Surrounded Yet Alone

Things have been so busy lately.  I've been busy visiting with family and friends.  I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone.  I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting.  I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling.  It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable.  Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all.  It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do.  It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.

For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing.  I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem.  Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child.  Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times.  Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend).  Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this.  The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up.  It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.

In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again.  Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make.  All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.

I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling.  I'm being left behind by everyone.  We are the odd one even for the odd ones.  We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world.  We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child.  I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets.  It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement  a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now?  I just don't know.  I'm being left behind.  We are not trying and we have no child.  I just don't fit in.

So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone.  I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again.  This is so true.  I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us.  Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time.  Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares.  In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility.  For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place.  He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.

So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life.  Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore.  Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies.  I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home.  My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife.  Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all.  The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.

Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.  

Prayers for a Friend

My dear friend @EndoJourney who got pregnant with IVF after a ruptured ectopic from IUI, was admitted to hospital a few days ago for preterm labor.  Her doctors have been working diligently to stop.  Tuesday evening her water broke.  I still haven't heard any more news from her.  She is only 23 weeks, just 5 days short of 24 weeks and viability.  Please pray for her.  Send her some love on twitter and her blog.

She is an amazing lady and her pregnancy has been filled with lots of dangers and worry (you can catch up on her blog).  Please pray for her.  Her and her little boy need it.  Pray for her doctors to do the right things, for her husband who must be struggling knowing he can't do anything to help.  Pray for her family as they sit and wait and worry.  Pray for that little miracle boy, MB who is being born too early.  Pray for a miracle that only God can provide.

Thank you all for praying for this dear friend of mine.

Dear Babies

I find it hard to believe that I sit here a mother to 6 perfect babies, but I remain childless.  How I miss each and every one of you.  I wish I could have met you.  I wish I could have held you in my arm, but I keep you in my heart forever.  I hate that you never got to experience this world.  Which one of you would have followed in daddy's footsteps and become a computer genius?  Would one of you be a musician or a photographer like me?

My own dear mother was taken away from me far too early.  When I would think of my future I was always sad that my mother would never get to meet her grandchildren.  I guess God took you all home for her.  Now she gets to spend her time with you.

My dear sweet children I love you all so much. No day will ever pass without thoughts of you.  I know in time the pain and aching in my heart will get better, but you will always be remembered and cherished.  One day we all will meet again.

I love you all.

I know you each by name now.  You are my children and will be forever loved,.  

2 Babies and 1 Tube Gone

Wow, since my last post my world has completely changed. I feel as though it's shattered and honestly I'm not really sure why.

Early Friday morning I woke up with my left side on fire.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk.  I was sick and would have rather died then endure that pain again.  I was rushed to ER and called my dr.  Our assumption was that once again the rise in my HCG had agitated my endo.  We were in for a big a surprise.  The ultrasound showed a huge pool of blood hanging around my ovaries, filling my uterus and just all around.  We are not exactly sure what was going on but it was necessary to get in there and find out.

I was rushed off to surgery after a quick call to my husband who was thankfully coming home from an out of town business trip.  Once inside they discovered that I had two sacs.  One baby had made it to my uterus, but it quickly died and not much growth had happened.  The other stayed in my left tube, but was thriving.  Everything was removed along with my tube because it was too damaged.

My doctor felt horrible and has been apologizing to me non stop it seems.  My beta was so low that we never suspected any problems.  He believes that I've got some sort of blood concentration issue that is not giving us proper readings.  He said he has suspected this in my last couple of pregnancies.  He feels like it is his fault this happened.  I don't believe that, I just believe that it's our destiny.

I have been struggling with this who process.  I somehow feel this is all my fault.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I pushed my desire for children.  We did the last cycle knowing that our odds were no better.  I just wasn't willing to give up the dream.  I caused this.  It's my fault.

In a few weeks I've got to begin more testing.  My doctor wants to find out what is going on and why my numbers were off.  As far as trying to conceive goes it will change nothing, we are just doing this to make sure there is no bigger issue that we need to take care of.  I'm a little nervous about that.  My doctor never really shows fear, but he seemed a bit worried about my messed up levels.  I'm hoping it's just because he feels bad for missing it and giving us this unexpected situation.

