we had just lost a baby.  To this day she has still not once acknowledged this fact.  Now she is getting married, and doesn't want my help at all in her wedding.  She only wants me to be there.  No not with her helping her, but just a person filing a chair.  At my wedding she threw a fit because I had decided I wanted to have my closest friends share the role.  I decided I would have a Matron and a Maid of honor.  Well she refused to share the role and demanded she be a bridesmaid.  Her choice, I wasn't going to fight.  I just wanted to marry my best friend.  She then said she didn't think she could make it to my wedding because she had a wedding to attend around the same time.  ATTEND, not be in.  She said that since she was "just a bridesmaid" she didn't see it being important enough to skip the wedding, but if she was MOH she would work harder to come.  Um?  In the end do to some financial reasons I wasn't able to help my Matron get to my wedding and she was unable to either.  So I ended up with just a Maid of Honor and my friend attended my wedding.  Now I am the jerk who confronted this girl for ignoring my distress and for being upset and jealous that I am not in her wedding.  She claims it is all family, which is great.  I don't need to be the wedding, but if I really am somebody she claims as a "bestie" then shouldn't she still be happy that I am asking her what I can do to help.  I mean the stupid grunt work, tying bows and other things like that.  Nope, she has people for all that.  She just wants me to come, sit, watch, and leave. 

I am so frustrated.  I don't know what to do.  We have this big fight going on through email messages.  I have told her that the biggest issue I have is that she has completely ignored the fact that I have lost babies, and that I am having problems getting pregnant.  She tried to claim that she didn't get my full text messages.  She never told me she got a messed up message.  She never asked what, nothing.  She claims she did say she was sorry I was dealing with this stuff. 

I have also learned today that a friend who got pregnant while on the pill decided that she and her husband really didn't want that child.  They were not planning on it.  They debated giving the baby up for adoption, but don't want to give up their life and she didn't want to wait 9 months and deal with the annoyance of pregnancy right now.  They decided to abort their baby.  Then she has the nerve to share all this with me, knowing that I can't have one. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sept. 11-10 years

September 11, 2001.  That is all that needs to be said.  A date in history, but that short phrase a story of pain ans sorrow and a uniting for our country.  For me, this year marks 10 years since the hardest time in my life (outside of my miscarriages, those take the top now).  9/11/01 not only marked the day this country got changed forever, but also marked the end of a crappy period and a change in my life, that eventually lead to where I am today.  While it was hard, and I wish it had never happened, I take what I have learned and gained from it and move on.  I am strong because of it all. 

September 11 is my fathers birthday .so when I woke up that day my mind was reeling with ideas of how to get my father to love me again instead of allowing his new wife to have me moved out into the house of a stranger.  As normal even on the morning our country was attacked, I left for school with not a single word spoken to me from my father or his wife.  When I arrived at school I was shocked to learn of the attack.  The school day was a blur as all we did in every class was watch the news.  That evening after school and by the time my father and his wife were off work I was told to start packing, and that Saturday I was fully moved out.  I had lost my family.  My mind of course had to wonder to my deceased mother and do what I try so hard never to do.  Wonder what might have been if she was still alive. 

Just a few short days before all of this the day I still have nightmares about had changed me forever and also marks a huge beginning this journey with endo.  In, what should have been the security of my bedroom, I was taken with force by a male who had been known for ages. Home from dance, changing out of leotard I made myself vulnerable without though to danger.  Yes, I was raped.  While I was struggling for life, the gift for my future husband was stolen, and little did I know the worst was yet to come.  Since I had been refusing to date this guy, he decided that he would steal what he could from me, and do what he could to damage me.  Not only was there a knife and bleeding, but the beginning of scar tissue would now always be around, not a great thing for Endo.  

When my father was informed (mind you there was a mess of blood still on the ground), my brother convinced my dad it was fake and that his friend has been with him the entire time at the store.  Now you see why this horrible daughter was kicked out of the house for being so "troubled."  All periods had been heavy and painful, far more than that of the average young teen, but they quickly became worse.  Being the naive things I was. When my brother and father denied the story, I never pursued medical help, or police help.  I know better now, but at the time was too scared to say anything. 

