Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Do Not Want To Wait

I know it has been awhile since my last post.  I have been so overwhelmed.  I feel like I am going crazy.  I have to wonder why in the world I am holding onto a dream that seems to be so far away, actually seems not possible.  Far away was what it seemed when I started this journey.  Far away seemed possible still.  It may take time and hard work, but far away is a distance, it can be shortened. 

My last post was discouraging.  I had no growth it seemed and things were looking down.  I went back that Monday, not expecting anything other than being close to broke.  Laying back and awaiting for that little annoying magical wand I was numb and dazed and ready to be told that nothing was happening.  To my surprise and the surprise of my RE my lining was exactly where it needed to be.  What?  That is weird, that has never ever happened.  Do I dare let my hopes raise?  No, my follies will still be bad.  One at 17.  WHAT?  Hopes have been raised.  That was a lot of growth in just a few short days.  This is a miracle. 

I was given lots of directions for the ovidrel shot and all my timings for when to inject and when to have sex.  What a romantic life we lead.  Spontaneity is completely gone with this life.  I was okay though.  I was happy.  The ovidrel helps add another few mm to the folllies, so the 24 hours I needed before the shot and then the shot and the 30 hours later were bound to give me a good follie.  This was great. 

Wednesday came and it was time to inject into my belly.  I was texting with a friend back and forth all day.  A friend who has done all of this many times before.  My injection site burned, itched, and quickly bruised.  Supposedly normal sometimes to happen.  I attempted to not worry about it.  Now my time to relax and try not to worry too much about what was going on and to do what I can to get ready to have hopefully a tolerable sex life within the next 30-48 hours. 

Friday morning arrived way to early.  I woke up feeling so badly.  All day Thursday I felt horrible, my joints were in pain, I was sick feeling.  My injection site was swollen and bruised.  I was getting sick and had an annoying pain from my injection.  This was not good.  I was headed up to my camp to help out for the weekend.  When I woke up Friday I assumed I was just getting sick, but trying to ignore it because it was a little late to cancel my plans.  I had made a commitment and was determined to see it through.  I drove my husband to work, and thankfully this time I didn't have too many plans.  My only plans were to meet a friend for lunch and visit with her, and then make a few quick stops on my way to pick up my husband and head to the camp.  I was looking forward to getting home and taking a little nap to hopefully sleep off this sickness.   I got home and as I was gathering a few last items to put in the suitcase and then rest.  I noticed a major burning and itching feeling through most of my body and my injection site had swelled a lot.  I took a look and my bruise had grown a lot.  I figured it was time to call.

I had an allergic reaction to my injection.  Great, I can never just have something good.  I went to the doctor and got a shot to ease the reaction.  Since there was an allergic reaction we are unsure if there was actually ovulation.  So much for a good egg.  Since then I have been feeling poorly.  I worked my weekend, even with my limited movement I still ended up feeling horrible the next day.  It was a big banquet dinner.  Setting up was okay, but once the dinner service started it went downhill.  Running around just ruined it all. 

The last few weeks since all that I have felt so out of control.  My emotions are all over the place.  The stupidest things make me cry, or angry.  My poor husband is at a loss of how to help me.  I get mad at him, and most of the time for no reason at all, and if there is a reason it is pathetic.  As this cycle is nearing its end I am feeling heartbroken.  We can't afford more.  My doctor and RE have put a time limit on this journey because of egg quality and a few other things.  This is our time to keep trying, if we take a break we will more than likely be ending it all.  This is a hard thing to handle.  I hate money has so much control over this decision.  We have no savings left because of my miscarriage.  My husband and I don't think it is wise of use to keep trying.  What happens if we succeed?  We wouldn't have money to get what we need to have a baby.  Sure we would have 9 months to get it, and we would no longer be paying to try anymore which would give us back a min. of $300 a month.  Which could help our savings a lot.  It is such a hard choice.  Since things are not working, the next few steps will be getting more and more expensive. 

Each day this cycle is closer to ending I get more and more nervous.  I get sick feeling just at the idea of stopping.  I want a baby and I don't want to wait anymore!


  1. I will be thinking and praying for you for strength and comfort during this difficult time. I am so sorry you had another bump in the road - it can be so hard to stay positive when things keep happening to get you down. I understand the not being on the same page thing with the husband. They mean well and try to be as supportive as possible but, WE don't ever want to give up.
    Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way.


  2. I was feeling such a wave of emotions as I was reading this so I can't imagine what you're going through. All of this is so unfair. It sucks that money has to determine who has children and who doesn't, when people all over the world who can't afford to have kids accidentally get knocked up all the time. But I am hopeful for you. It is exciting to know that things worked and I am sending you all of my positive thoughts and prayers and love that you and your amazing husband find peace with whatever decision you make. *big hugs*