I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings. I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now. Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.
Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not. I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment. I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed. The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst. He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15. What does that all mean? This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term. How did I get there at 26? No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why.
Now what do I do about it? Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed. What was that? That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount. Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more? I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach. What the crap is that? To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs. As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby. This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.
At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow. This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve. The results of this test will let us know what to do. If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI. The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much. My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so. The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me. That will be my last chance though. One pregnancy is all I can do. There will be so much damage.
If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope. I would have a laparascopy again. This would clear out more endo. The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down. Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive. Everything would have to be monitored. Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there. My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.
Now onto a strange and weird note. We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue. Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21. That is totally amazing. I have never had something so good. Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that. So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time. If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about. We could lose it, and that worries me. If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.
This is so much to take in. I am so tired of waiting and wanting. No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over. Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy. I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one. I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me. I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle. I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines. For now I wait.