September 11, 2011.  Ten years ago my life changed.  I became damaged and now I live with a case of stage 4 endometriosis and scarring that causes many many problems, all ending in pain and infertility.  

This is the 10 year anniversary, and I have survived.  I am strong and I have a mighty God.  

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Do Not Want To Wait

I know it has been awhile since my last post.  I have been so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am going crazy.  I have to wonder why in the world I am holding onto a dream that seems to be so far away, actually seems not possible.  Far away was what it seemed when I started this journey.  Far away seemed possible still.  It may take time and hard work, but far away is a distance, it can be shortened. 

My last post was discouraging.  I had no growth it seemed and things were looking down.  I went back that Monday, not expecting anything other than being close to broke.  Laying back and awaiting for that little annoying magical wand I was numb and dazed and ready to be told that nothing was happening.  To my surprise and the surprise of my RE my lining was exactly where it needed to be.  What?  That is weird, that has never ever happened.  Do I dare let my hopes raise?  No, my follies will still be bad.  One at 17.  WHAT?  Hopes have been raised.  That was a lot of growth in just a few short days.  This is a miracle. 

I was given lots of directions for the ovidrel shot and all my timings for when to inject and when to have sex.  What a romantic life we lead.  Spontaneity is completely gone with this life.  I was okay though.  I was happy.  The ovidrel helps add another few mm to the folllies, so the 24 hours I needed before the shot and then the shot and the 30 hours later were bound to give me a good follie.  This was great. 

Wednesday came and it was time to inject into my belly.  I was texting with a friend back and forth all day.  A friend who has done all of this many times before.  My injection site burned, itched, and quickly bruised.  Supposedly normal sometimes to happen.  I attempted to not worry about it.  Now my time to relax and try not to worry too much about what was going on and to do what I can to get ready to have hopefully a tolerable sex life within the next 30-48 hours. 

Friday morning arrived way to early.  I woke up feeling so badly.  All day Thursday I felt horrible, my joints were in pain, I was sick feeling.  My injection site was swollen and bruised.  I was getting sick and had an annoying pain from my injection.  This was not good.  I was headed up to my camp to help out for the weekend.  When I woke up Friday I assumed I was just getting sick, but trying to ignore it because it was a little late to cancel my plans.  I had made a commitment and was determined to see it through.  I drove my husband to work, and thankfully this time I didn't have too many plans.  My only plans were to meet a friend for lunch and visit with her, and then make a few quick stops on my way to pick up my husband and head to the camp.  I was looking forward to getting home and taking a little nap to hopefully sleep off this sickness.   I got home and as I was gathering a few last items to put in the suitcase and then rest.  I noticed a major burning and itching feeling through most of my body and my injection site had swelled a lot.  I took a look and my bruise had grown a lot.  I figured it was time to call.

I had an allergic reaction to my injection.  Great, I can never just have something good.  I went to the doctor and got a shot to ease the reaction.  Since there was an allergic reaction we are unsure if there was actually ovulation.  So much for a good egg.  Since then I have been feeling poorly.  I worked my weekend, even with my limited movement I still ended up feeling horrible the next day.  It was a big banquet dinner.  Setting up was okay, but once the dinner service started it went downhill.  Running around just ruined it all. 

The last few weeks since all that I have felt so out of control.  My emotions are all over the place.  The stupidest things make me cry, or angry.  My poor husband is at a loss of how to help me.  I get mad at him, and most of the time for no reason at all, and if there is a reason it is pathetic.  As this cycle is nearing its end I am feeling heartbroken.  We can't afford more.  My doctor and RE have put a time limit on this journey because of egg quality and a few other things.  This is our time to keep trying, if we take a break we will more than likely be ending it all.  This is a hard thing to handle.  I hate money has so much control over this decision.  We have no savings left because of my miscarriage.  My husband and I don't think it is wise of use to keep trying.  What happens if we succeed?  We wouldn't have money to get what we need to have a baby.  Sure we would have 9 months to get it, and we would no longer be paying to try anymore which would give us back a min. of $300 a month.  Which could help our savings a lot.  It is such a hard choice.  Since things are not working, the next few steps will be getting more and more expensive. 

Each day this cycle is closer to ending I get more and more nervous.  I get sick feeling just at the idea of stopping.  I want a baby and I don't want to wait anymore!