I'm not feeling well at all.  I lost a lot of blood and it's taking time to replenish.  I've felt this huge weight that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I know I've got to soon face the reality of losing two more children and I've got to accept the reality that we will never have our biological children, and very possibly never have any. 

Secret Cycle + Pregnancy = Our New Future

Decisions, testing, waiting, and more decisions.  I feel that this is all my life has been for the past few weeks.  I've been struggling.  I have had a hard time knowing what choice to make.  I haven't felt at peace about any of our options since my lap.  I've had my doctor with all his medical advice, family and friends have had their say, and then that leaves me and my husband.  I know our choice and our feelings are what matters.  I think for me the most challenging part has been the lack of time we have had to make our choices.  I've felt rushed to make a choice and so I've been unable to feel they are the right choice.

My last post we left of not knowing what we were going to do. Well we did make a choice. We decided to try again. We knew before we made anymore choices we needed to do this. We needed to try at least once after my lap. The minute I started taking the medications I felt bad. In the pit of my stomach I didn't have peace. Hope was completely gone, but it was so much worse than that.  I wasn't even dreading the worst.  I had just given up.  I didn't care what happened anymore.  If it worked and I got pregnant I wouldn't have been able to find joy.  I would be spending each day worried.  Each symptom or lack of symptom would always have me on edge wondering if this was the baby to stay.  If it didn't work and we didn't end up pregnant then I would be sad and I would fight with feelings of being a failure, even though I know I shouldn't.  Can you see my problem, now?  I felt screwed either way.

I went in for my last scan, having no symptoms to encourage me that we had any follies or that my ovaries were waking up.  One of my incisions had become infected and I just wanted to go home and not bother seeing on that screen how my body cannot do anything right.  Yet I pressed on.  My scan was a huge surprise.  It seemed that our new medication was helping.  I had two follies ready for trigger, not just that, but they were the best sizes I've ever had.  This could be our cycle.  Nothing has ever looked so good.

That night we trigger and began the waiting.  We decided it was time to make choices while we were not stuck in the sadness of a BFN or while dealing with the worry a BFP would bring.  We decided that since I had enough gonal left for another cycle we would do one more if we got a BFN. Clearly if we got a BFP we wouldn't need to try again (at least not until we wanted child #2).  What did we do though if the BFP still didn't bring us home a child?  We decided at that point we would stop trying.  We would be sad, but have to know that we had tried everything we could.

In this time my husband learned he had to leave for a work trip, the day after we officially know if I was pregnant or not.  I lost all hope I had at this point.  Every time my husband has left while I was pregnant things have always turned bad.  I guess I should say hope was lost, it just changed directions.  I was hoping for a BFN.  My husband and I decided we were going to track and test a lot this cycle.  Just in case we saw red flags about a second cycle.  I POAS until my trigger disappeared, then waited a few days.  I tested again, and got a faint line.  I have to admit, it was early to have any sort of a line, so I was hopeful, yet scared out of my mind.  For a couple days that line grew just a bit darker.  This was good.

Then the red blood started on Saturday, my official day, which still had a positive.  All I could do was wait, but by that evening all bleeding and spotting had stopped.  This is a good sign, the previous bleeding could be the normal implantation bleeding that is very common.  The next morning my line was lighter, on the same brand test.  My spotting increased, but was brown which is the safe color.  I dropped my husband off to leave for the week.  I could see the worry on his face.  He struggled having to leave again, but even if he stayed here nothing would change whatever was happening.  To make a long story short, I had a blood test and my beta which should have been at least 50 was 19.  From the test I took it was clear it was lowering not rising.  I know you are all surprised, huh?  Another lost child, I'm sure you're sick of reading about it.  I'm tired of writing it.

