Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A New Plan To Come

I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today.  I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM.  I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified.  My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around.  The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases.  I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous.  I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.

I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life.  Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this.  I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach.  My next step is going going to get more involved.  I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections.  I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge.  This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it.  Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.

I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines.  Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair.  I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try.  I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant.  There are no issues, not problems.  Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later.  I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.

Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me.  I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life.  I will shed my tears.  Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have.  Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!

The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle.   I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle.  The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.

While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.  

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Another Period; Another Broken Heart

Lately I've been limited on who to share about doing more cycles. I haven't shared on here, but my husband and I did try another cycle.  I decided not to share with anybody about this cycle.  We just wanted to have the chance to try without people asking us if it worked only two days after a test.

My first ultrasound was done on day 13, which was the Monday before Thanksgiving.  I had the best follies that I have ever had on the right ovary. Still nothing on my left side, and my D. S and my RE have decided it is officially done.  That didn't bother me though.  I had not one large follicle, but TWO!!! I was amazed and in shock.  I had two all 22 or bigger, how crazy is that.  I was told to trigger on Tuesday, so to make the timing right, I did my trigger shot on Tuesday morning. I was so hopefully about this whole thing.  I was told there is a risk of twins.

A risk of twins?  Why is that a risk.  For an infertile who is spilling out tons of money for the chance to maybe have a kid, twins is not a risk, it is a miracle.  I would be thrilled to have twins.  It is the ultimate two for one deal!  I had great mature eggs, and TWO!!!!  My husband and I decided to give it all we could for this one.  We have never had such a good chance. TMI: TO give it our best chance the only things we really could do, was have sex as often as possible, so we did.  I was in pain for so long because with my endo it is so not a fun activity.  I was hopeful though, I wanted this to work.  I am so done with all these cycles.

The two week wait had begun, again.  Thanksgiving was in the beginning and that helped a lot to keep me distracted.  I wanted to hope, and I was hoping, but I was so afraid to hope.  The first week went quickly, but the last week just dragged by.  I was so impatient and made the dumb mistake of testing on Sunday, two days too early.  This of course was a negative, and while it sucked to once again see a negative, I didn't let it get me down.  It was too early to test, and I should have known better.  Tuesday rolled around, day 28 of my  cycle, and the end of the two week wait.  I still had absolutely no signs of an upcoming period, and so even when I thought I was hoping, I did have a sliver of hope.  Wednesday showed, with still not period.  I had a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday.  My purpose was to discuss what we were going to do about trying and about my endo pain.  I begin to hope that maybe this appointment's purpose was about to change.  I decided as I was getting ready for bed that I would test the next morning before leaving for my appointment.  I feel asleep so hopeful.  Thursday morning arrived and I woke up with cramping and pains, my heart sank.  I went to the bathroom, where I had my stick sitting out to greet me with a sweet little note from my also hopeful husband, who had already left for work.  There was no need to test, I was bleeding.

I had no time to mourn or be sad, it was time to leave since I had errands to run before leaving for my 2 hour trip to my doctor office.  I used all my strength not to cry while sending off Christmas gifts and cards at the post office.  Finally I was on my two hour drive and of course while driving down the 99 I couldn't help but let the tears fall.  By the time I made it to the doctor's office I was calmed down, sort of, and ready to figure out what to do.  It was a good appointment.  Dr. S had a lot to share.  I'm not sure if I actually feel better, but there is a plan.  He told me that because of how good my follies were, and also how good my husband's junk is (in fact Dr. S called it "super sperm") there is no reason for the two not to be meeting.  He thinks my problem may be more in the fact that it is no implanting.  He said that because of my late period and how I didn't have my normal pre-period cramping that we had a fertilized egg, but it never implanted.  Not really what I want to hear.  He is sending me to another specialist that he works with.  I am currently awaiting that call from that place so I don't fully know yet what the new plan will be.

I was able to visit with a good friend while I was in the area.  I was having problems focusing though, and even though I love my friend, I was grateful when it was time to head home.  I still hadn't told my husband about my period and our BFNBFNs and he has been sad, but always hopeful, always with something positive or comforting to say, but this time nothing.  I saw that face and literally felt as though my heart was breaking.

I am so tired of this life.  How much more are we to take.  My doctor told that he was highly encouraged by how well my right ovary had responded and he told me that he would highly recommend us to keep trying.  I talked with my wonderful husband.  If we keep trying it means taking longer for us to save money to buy a house closer to his work.  It means he has to spend even more time driving 45 minutes to work.  Despite that fact he said to me that we should try until my right ovary is officially done as well.  I told him it meant we couldn't save as much, and he said that right now, we needed to focus on giving it our all for our chance.  What good would it do us if we stopped to save for a house, and got a house, and had lost our chance forever to have a biological child?  I let Dr. S know the next morning that he could give our information to his specialist and we would see what he has to suggest.

Here we go on another journey.  I'm terrified, I'm broken, and I'm still hopeful.  I hope that  no matter where this new direction takes us that I can always remember just how wonderful of a husband I have.  I don't know where I would be without this amazing man.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Feeling Myself Drifting Away

For some reason I find myself feeling so lost.  I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world.  I feel myself drifting away from reality.  I don't want anything to do with anybody.  I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends.  I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible.  I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have.  I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence.  I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less.  I don't understand.  I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care?  I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough.  Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life."  I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us.  I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us.  How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone.  I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.  

I found this today while surfing through Pinterest, which I rarely do.  I was almost instantly brought to tears.  I couldn't have said it better.

I Would Give It All

The young one there,
The overwhelmed 
The one that doesn't want.
It seems so easy.
These all choose to end it.

I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line.

Out of nowhere
The first time
The accident
It seems so easy
Hold the complaints


I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line

I want to know what it's like
To have our love multiplied
To hold in our hands
A dream we brought to life.


I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever.

I would give it all
To know what it's like
I would give it all
For the chance to hold you
I would give it all
To bring our dream to life

I would give it all






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