Monday, August 22, 2011

Double the Dose and Half the Results

This week has been one of the longest most disappointing weeks in a long time.  I have never fully explained what the medicine I am on is suppose to be doing.  The are those of you that understand what I am taking and what it does, but some of you don't.  It is because there are people who do know me in real life that I have been avoiding fully sharing, and fully being open about all of this.  Time to change that.  This journey is getting to long and to disappointing and this is my place to express.  This is my time to be open and not worry about judgement or advice that comes from no understanding or knowledge of my situation.

I have been taking clomid.  I did 6 rounds at 50 MG.  What clomid does is help with maturing my eggs, and ovulation.  After going through all that, we learned that I only ovulated once, maybe twice.  I had to have ultrasounds to make sure that all my follies (eggs) were growing.  They were trying to get me to 20 (mm), but my last ultrasound usually showed no bigger than 16, which they always assumed by ovulation would be a good size, but I guess my body didn't work that way.  It just wasn't enough to keep them growing long enough so after my miscarriage and the testing I was informed of my poor egg quality.  After a long talk with my doctor we decided to go for a double dose of clomid.  My period came and on day 3 I started 100 MG of Clomid and I have felt like I am living a nightmare ever since.  The pain and the side effects have been crazy insane.  I feel as though I am losing my mind most days.  I still had some hope though.  If I was feeling so many side effects I was hopeful that meant my follies were growing.  I went into my first ultrasound on day 11.  My RE and I decided that for this cycle we would do a trigger shot of ovidrel in hopes for a real ovulation. I had a super thin lining and didn't even have a follicle worth measuring.  That was a disappointing since with half dose of clomid on day 11 I was usually measuring close to 10mm.  My hopes were a bit down and I just didn't understand how that could be when I was feeling so terrible.  So cycle day 14, I went back for my next u/s.  My lining had not grown at all, and my follies were not showing much improvement.  Most of my follicles had become smaller, but we had one that was growing, it was at a 9 mm, still not close to what I need.  I was sent home and told to come back Monday (tomorrow).  I was directed to keep taking the stupid ovulation prediction kits.  I was told tomorrow I should start seeing my line get darker.  I have little hope.  I feel so defeated by this whole mess.  How in the world does double the clomid make less growth?

I am more disappointed in this cycle not working because we financially are strapped now.  We are thinking of stopping for awhile so we can save up more money and I can focus on pain management and hopefully get a part time job so that we can get more saved up to try again.  My doctor has now told me that my time really is ticking away for TTC.  He says that if I am not pregnant within a year my chances are basically gone, and they already are, so I can't imagine what this all would be like with even a less chance.  I hate that money has to decide what we do.  I never want to give up on my dream of having my own child, but maybe I have to face reality.  Is is better to spend this money we use for treatments to adopt a child and know that we get a child, or do we keep spending money on the less than 10% chance that I could not only get pregnant, but carry to full term?

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this, or a way to know that all this work will lead to a child and is the right thing to do.  I am sick and tired of being drugged up with hormones and feeling crazy.  I am sick of being in pain and feeling as though I have no life.  I feel defeated.  I just wonder how much more strength I have to keep fighting this fight and moving forward on this journey. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am not Broken

This weekend we went back to our old camp that we used to work out.  It was a nice time.  I really enjoyed good conversations. It was probably the first time I have openly talked, not written, about everything, other than the conversations with my husband.  It was freeing to talk and not feel like the person was trying to rush through anything, or that they really were not listening.  I didn't even realize it was something I was missing out on, but it was.  It was a nice little reminder that it is not unrealistic to have friends who can deal with all aspects of life.  It was refreshing to see that it is possible to have friends who are able to share in the sorrows and the joys of each other lives. 

I had a great weekend when it comes to catching up with friends.  The pain and the side effects of my medicine, however, was horrible.  I had some minor side effects before we left, but as Friday progressed my side effects were crazy insane and I literally felt as though I was losing my mind.  My emotions were a mess, I am seriously surprised that during some of the conversations I had this weekend, since some of them did involve my lost children, I didn't end up crying, which I am thankful for.  The whole weekend though I was a moment away from crying, for no real reason.  I was suddenly feeling so overwhelmed about everything.  Though I am sure most of it is the emotional/hormonal unbalance of things.

I have so many unknown questions, I don't know the answers, I sometimes don't even know the questions.  A big one I have is, how far am I willing to go in this journey, how long do I try?  When do I give up  on the dream to have my own child?   Do people think I am wrong for wanting to pursue pregnancy over adoption?  I know that some people have viewed these feelings I have as meaning that I do not put as much value on adoption.  I will make it clear.  If I adopt, I would be in love with that child just as much as if I had given birth to them.  That does not change my feelings of wanting to also have my own. 

This weekend was good for some emotional reasons, but I did learn some things that just make me feel a little like I am diseased.  I don't want to be avoided or treated like I am glass about to fall off a ledge.  Yes, I am sad about things, yes I have gone through a lot, yes I am still dealing with the fact that I have lost 2 babies, and yes I sometimes in the security of my home cry over the fact that I have friends due months apart from when I would have had a baby.  That does not mean I am broken, or about to be broken.  Even in the midst of my struggles I can still be happy for my friends.  A baby, no matter how it came to be is a wonderful thing to celebrate, and I will celebrate, especially when it is one more child for me to love and to be apart of their lives. 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Period of Death

Just when I think my pain has reached an all time high, I get my period and am overnight transfixed into a useless curled up baby.  I am currently in day 5 of my period and finally see the flow slowing down.  I now am taking double dose of my medicine. The side effects of this medicine is making me crazy.  So on top of being stuck in bed, I feel like I literally am losing my mind.  I hate being such a useless wife.

I am a walking (maybe not walking) contradiction.  I know that I want to keep trying to have my own kid, but now that I am, I am a wreck.  Which if course the stress and worry is not a good thing.  I am terrified.  I am afraid of getting a BFP, only to have it ripped away a few weeks later.  I am afraid of having a BFP, and finding out shortly after it was just a false positive again.  So it would appear I am afraid of getting a positive, but at the same time, I think I will be even more heartbroken to have a negative.  I know, makes no sense.  If my scans do not show a thick lining or good sized eggs, then I may just not try this cycle.  I can't even keep a child alive when things seem right, so why take the chance if we can tell I am already having a bad cycle?

The hard part of all of this is that I know realistically this is my last chance for awhile since we have no insurance coverage for this.  We can't afford to pay for more. We can barely keep up with the ultrasounds and test I am doing now.    I guess after this, if it doesn't work, I can go back to treating my pain and saving money.  I can do what we need to for my pain, because insurance will cover that.

I just want a baby!

Today I should be getting some house cleaning done and getting things ready to pack since we will be gone for the weekend.  Away at our camp.  I am looking forward to leaving reality for a bit, but sadly my period follows me there.  As much as I am looking forward to getting out of the heat and seeing friends we miss, I am already looking forward to just being home. I am just hoping that I can just maintain a tolerable amount of pain for the weekend. I guess only time will tell,