We are now done.  I got to talk to Dr. S today who has actually now told me that he wouldn't suggest IVF for us, but would instead suggest surrogacy.  Dr. S saying this just made me know that this was the right choice for us.  Our end had come.  My emotions have been a bit all over the place.  I've been mostly numb to it all, until tonight.  I am so grateful for FaceTime, so I could still see my husband when he's gone, but it was so hard seeing the look he got.  It's killing him that he's so far away.  Now that it time that I should be sleeping it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.  We will never have a biological child.  We will never hear a heart beating within my womb.  We will never get to marvel at the tiny feet kicking and pushing.   It's ended and it's time to move on.  I will never have anybody in my family who is actually related to me.

It's time to move on.  I'm not sure what that is, but it's what we need to do.  I want to say that I'll be a mother some day through adoption, but honestly I don't know what the plan is.  At this very moment I know better than to be naive and believe adoption will our future.  All I know is that right now we have shut the book, not the chapter, on having a baby and I'm letting the tears fall.

The Story of Isaiah

A small boy at just 20 months old is stumbling around our living room.  He loves playing with our dog, who is thrilled to finally have a child in our house.  Now that he's got walking down running is often being pursued, what young child would want to walk when they could run?  The cupboards and drawers have all had the child safety locks installed. Baby gates are closed to contain the curious little boy full of energy.  He calls out to daddy to watch him as he runs at the dog rolls around.

Isaiah stands rubbing the head of his dear sister, just a few days past 6 months.  He's trying to tell her to hurry and grow, he can't wait to teach her to play and to run.  Of course only a few of the words are fully understandable and sounds more like "oh hur-ee grow, tea-ch ploy an runnnnnnnnn!"  She looks up at her big brother and smiles, as far as she is concerned he is the greatest thing on earth.

He stands there looking up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, his brown curls outline his face, holding out his hand.  " I has owie!"  I bend down, and scoop up the son I love so much.  I pull his little finger, he's squashed with is own clumsy feet, up to my lips and plant a kiss, the healing kiss of a mother.  "Aw bwet-er!" With a bear hug, I let him down and he's off to explore.  

Cleaning and cooking has changed as there is always an eager helper standing by.  He's not always making things easier, but the joy and happiness he spreads outweighs it all.  The day comes to close with a story and bedtime prayers with daddy.  The last memory is always a hug and kiss from mommy and daddy as his eyes close in eagerness for a new day to come again.  

To my first son, Isaiah, who has been on my heart these last few days.  Some days I strongly wish that you were here.  I dream often of you.  I wanted so badly to see you sit upon your daddy's lap, to hear your little voice.  I never got to see you.  You were pulled from this earth way too early.  I've longed to hold you in my arms, but for now I hold you in my heart.  I'll see you someday and I'll hold you as well.  You've got some a little sister up there to watch out for, you also have two other siblings that I never got the chance to find out about, but I know you're taking care of them, just like your daddy would do with his brother and sister.  Love them, guide them, and hug them.  When you find it hard to watch your three younger siblings, my mom will come and she will hug you, and know that it comes from me.

Post-Op

I've been dragging my feet about sharing my post op.  Mostly because I just don't feel any better about any of this.  I'm so bummed that even after all this I can't find any hope.

Dr. S showed me my pictures of my messed up insides.  I had so many dark cyst it was crazy.  He showed me my poor left ovary.  It was covered in a mess of scar and endo tissue that has glued itself onto my bowel and pelvic wall.  He explained that this was probably what was causing all the "pulling" sensations.  After he had removed all the tissue he added a weird mess device around the ovary to hopefully prevent it from reattaching while healing. The device is suppose to dissolve, in fact should be gone now.  That does worry me a bit, because what will prevent it now since most of us all know that endo doesn't stop growing just because of a lap.  We also know that I won't just magically stop having cyst rupturing.   My tubes looked great, which was a relief.  It was nice to know that the on tubal ectopic I had was just a random fluke and not because of my tubes being destroyed my endo.

