Tuesday, April 26, 2011

National Infertility Awarness Week

Is it just me or is there a ton of TV shows that now have infertility issues in them?  When I saw the first few I thought, this is kind of cool.  The public needs to be aware of the issues that face such a large number of women.  Infertility is such a taboo topic, but is now finally being spoken about.  Grey's Anatomy has done a pretty good job of showing, not just the hurt of infertility, but the process that one has to do to try.  One Tree Hill has done a great Job of showing how much pain it can cause a women, but yet has given no actual knowledge.  Parenthood gave an actual disease, which is great, but yet they still left it without providing any real information about.  I do hold hope that these shows will hopefully provide more information.

For those not suffering with infertility it is hard for them to really understand what is really going on with the women who are fighting for their chance to conceive.  I am so glad that these popular shows are finally giving the general public a glimpse into the lives that we women deal with, bu t I hope that as these shows continue more facts will be shared. 

With the struggles of insurance and the financial stress that has brought about, my hopefulness has begun to fade.  I have been on this new treatment and see no real changes.  My disappointment is high and I don't know where to go.  I want to gain back my life.  I want to be myself again.  I go back to the doctor on May 5.  I am hoping my doctor can find a way around our insurance, but if he can't, I don't know what will happen.  I need to not be in pain anymore and I want to have a baby.  I have lost hope in ever having both, so there are times I think I will be fine if I can just not be in pain.  That isn't totally true though.  I want a baby.  I want to not be in pain. 

I wake up many nights from dreams of pregnancy.  The pain of reality hurts to bad.  I end up crying most of the night.  I try to keep quiet so my husband doesn't suffer.  He has gotten to the point where he doesn't ask what is wrong, he just wraps his arms around me and holds me.  It is at times like that that I calm down and know that as long as I have him I can keep going and I can survive.   Then I think about how wonderful he is and how nutty I am.  He works so hard for me, and I spend 80% of my time curled up in bed.  How bad for him to have received a lazy partner.  He didn't ask for this.  He is so much more than I deserve. 

I see people holding babies and I have to fight back tears.  Most of the time not even of jealousy, just at the sadness that I may never have a child.  I have always loved to hold babies, but I now avoid it.  It is way too hard now.  I didn't realize I had been avoiding it until this past weekend.  I was around a baby, but I didn't even take the time to watch it or look at it.  It was too hard.  I don't like that I have become that way.  I have friends who are pregnant or have recently given birth.  I want to be able to hold their babies, to smile at them, to enjoy them.  It makes me mad at myself for allowing these stupid feelings to rule my life.  I hate that I have become that way.

For now I leave with thoughts of babies and fighting tears of wonder and hopelessness.  Will I ever get my life back?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Rambles Instead of Sleep

Sometimes I am just so unsure of what to write.  My feelings and my pain overwhelm me and I am unable to express my thoughts.  I also never know how much to share.  If I had chosen to be completely anonymous I would openly share, but I did not chose to do so.  I chose to let my friends know that I was the writer here.  I wanted them to finally get a glimpse into what I was going through.   Few friends have even bothered to read what I have written and so I have been able to truly figure out who my real friends are.  There are still some people though, that are not close friends who are also reading this.  I choose to not openly share because sometimes people are dumb.  They say things with out thinking about it.  They don’t realize how hurtful their words or actions can be. 

If I share about a treatment, I get others opinions and thoughts on the topic.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my real friends thoughts, I am extremely grateful for the online friends and fellow Endometriosis sufferers.  I do not appreciate to be told over and over again how it is the wrong thing, or told exactly what I should do.  What I decide to do is between me, my husband, and my doctors.  I do not want judgement passed for what I do.

I fear for the day that I share information about trying to get pregnant.  When that time comes for me and my husband it is going to be hard enough, with the stress of money and the infertile issue.  I don’t know if I want other people to continue to tell me what I should do, or ask me daily, weekly, even monthly if we have gotten pregnant yet.  Trying when there is a problem is stressful.  I am sure there will be many times that our trying will not work and we will have to live with that disappointment.  I do not want more added to it. 

I also get tired of being asked if we are trying.  I get tired of people making comments about needing to hurry up and have kids (people who know I have a health problem).  I am struggling enough with not being in a place yet where I am able to even consider children.  I am using up all my strength to maintain joy for all those friends of mine who are currently pregnant or those that have even just recently given birth to healthy babies.  I truly am happy for them, but I have a lot of sadness and I wonder, “will I ever get that chance?”

I ask that those of you who know me to please don’t ask stupid question.  You can ask how I am feeling, how my pain is and things like that.  Just don’t ask me when I am going to try for a baby, don’t ask me if I am pregnant yet.  When the time comes I will share it.  I think when the time comes I am going to be so happy that without words you will be able to see that I am.  For now please just pray.  Pray for a chance to try, and pray for a BFP and the ability to carry full term and to deliver a healthy baby.  That is all that can be done.  

