Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tag-Now You're It

In an attempt to help my thoughts move to a better place I decided it was time to engage in a little Blog-Tag.  I was tagged by my good friend  Endo Journey(thank you!).
Here are the rules:
1)  First post the rules.
2)  Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3)  Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4)  Tag people and link them to your post.
5)  Let them know that you tagged them.
Here are here questions and my answers right below:
Ok here are my questions:
1. If you could visit one planet, which would it be and why?
  Maybe Mars, though even if I could I probably wouldn't, I can't even tolerate flying in a plane, let alone a space shuttle.  
2. If you could be a vegetable, which would you be and why?
Pumpkin because no matter what I'm feeling inside I've always got a happy face on.  
3. What is your favorite flower?
Toss up between Roses and Petunias
4. If you could travel back in time, what year would you go to? Why?
1990, the year I was adopted.  I would let my guard down sooner and open my heart to my family sooner so I could enjoy more time with the forever family and my mother who ended up dying 7 years later.  
5. If you could only keep 1 piece of technology what would it be?
My iPhone, I can do games, movies, and all the Internet with it still!
6. What one CD could you listen to on repeat?
any Adele
7. What cuisine of food could you not live without?
8. What would be your dream profession barring any limitations in reality (like salary, etc.)
Honestly, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home Mom, so a mom
9. What is your favorite dessert?
10. Where was your most memorable weekend getaway?
My Vegas trip, because it's really my only weekend getaway
11. What word do you find to be the funniest?

Groddy, mainly because my husband finds it funny that I use the word.

My questions to those I tag...

1.  If you could step into the world of any book you've read, what would it be and why?

2.  How many siblings do you have?

3.  If you could repeat any year in school, what would it be and why?

4.  If you could travel anywhere in the world, money being no hindrance, where would you travel and why?

5.  What's your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?

6.  If you had been able to choose your own name, what would you name yourself

7.  What the one CD/movie you own that you would be embarrassed to admit to?

8.  If you could have any pet (ANYTHING) what would it be and why?

9.  What did you dream of growing up to be and what are you now?

10.  If you could hire out one household chore, what would it be and why?

11.  What is the most dangerous/crazy thing you have ever done?

Tag you're it...

Monday, February 27, 2012

Surrounded by Children, yet Childless

This weekend was a huge test of my strength.  Everyday from Friday until today I spent around children, from 1 month old up to 4 years old.  Sunday was the hardest of them all . We went to a birthday part for a one year old.  This was hard to watch for so many reasons as I am sure other infertile women can understand.

The hardest part though was that we brought a long a cute little 3 year old girl with us because her parents had to work and couldn't bring her.  It felt so nice and so natural to me to gather food for her, to help her.  It was so a bittersweet moment.  I was surrounded by people I didn't know very well, so I had to hold it together, but I could feel myself breaking.  Thankfully I never broke down, though it was tough as I watched my husband interact with the children.  I wish I could give him a child of his own.  I know he would be an amazing father.  The little girl we watched was so sweet and my husband was great with her.

Today in the "aftermath" so to speak of a child filled weekend my heart feels like it's breaking.  If I never get to have a child will I ever lose this feeling?  Will I ever stop grieving the fact that I've been unable to provide my husband with a child?

In my attempt to hold things together I did get to snap a few pictures of my husband hanging out with the little girl.  It wasn't until later in the evening when I finally looked at them that my break down happened.

Why can't we have our own?

Here are a few of my favorites for the night.  I wish I could give him one.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fighting to Heal

It's all over and I don't know what to do.  I'm struggling to come back into the world.  I keep finding myself pushing away from everything.  I've never had this problem before.  I've had my moments of doubt, and I've had my moments of grieving and hiding away, but I've always been able to to quickly come back.  I just have to remember my amazing husband and that God has a plan, and I'm able to move on, I'm able to grieve, grow, and regain my hope.  I don't know how to do that this time.

I had to choose to end the life of our baby.  I know we had no choice.  The baby was dying and killing me in the process.  I understand all of it, but it doesn't make me feel any better.  I just can't understand how this makes any sense.  All I can think over and over is why?  I wonder as well how to move forward.  I can't seem to understand how to make it to the end of the day, let alone to my WTF appointment.

I can't tolerate being around babies or pregnant women, yet those are the only people we have around us at the moment.  We have a birthday party to attend for a 1 year old on Sunday.  How am I suppose to be able to go, be around all those children and be happy?  I'll work myself up into thinking I'm strong enough to handle it.  As soon as we walk into the house that pain will hit.  It will feel as though I've been punched in the chest.  I'll be unable to breath and my eyes will want to be a geyser.  I'll be surrounded by people and children so I'll take a deep breath and move on as though nothing is wrong.  I'll make myself  numb again.

Then I'll come home where the anger attacks.  I've never had such anger before.  One minute I'm so angry that this had to happen, and then next I have no feelings.  I don't care and I just want to give up on the idea of ever being a mother.  I want to give up on ever giving my husband the child he deserves to have.  Then I pictures his eyes.  The pain hits all over again.  The sadness he feels, I feel.  I'm hurt we can't have a child, I'm hurt my body can't give my husband what he deserves. He would make an amazing father, and I can't give him that.   This cycle seems to be a daily battle.

I've been trying to keep myself busy.  This is difficult though since I'm not suppose to be doing much physically.  I just want life to be normal.  I was chatting with a friend the other day who also struggles with infertility. She got a BFN from an IUI.  I said to her, why can't it just be a simple act of love, a night of romance and desire to bring us that baby?  Why are so many women ending up with accidental babies.  Babies they can't even bother giving up for adoption.  Instead they just end the life of perfectly healthy babies.  How does any of this make sense?

Will it ever make sense?  I don't know what to do.  I know I need to fight to heal, but I just can't seem to find the strength to try.  

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.