My uterus was different story.  Dr. S told me that there was barely a spot in my uterus that was not covered in endo or adeno.  Crazy.  It's been no wonder I've felt so terrible and had so much bleeding.  He removed as much and as deep as he could, but he was trying to be careful because while removing it is good, it does also create more scar tissue, which just provide a welcome mat to growing endo.

That really all he did. It was good, but I don't feel it was enough.  He didn't search outside of these areas, which I know shouldn't effect my infertility, but I'm thinking about my quality of life as well.  I know in my other surgeries Dr. N had looked everywhere and had found stuff on my bowels, stomach and intestines.  I have no doubt I have some back, but I don't think that was taken care of.  I know I pursued this surgery in hopes of helping us in having a child, but I did also want to have some time of feeling better, and now I'm sure that is going to happen.

Dr. S went on to explain that he thinks that I'm still no ovulating.  I was like um, how is that possible?  Clearly I have since I've been pregnant.  He then went on to explain that yes technically I've been ovulating, but they have been chemical/clinical pregnancies, which basically means that while we had implantation issues, we also may not have had fully mature eggs.  This confused me because all my follies have been of good size.  He went on to explain that when monitoring everything is guess work.  He said that while I've had good follie sizes there may not be an egg, or a good egg inside.  My body is going through the motions of getting pregnant, my HCG raises, and I've even had a sac, but other then our first, we are not sure that anything was really there, or at least anything truly viable.

Well this was a lot to process.  It made me feel like the children we lost were suddenly nothing.  I felt like I shouldn't feel sad for them.  I know that's not true.  I know the chemical doesn't mean there wasn't something there, but it makes me feel like the loss of them is suddenly less important.  This in itself was a lot to take in.  I'm still trying to process what this all means.  How am I suppose to have hope that things could work now, when really nothing has truly gotten better?

Dr. S is ready to rush forward with trying again.  I was on birth control before and after surgery.  Today is suppose to be my last pill . Then I am suppose to wait for AF and start with my base scan.  I've been spotting/light flow since my surgery so I know it won't take long for AF to show.  Once the base scan clears me of cyst I am suppose to start 5 days of fermera, a oral pill normal used to treat breast cancer, but in different dosage is good for treating endo, or helping to stimulate the ovaries.  Once that is complete I'll start gonal injections, and start monitoring with ultrasounds and blood work.  Our hope is that with the blood work we can have a better idea if I'm really ovulating or not, or if it's good quality or not.  The idea is to do this cycle, get results, and depending on what happens, repeat one more time.

The crazy part is that he only wants us to do this 2, maybe 3 more times and then go straight into IVF, he doesn't want us to waste time with an IUI because he doesn't feel it would help, since it's not a male factor at all, it's an ovulation and implantation issue.  I haven't been able to share fully with this doctor that my husband and I are not really for IVF, but I have to say, now that we've made it to this point where IVF looks like it may be our only hope, I'm wavering in that choice.  I even sense that my husband is. Money may be the deciding factor anyway, but I'm not sure what to do. Dr. S holds more hope with IVF because we can actually see quality, and know that it's got a real chance of survival, but then there is still implantation to content with.  Though with being freshly cleaned out there is some hope that it could happen.

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.  I've been stuck in this weird funk.  I haven't wanted to go hang out with anybody, it doesn't help that my friends around me all have kids and, while they try, completely fail at understanding.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't yet feel recovered from my surgery, but I'm suppose to be deciding if we start the journey of TTC again.  We haven't decided if we want to try, or wait another month.  This means more time for endo to grow, more time to lose even more eggs.  It means that we have more time to heal from our last loss, my surgery, and time to think and make more knowledgeable choice. We have until tomorrow evening to make a choice.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my peace, and I have no idea what to do, what to think, or what to feel.  Why does the journey for children have to be so hard, why are the the most undeserving incompetent people able to so easily conceive and birth healthy babies?  I'm angry, sad, and so tired.  I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm happy all the time.

The Date is Set

I'm not sure why I've been putting off updating and letting you all know that my surgery date has been set.  There is no real reason.  The only thing is that I've been busy trying to clean house, get ready for a garage sale, get frozen dinner prepared for recovery, and rest because I've been exhausted.  The garage sale won't be happening until after my surgery, but I need to be ready for it, and won't be able to do much.

