Friday, October 26, 2012

Enlarged Ovaries

Things have been hectic, yet I'm on bed rest so not sure why.  Mostly I think I've just been avoiding everything, which takes lots of effort.  My ovary issue is still messing up majorly. My doctor, or doctors actually, are at a loss.  Things looked like they were improving, but they  have acted up again.

Next week I will be undergoing a bunch of test.  I'm a little nervous, but at the same time I'm not.  I want this to end.  I want to move on.  There have been a lot of possibilities thrown around, from an auto-immune to cancer.  It's funny, being told I might have cancer should scare me, but it doesn't.  I also don't think that's what I have.  I know that as of right now a lot of things are pointing in that direction, but I don't feel worried about it.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was an auto-immune though.  That can be easily dealt with.

The last few weeks have been emotional challenging.  There seems to be pregnancy announcements everywhere.  Whenever I hear of one it's always close to where I would have been and it stings.  It feels like somebody has punched me in the chest and I can't catch my breath.  It has always been painful and for each of my pregnancies I have at least one friend or family member with a baby close, but it hurts more this time.  I know it's because we are done trying.  We are moving on.  We want to adopt someday, but we need to focus on buying a house and moving into a larger home so we can pass inspection.  Each announcement not only holds the pain of remember the babies we didn't get to bring home, or of the years we have been trying, but now it's a reminder that we will never get to do that.  We won't get to have any fun announcements, never get to have the moment of seeing our child born or watch their growth via ultrasound.  We are done and it won't happen.

We finally shared with in-laws that we are done.  I'm not even sure at this point how I feel about the whole thing.  I do know I'm grateful for my husband because when his mother tried to push donor egg and surrogacy, he made it clear that it was a choice we already made, TOGETHER. We had already thought about every possible angle, and we were sure we were done.

Next week I will begin a long series of test.  For now I just wait.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Happy Birthday Rory Tatum

Today is coming to an end.  It's been a good day.  I got permission to leave my house and go to a surprise party that I've been helping to plan and run a photo booth for.  My husband was amazing and helped and made it possible to go.  He's now spending some time with his guy friends having a gaming party.  I'll see him tomorrow and I'm glad he has good friends to hang out with, but I'm sad he's not here at this moment.  It hit me hard that at midnight it is the EDD of my dear Rory.  My first ectopic pregnancy, but my third lost child.  It's very possible I would have already given birth, or would be still waiting, but today (clock just changed to 12) I remember Rory Tatum.

Rory I never meet you, I never held you in my arms, but I love you and I miss you.  I wish I could be selfish and take you away from Heaven and bring you to this earth, but I can't.  Why would you want to leave?

I find it ironic that Oct. 14 was your EDD and Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (the whole month actually is) and 7 PM many will be lighting their candles.  I plan on lighting candles for my babies.  Please share your pictures and names if you want.  If you share with me I plan on somehow taking the pictures and names and creating a collage to share later this month.  You can email those to with a subject line of Oct. 15.

For today I remember Rory Tatum.  I love you and one day we will be together.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Ovaries, Eyes, and Pain

Here is a short update, since I'm not into writing on this time.

Things have been crazy for me.  It all started with a cyst on my right side that wouldn't go away, had to get it checked out, turned out it was also an enlarged right ovary.  After much testing, u/s, poking, and prodding my doctor is still fairly clueless what is causing this.  His best guess is an infection.  I was put on hardcore antibiotics and steroids. Things started to calm a little.

I came home only to discover I also had some weird (and still do) issue with my right eye.  All symptoms are that of a sty  but there is nothing visual to point to one.  It's just another weird thing my body does that makes now sense.

My eye is getting a little better, except at night.  My right side is still painful, but not as bad and I have been able to move a little better, but now my left side has kicked in, exactly like my right side, but seems even worse.  I'm not sure if that true, or if it's just became I just tired of it all and don't want to deal with it.

So that's where I'm at, dealing with my stupid ovaries and my doctors have no clue what's going on.  I'm stuck in bed and not able to have a life again.  Though I have been doing badly at staying in bed, mostly because I'm just so mad I don't care what happens.  Yesterday I took some time to photograph an amazing sunset, and today and I had fun playing around with them and doing some fun and crazy edits.  You can check those out here.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Prayers for a Friend

My dear friend @EndoJourney who got pregnant with IVF after a ruptured ectopic from IUI, was admitted to hospital a few days ago for preterm labor.  Her doctors have been working diligently to stop.  Tuesday evening her water broke.  I still haven't heard any more news from her.  She is only 23 weeks, just 5 days short of 24 weeks and viability.  Please pray for her.  Send her some love on twitter and her blog.

She is an amazing lady and her pregnancy has been filled with lots of dangers and worry (you can catch up on her blog).  Please pray for her.  Her and her little boy need it.  Pray for her doctors to do the right things, for her husband who must be struggling knowing he can't do anything to help.  Pray for her family as they sit and wait and worry.  Pray for that little miracle boy, MB who is being born too early.  Pray for a miracle that only God can provide.

Thank you all for praying for this dear friend of mine.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Husband's Love

Time is passing, as it always does.  I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck.  Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.  I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place.  Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest.  My life has been on hold.  Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I don't know how to move on.  I'm not sure I'm ready to move on.

I feel an anger I've never felt before.  I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers.  I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful.  I hate being that way.  I don't want it to effect any of my friendships.  I'm hoping this is something that will just pass.

I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking.  If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster.  My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk.

I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.  He is so amazing and so supportive.  Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him.  When we started dating I told him what a life with me  might mean.  He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days.  He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible.  We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me.  We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness.  He is supportive and he loves me all the same.  I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this.