I hate waiting and I don’t want to anymore, but my Endometriosis and my PCOS tell me that I must wait.  Please help me wait, Lord.

Monday, April 11, 2011

No Insurance Coverage

I really hate insurance sometimes.  It is a love hate relationship.  I cannot understand why insurance companies and doctors want to treat each case of Endometriosis as if they are all alike.  The doctor will spend all this time explaining how each case is uniquely different, but then treat you like the last patient they had.  Other times they act as though you really don't have Endometriosis.  How many times have you been asked if you were sure you had Endo? I get so sick of it.  Do the doctors not see the stupid laparoscopy results that showed the endometrial tissue, or the ultrasounds that show massive growths of scar tissue and cyst?  Is that not proof enough?  What more do you need for the fact to hit you in the face?

Half the battle of Endometriosis, infertility, and PCOS is dealing with insurance.  Getting them to accept claims, to treat it like real disease that it is.  I just found out today that my current treatment is not covered by insurance, nor is any infertility treatment covered.  Infertility is not a "disease."  There is no health concern with it.  If I don't get pregnant, than what physical health is done?  Non, really, other than all the emotional stress it has, and all the depression it could cause.  It isn't like I am just randomly doing infertility treatment, though all the testing for infertility is covered.  How does any of this make sense?

Tonight when my husband comes home we have a lot of things to discuss and figure out.  Without the help of insurance though, financially we can't do it. I don't know what we will do, or what we can do, so the next few days will be figuring that out.

Someday maybe there will be hope that insurance and doctors will wake up and start treating each individual case, maybe then they could finally provide real help for people, until then, I don't know what to do.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Ultrasound #2

My drive to Fresno yesterday was long.  It was rainy and very windy.  I left with the intention of having 30 minutes to spare and I even brought a book to read for waiting in the waiting room.  Rain has a way of bringing out the idiot drivers, and so I made it to my 10:30 appointment at 10:25, instead of 10, like I thought I would.  I guess I am glad I decided to leave a bit early.

My ultrasound went well, sadly, nothing there really isn't anything new to report.  I made a bit more progress, but not as much as we hoped for.  I will take these types of appointments happily, no progress is better than backwards motion.  We have a plan, and I like that.  I go back to the doctor my next cycle and we will decide the next dosage I am going to try.

I feel badly that I don't have much to share from this appointment, but I am happy that for the first time in years I have a game plan and I feel as though real work is being done.  I hope one day soon it will be a big leap forward, but for now I will  be content with no backward steps. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

PCOS is added to the List

I drove to Fresno yesterday to have my ultrasound done.  I got a bit of a late start and find out as I am stopping at the post office to send off a letter, that my husband has forgotten his lunch and would like to me please bring it to him.  No problems at all, Turlock is on the way to Fresno, but like I said, I had gotten a bit of a late start, so I had to now drive a little out of my way.  Thankfully even with that detour I ended up at my doctors at 10:56 with an appointment time of 11.  I went in to get my ultrasound and was out of there by 11:20.  It was kind of a bummer that a two hour drive only gave me a 20 minute appointment, but I love the doctor I have, so it is worth it. 

I apologize now for some of my readers who do not personally know me.  I will not be sharing a lot about my appointment.  There is still some information that my husband and I want to keep limited..  Since I have people who know me I must keep some of the sharing quiet.  I am keeping a journal outside of the Internet world so that when we feel it is the right time I can update everyone on everything I went through.  As far as the infertility part of things, there was some forward motion, but not a lot to make a good judgment, so I have to go back on Thursday to see how things look.  That means that we are not moving forward.  I am not disappointed because I am glad that I am at least not moving backwards.  It does seem to be possible that I can get pregnant, with the right dosage of medicine.  It may be a while have to figured that out, but it appears we will be able to figure it out.  Now we must work on making sure I will not miscarry once they get the right dosage.  I have a lot of scar tissue from an accident of my youth that I may share at some point.  My endometrial lining is too thin as well.  Hopefully with a lot of patience and God's help these things can be overcome.  I am slowly gaining back the hope I used to have.

I have not yet gotten my results from all the blood work I had done so I am not sure what all that will lead to.  I did however learn in my ultrasound that on top of my Endometriosis I also have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome  (PCOS).  Thankfully right now it doesn't seem to be hurting anything yet, so that is a good thing.  I pray that it continues to just be a minor problem. Tomorrow I have an appointment at 10:30 for another ultrasound.  Please pray that all continues to at least somewhat move forward.  I will remain hopeful as long as things do not move backwards. 