My surgery date is July 20!  Friday the 13 is my pre-op.  Not sure if I should be worried or superstitious about that day, but for now I'll hope it means good things to come.  My husband has take the 20-29 off of work.  I'm really glad he will be around for everything, to help during recovery as well.

I'm trying to get a lot of things done before my surgery to make it easy for him.  This is his only vacation this year, and he's spending it taking care of me.  I want to make it as easy for him as possible so I've set goals.  My goal is to deep clean the house completely, to have everything that we sale at his parent's garage sale set aside, and to have easy meals he can pull out of the freezer and set in the oven or cock pot and not have the think.

It's funny.  I've had some friends tell me to make him do the cooking, but he only BBQ's, so I don't think I want learning while I'm on almost bed rest, and like I said, this is his vacation time.  We've even played around with the idea of going to the beach for a night, or up to our old camp for a few days.  We've been wanting to go, my husband has really wanted to go volunteer some time, but we know we were going to have a surgery to work around, and my brother from Seattle is planning to come with his 3 kids, so his vacation time has had to be worked around them.  We are not sure, because we don't know how I'll feel.  My husband thinks I won't be up to, but I think I'll be fine.  If we go up there, I won't have to cook.  My in-laws will take care of my dog. All I need to be able to do is walk, which should be able to do, even if it's slowly.  I may just have to take an hour to walk to a meal, instead of 10 minutes, but I'll take that.  It would be nice little getaway for us, and this may be our only chance.  My brother is coming in august, and hub's will not have a lot of vacation time left, so the days he takes off will be like a  Friday and/or Monday with a weekend in between to utilize the time well.  I'm looking forward to my brother coming.  I only see him about once a year (which is more than my other two, which is never) and the last time I saw his kids he only had the oldest twins, who were about 14 months, and didn't have his youngest girl.  He will also be bringing his girlfriend, who I only had a short meal with once, so I'm looking forward to getting to know the girl who has helped him to love again after the lies and hurt his ex-wife put him through.

I've been busy in this yuck heat trying to get everything ready.  My meals has been pretty easy.  When I cook dinner, I know just double everything, and easy have leftovers to freeze.  As I dish them up to be frozen, I write out the directions for cooking and put them on the dish for easy reference.  It should be fool proof (knock on wood!)  Now that my pre-op is not too far away I've started to get a little jittery feeling.  I just need to keep distracting myself.  The date is set!

Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.  

Beta is 2

Today's blood test came in, and beta is at 2.  This is a good thing.  It means my mtx. shot has done it's job,or my body has, or whatever the hell it was, it's done.  I'm no longer pregnant is what it means.  It means that baby number 4 is no longer with me.

It means that my slowed bleeding should end soon.  It means that now I can grieve for the lost child.  I've been feeling so strange with this loss.  It's been hard to process it.  It never felt real.  I barely had a moment to enjoy being pregnant.  From day one things looked like they were falling apart.  I couldn't allow myself a moment of grief because I had to take care of myself physically.  Thanks to my blood loss and the mtx. shot, I still feel shitty.  I'm dizzy, I'm nauseated, and I"m in pain.  The danger is gone.

The danger is gone; meaning, I'm allowed to feel for the loss.  When I received that call, I was hoping to hear that my beta had dropped significantly.  I was hoping for it, but I had not braced myself for it.  It was amazing how quickly that pain and sorrow entered my heart at those words.  The tears have not stopped falling since that call, yet I feel better than I have in days.  I needed closure.  I needed to feel this loss, I needed to grieve.

It's in my grief that I'm reminded of how amazing my husband is.  It's in my grief that I remember I do have a God that loves me.  I don't know how, but I do know I'll be okay because of those two facts.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm incomplete, but I'll be okay.  It's been a long time since I have felt this way.  I can't say I believe that I will ever get to hold a child in my womb and my arms, but I'll be okay.