Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   


  1. Yup I know loss well having lost 4 babies early on. Every one of them hurt to lose. I still have no child to hold. With each round of IVF I see women announcing their BFP's and some their BFN's. I feel joy for them and I grieve with them. I feel loss when I don't get the take home baby. Why can't they just make the ones that don't want kids the infertile ones?

  2. I'm so sorry! Losing a baby at any point is horrible. It shouldn't be downplayed, it hurts, it changes you, and it is still your baby. No amount of words will fix your loss or heal it,even knowing you are not alone doesn't always help.I know from experience, sometimes nothing helps.Just please know you are loved, and you are prayed for, through everything and everyday.