I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable. I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us. Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers. They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.
My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home. It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving. I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now. To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising. We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus. Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding. My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look. My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy. The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall. This was causing all my blood loss. Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.
Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising. This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday. Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness. I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming. Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone. We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place. In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill. I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising. I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't. Today I had shot number two. Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down. I hope that this is it. I'm so done with all of this. I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further. I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.
I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated. I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal. It's been worse because my husband was gone all week. I've had a few moments of being completely angry. I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream. I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort. If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route. For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb. I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.
Dealing with Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, low ovarian reserve, and a hostile uterus. Struggling to maintain a normal life while taking this journey. Putting my trust in God and hoping my writing can help others in similar positions.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Another Year Older, Still Childless
Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries. Happy birthday to me, huh? I've never been one to care that much about my birthday. I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all. No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27. I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child. I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children. Happy birthday to me?
Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating. Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home. While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated. I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else. Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope? If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits. My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process. There are so many things this can mean. I not even sure I want to think about what could happen. I figure I'll face that reality when I get there. I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?
Today a dear friend had her baby girl. She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation. The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby. Don't get me wrong, I understand that. She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one. She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home. I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her. She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list. Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her. I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up. I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.
I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart. While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me. In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again. In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages. This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now. Happy Birthday to me?
I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages. Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is. They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true. Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out. By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat. Never ever downplay an early loss. For those short weeks that couple had a baby.
Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating. Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home. While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated. I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else. Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope? If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits. My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process. There are so many things this can mean. I not even sure I want to think about what could happen. I figure I'll face that reality when I get there. I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?
Today a dear friend had her baby girl. She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation. The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby. Don't get me wrong, I understand that. She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one. She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home. I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her. She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list. Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her. I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up. I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.
I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart. While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me. In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again. In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages. This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now. Happy Birthday to me?
I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages. Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is. They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true. Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out. By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat. Never ever downplay an early loss. For those short weeks that couple had a baby.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A New Plan To Come
I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today. I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM. I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified. My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around. The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases. I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous. I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.
I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life. Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this. I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach. My next step is going going to get more involved. I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections. I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge. This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it. Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.
I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines. Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair. I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try. I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant. There are no issues, not problems. Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later. I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.
Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me. I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life. I will shed my tears. Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have. Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!
The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle. I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle. The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.
While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.
I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life. Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this. I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach. My next step is going going to get more involved. I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections. I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge. This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it. Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.
I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines. Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair. I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try. I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant. There are no issues, not problems. Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later. I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.
Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me. I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life. I will shed my tears. Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have. Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!
The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle. I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle. The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.
While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Feeling Myself Drifting Away
For some reason I find myself feeling so lost. I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world. I feel myself drifting away from reality. I don't want anything to do with anybody. I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends. I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible. I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have. I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence. I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less. I don't understand. I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care? I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough. Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life." I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us. I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us. How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone. I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.
I Would Give It All
The young one there,
The overwhelmed
The one that doesn't want.
It seems so easy.
These all choose to end it.
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever
I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line.
Out of nowhere
The first time
The accident
It seems so easy
Hold the complaints
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever
I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line
I want to know what it's like
To have our love multiplied
To hold in our hands
A dream we brought to life.
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever.
I would give it all
To know what it's like
I would give it all
For the chance to hold you
I would give it all
To bring our dream to life
I would give it all
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Unresponsive Ovary
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| A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada |
I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas. My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot. It was a short trip, but it was so needed. Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip. I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad. I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers. For me that was my highlight. I then went to the Bellagio Gardens. It was beautiful. Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio. Sadly by that time my pain was taking over. Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable. I am thankful for the one day I had though. It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.
I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up. My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it. I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down. It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo. It annoys me. It has been proven to me that it is in my case. What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors? I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.
I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding. From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason. I am day 13. Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie. My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary. When she finally did it was barely anything to see. She could not get the wand close enough to see it. It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing. My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant. My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine. I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month. I hold little hope for that.
I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November. Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice. I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice. I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child. I hate feeling this way. I wish I knew what I could do. I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.
My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things. I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well. Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it. In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings. He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time. He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids. Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice. I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child. I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Adenomyosis and Low Reserve, What More?
I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings. I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now. Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.
Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not. I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment. I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed. The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst. He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15. What does that all mean? This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term. How did I get there at 26? No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why.
Now what do I do about it? Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed. What was that? That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount. Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more? I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach. What the crap is that? To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs. As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby. This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.
At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow. This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve. The results of this test will let us know what to do. If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI. The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much. My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so. The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me. That will be my last chance though. One pregnancy is all I can do. There will be so much damage.
If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope. I would have a laparascopy again. This would clear out more endo. The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down. Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive. Everything would have to be monitored. Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there. My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.
Now onto a strange and weird note. We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue. Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21. That is totally amazing. I have never had something so good. Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that. So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time. If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about. We could lose it, and that worries me. If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.
This is so much to take in. I am so tired of waiting and wanting. No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over. Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy. I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one. I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me. I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle. I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines. For now I wait.
Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not. I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment. I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed. The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst. He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15. What does that all mean? This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term. How did I get there at 26? No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why.
Now what do I do about it? Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed. What was that? That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount. Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more? I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach. What the crap is that? To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs. As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby. This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.
At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow. This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve. The results of this test will let us know what to do. If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI. The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much. My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so. The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me. That will be my last chance though. One pregnancy is all I can do. There will be so much damage.
If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope. I would have a laparascopy again. This would clear out more endo. The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down. Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive. Everything would have to be monitored. Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there. My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.
Now onto a strange and weird note. We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue. Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21. That is totally amazing. I have never had something so good. Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that. So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time. If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about. We could lose it, and that worries me. If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.
This is so much to take in. I am so tired of waiting and wanting. No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over. Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy. I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one. I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me. I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle. I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines. For now I wait.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sept. 11-10 years
September 11, 2001. That is all that needs to be said. A date in history, but that short phrase a story of pain ans sorrow and a uniting for our country. For me, this year marks 10 years since the hardest time in my life (outside of my miscarriages, those take the top now). 9/11/01 not only marked the day this country got changed forever, but also marked the end of a crappy period and a change in my life, that eventually lead to where I am today. While it was hard, and I wish it had never happened, I take what I have learned and gained from it and move on. I am strong because of it all.
September 11 is my fathers birthday .so when I woke up that day my mind was reeling with ideas of how to get my father to love me again instead of allowing his new wife to have me moved out into the house of a stranger. As normal even on the morning our country was attacked, I left for school with not a single word spoken to me from my father or his wife. When I arrived at school I was shocked to learn of the attack. The school day was a blur as all we did in every class was watch the news. That evening after school and by the time my father and his wife were off work I was told to start packing, and that Saturday I was fully moved out. I had lost my family. My mind of course had to wonder to my deceased mother and do what I try so hard never to do. Wonder what might have been if she was still alive.
Just a few short days before all of this the day I still have nightmares about had changed me forever and also marks a huge beginning this journey with endo. In, what should have been the security of my bedroom, I was taken with force by a male who had been known for ages. Home from dance, changing out of leotard I made myself vulnerable without though to danger. Yes, I was raped. While I was struggling for life, the gift for my future husband was stolen, and little did I know the worst was yet to come. Since I had been refusing to date this guy, he decided that he would steal what he could from me, and do what he could to damage me. Not only was there a knife and bleeding, but the beginning of scar tissue would now always be around, not a great thing for Endo.
When my father was informed (mind you there was a mess of blood still on the ground), my brother convinced my dad it was fake and that his friend has been with him the entire time at the store. Now you see why this horrible daughter was kicked out of the house for being so "troubled." All periods had been heavy and painful, far more than that of the average young teen, but they quickly became worse. Being the naive things I was. When my brother and father denied the story, I never pursued medical help, or police help. I know better now, but at the time was too scared to say anything.
September 11, 2011. Ten years ago my life changed. I became damaged and now I live with a case of stage 4 endometriosis and scarring that causes many many problems, all ending in pain and infertility.
This is the 10 year anniversary, and I have survived. I am strong and I have a mighty God.
September 11 is my fathers birthday .so when I woke up that day my mind was reeling with ideas of how to get my father to love me again instead of allowing his new wife to have me moved out into the house of a stranger. As normal even on the morning our country was attacked, I left for school with not a single word spoken to me from my father or his wife. When I arrived at school I was shocked to learn of the attack. The school day was a blur as all we did in every class was watch the news. That evening after school and by the time my father and his wife were off work I was told to start packing, and that Saturday I was fully moved out. I had lost my family. My mind of course had to wonder to my deceased mother and do what I try so hard never to do. Wonder what might have been if she was still alive.
Just a few short days before all of this the day I still have nightmares about had changed me forever and also marks a huge beginning this journey with endo. In, what should have been the security of my bedroom, I was taken with force by a male who had been known for ages. Home from dance, changing out of leotard I made myself vulnerable without though to danger. Yes, I was raped. While I was struggling for life, the gift for my future husband was stolen, and little did I know the worst was yet to come. Since I had been refusing to date this guy, he decided that he would steal what he could from me, and do what he could to damage me. Not only was there a knife and bleeding, but the beginning of scar tissue would now always be around, not a great thing for Endo.
When my father was informed (mind you there was a mess of blood still on the ground), my brother convinced my dad it was fake and that his friend has been with him the entire time at the store. Now you see why this horrible daughter was kicked out of the house for being so "troubled." All periods had been heavy and painful, far more than that of the average young teen, but they quickly became worse. Being the naive things I was. When my brother and father denied the story, I never pursued medical help, or police help. I know better now, but at the time was too scared to say anything.
September 11, 2011. Ten years ago my life changed. I became damaged and now I live with a case of stage 4 endometriosis and scarring that causes many many problems, all ending in pain and infertility.
This is the 10 year anniversary, and I have survived. I am strong and I have a mighty God.
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