Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Happy Weekend

I feel as if I've kind of ran away from the world for a few days, or weeks really.  I think I vaguely mentioned how I was currently still doing stims to help keep my ovaries awake while we decide what to do.  I feel like I'm losing my mind, and turns out, I kind of am, or at least my hormones are going wild.

I felt stuck in this place of desperation, desperation for a child, longing for the children I had that didn't get to be born and frustration for all those failed cycles that got us nowhere.  I'm so tired of my life being ruled by cycles.  My period shows, and I'm stuck in bed barely able to move, eat, or live with the pain, then I start taking stims.  I quickly turn into a hot flashing crazy lady.  Then starts drinking gallons of water at a time (okay maybe a slight exaggeration) taking pre-natal all in the hopes that it might help.  My hormones go crazy and I stop having control of my emotional state.  I start having pains in my ovaries.  I have to violated often by other men often to watch the growth of my follies and my lining thickness.  I have to be careful to avoid OHSS, which I never want to deal with again.  Then I wait for 2 long torturous weeks.  Thanks to all the meds I get to feel pregnant.  I have to physically treat myself as though I am.  Those two weeks I have no live.  I can't lift too much, I can't do lot of movements I normally would do.  Then when that lovely bloody monthly curse shows up, I get to deal with the sadness of having failed again, and also the pain of my cramps and the beginning of another cycle.  What kind of life is that?  In that whole time I only have a small window of opportunity of when I can have a life without serious painful side effects.

I had forgotten what it was like to have a normal life.  I had forgotten how much I needed it.  Since my ectopic I've been on limited duty.  We had to deal with paying all the bills from the blood work, from the hospital and from the shots that I had to take.  Finally we were in a financially decent (not great, just decent) place  again, so my hubs decided it was time to take me out for a date.  It was a great a night.  We went to a movie and then went to dinner.  We ended up sitting until 1 Am at the restaurant just talking and enjoying ourselves.  We had good long conversations that didn't focus on medications, pain, or budgeting out next cycle.  It reminded of when we were dating.  We had some great talk about heaven that for a moment gave me some peace and calming as we thought of our children up there. It's one of the first time I've thought of our children and not been overcome with sadness and anger.

Saturday was a good day for us, we both got up about the same time and had a lazy day watching movies.  We met some friends for dinner as we do each week.  I designed a baptism invite for a friend while there, which was a bit sad, but I treated it like a job and was able to keep my sadness at bay.  Later that night we meet some friends who just got in town.  It was another young couple with no children.  We had so much fun and it was nice to hang out with friends with no children.  That may sound bad, but it was nice.  We stayed up until 3 AM at Denny's chatting, laughing, and joking.   I got home that night morning thinking about how fun this weekend had been.

Sunday was our annual family reunion on my husband's side of the family.  This was even fun.  Thanks to facebook and time I'm starting to remember everybody on his side of the family.  It was nice to have real conversations with his cousins and other family.  Last year this was a hard event for me because there were some new babies, and would have been the first reunion for our first baby.  This one had a bit of sadness before I arrived since our second loss would have been just short of two months.  I actually felt really happy for most of the day, but towards the end as I was watching the children run around I started to feel that pain of sadness.  It continued into the evening and I was sad that this happiness had only lasted a short time.

I thought this was sadness at our losses, but as Monday arrived I realized it was more than that.  I was grieving for our lost life.  I was missing fun weekends were we were not stressing about injecting at a specific time, or making sure I was able to keep my medicines cold.  I want that again, but I want that joy with a child added.  I worry that will never happen, so these moments of carefree joy will be few and far between.  For now I'll be happy for a great weekend and attempt to not over stress about my future.  

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