Thank you all for reading, praying, and encouraging.  I do appreciate it.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Next Step...Hopefully

I am starting to feel the butterfly's in my stomach attempting to flutter around all the knots inside.  Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for my ultrasound.  I am praying that things go well.  I know I still have other options, but I am tired of waiting.  I am struggling to hold on to my patience.  I know God has a plan and I need to just trust in that and wait for His perfect timing. 

Last time I went to the doctor, it turned out to be a long day.  I am hoping that tomorrow goes smoothly and that there are no changes in my appointment time.  I don't have to leave here until 9, but I am planning on calling and confirming my appointment at 8 AM, when they open.  I do not want any surprises this time around.  I am hoping that everything on the ultrasound is as it should be and that we can begin the next step.  I want to hold onto the hope that I will be able to give birth to a child.  Boy or girl, I do not care which, I just pray and I hope that this can lead me to a child. 

I hope that if it turns out that my body is not doing what it should that I am remain hopeful.  We don't know what is going to work yet, and there is still hope that something else will work if this doesn't.  I am just so tired of waiting.  I want a kid.  I have been waiting for a long time, and I am so tired of being tired of waiting. 

Please pray for my appointment tomorrow at 11 AM.  I will probably not get around to updating you on this appointment until Wednesday since tomorrow will be a long day.  I will be going to Fresno again, which is a two hour drive away, and also plan on visiting with a friend after my test.  My last post shared how my appointment time changed and cut into our visiting time and so we still need to catch up.  On they way home I also need to stop and pick up groceries.  When I get home tomorrow all I will want to do is lay down and cuddle up with my husband with a good movie. 

Thank you all for your time in reading this and praying for me.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Long Week Ends with A Lazy Afternoon

This week has been a long week.  I want to give up every going to the doctors.  I will not though.  I cannot understand how some people have ever managed to get a job.  The front desk receptionist should be able to handle their job and actually have all the information they need to get it done.  Yesterday I had to go get some blood work done.  Had a bunch of things tested, thyroid, pituitary, and multiple others.  I had called in advance to make sure I did everything I was suppose to.  I was instructed to fast, so I did.

I woke up in the morning to get ready for the day and of course since I cannot eat I am starving.  I head out so that I can get this done and eat.  I arrive at the clinic at about 10:30.  I have a horrible time finding the lab because the front desk person sent me right instead of left.  I finally make it to the lab, and go to check in.  I show them my order form of tests.  They take a look and then beginning the process of paper work.  I spend about 20 minutes with them filling out all the necessary forms and finally my order is added to the stack.  I wait in the waiting room for about 30 minutes, so now it is past 11:30 and my stomach is growling, and I get called back.  I walk over and am politely informed that one of the test I need they are unable to perform and they do not have the needed supplies to complete the test and direct me the the next possible place.

I arrive at location number two.  I provide the order page and ask before signing in and filling out paper work if they can even complete the test.  The front desk lady walks it the back where I can hear they trying to decipher what my doctor has written.  I am directed to go ahead and take a seat while they try to figure out what is written.  They spend about 10 minutes trying to decode his writing before finally calling his office.  After about 20 minutes they finally know what was written and I can begin filling out the paper work they need.  Now that everything i s ready, my arm is tied off and ready to go.  I begin to wonder what is so special about my test.

The lady pricks me and I hear a "Oh sorry, wrong spot.  One more time."  Now the needle is in and I turn back to watch.  Six vials of blood later and she is done.  Nothing fancy, no big deal.  I ask, why didn't they other place have that you do?  I get a shrug and a bit of an annoyed look with an explanation that they get this often from that place.  Guess I found my new place to go.  Though two pricks and bruise after, not sure I care about that  Now I wait for results.

I just took, my last pill today and will be going to the doctor on Tuesday to see if my ovaries are responding correctly. I am hoping that I can go at my appointment time and not get told it needs to be changed.  I am a bit nervous, but I am trying to not dwell on what might happen.  I hope and I pray that everything is responding the correct way and we can take the next step forward.

This week has been long and filled with lots of activity and little rest.  Today I am taking a day to rest.  I sat in bed most of the morning vegging out to some movies.  I love the ability to easily move the laptop around.  Today I am writing to you in the comfort of the sun, with my little Hutch stretched out beside me.  It is a lovely feeling.  Soon summer will be here in lovely California and it will be too hot to do this, so I am going to enjoy this while I can.  I plan on reading a new book that I borrowed for the rest of the afternoon.  Elixir by Hilary Duff (yes the actress from the Lizzie McGuire Series)  I have read mixed reviews on it, and was not going to read it because I thought it might be a bit young, but I have decided to take a chance.  I have read up on Hilary Duff and it appears she is actual become a mature young adult.  I hope to find this a good read.  I will let you know.