Monday, January 30, 2012

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A Crazy Time

I've been so long overdue in catching up on all that has taken place in the last month.  I find myself at odds.  I started this blog to be upfront and honest about all that I've dealt with and continue to deal with when it comes to my endo and infertility.  I'm finding it a challenge to keep being so open.  A few of you reading this know me personally, and that is why I find being so open hard to do.  I spent so many years not showing anybody the truth of how bad the pain of endometriosis, and I finally overcame that part of myself and shared on here what is really happening.  Then the infertile part of me starts to come out, and I shared my present and my past.  For some reason now as I move forward on this journey I don't want to share anymore.

Most days I find it hard to keep moving forward and I want to just ignore the reality of my life with fertility treatments.  I know a large part is that I also don't want to be asked month after month if it work or not. I know the biggest reason I have for struggling to share is that if a cycle were to actually work and I was to get that BFP, that I would then have to share about the miscarriage.  It's sad that if I ever manage to get a BFP it will be overshadowed by this fear.  It is what holds me back so many times.  I am so frustrated and hurt that for so many of us infertile couples it isn't just about getting pregnant, but staying pregnant.  I have made some pretty amazing friends through twitter who are also going through their own infertile journey.  My heart breaks as much for them as myself.  It is such a high number of women who finally experience that happiness of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped away.  Why is it not enough that we suffer to conceive?

In my last post I mentioned my new specialist.  It was a very good appointment.  It was full of a lot of information.  We made a choice and started a new treatment.  I had to wait until my period showed, which finally made it's appearance on Jan. 2.  I then started injection therapy.  Every morning I started my day off by stabbing myself in the stomach, a week later I went for a scan.  I then continued injections for another half week, and came back for my last scan.  This was a very interesting appointment.

My lining was looked at first, and for the first time ever it was a perfect lining, couldn't ask for anything better!  My right ovary was then checked out, and it had a bunch of follies around a 10-13, but nothing big enough to be mature.  Then the great search for my lefty started.  This was a painful process.  The tech was having challenges.  Suddenly the screen was turned so I could no longer see it, and the tech had a strange look on her face.  She removed the wand and told me to hold on, and left that room.  My heart was pounding, the only other time I've had the tech leave like that is to get the doctor because of miscarriages.  I knew this couldn't be the case, but I had that feeling of dread, like something bad was about to happen.  My new doctor, Dr. M.S. came in and took a look, then he told the tech to go get his partner Dr. S.  He came in and had a look.  I'm almost ready to start panicking at this point.  Wandy was removed again, and I was told to get dress and to step across the hall into the room there and wait.  I could barely manage to button my pants.  I go and I wait, and at least 20 minutes passed before Dr. M.S. came in the room.  He went on to explain to me that my left side had a very good follie.  Okay, so why did it take three of you to find that out?  Unfortunately, your left ovary is covered in endo and has made your left ovary shift quite a bit.  The tech couldn't find my ovary and needed assistance.  He and Dr. S then talked together to see what they could come up with.  The fear now with my ovary moved is that if I manage to ovulate my egg will be unable to make it into my tube.  There is also the chance that if it manages to make it to the tube, that will be such a long and hard journey it will still be unable to make it to my uterus and I could end up with an ectopic (tubal pregnancy).  This comes with it's own risk, not only another lost baby, but could end in a ruptured tube and ER surgery.  Then the last blow to this cycle, I was told I was at high risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome).  This comes with a wide range of risks.  It is a positive sign of ovulation, since it can only happen if there is ovulation.  Since there is still a chance egg won't make it into tube, there is also chance that the fluid in my ovaries won't drain properly and could cause a lot of problems, as bad as rupturing  my ovary.  If I ended up with it, I would need to be monitored closely and may need to be drained to prevent the worst.

The day came when it was time to push my trigger shot.  Since we decided after spending so much money and there were so many good things, that we would move forward.  Just a mere 48 hours after my trigger, just about 10 hrs after ovulation, the pain hit and I was overcome with nausea.  I read up on everything.  I rested with limited movement and drank Gatorade.  This was late on Saturday night.   My husband ended up calling the on call doctor at the clinic and took me to ER.  It was confirmed I had OHSS.  I was given IV fluids for a bit, and given strict orders for limited movement, with slow walking around the house, and to drink plenty of fluids, especially those with electrolytes.  My dominant follie is now gone, which means I did ovulate, but who knows where that egg has gone.  For the next two weeks I'm stuck on bed rest w/ limited walking privileges.

My husband and I are really beginning to consider this the last cycle.  It's been two years, two miscarriages, and lots of risk.  Now I'm in so much pain and very sick after spending so much money with no better chance of this working.  How much are we to go through?  We are wondering if this all is really worth it.  For now I just rest and hope the swelling in my ovaries leaves soon.