tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92191589276391446532024-03-06T11:09:37.088-08:00Beginning To Endo...Dealing with Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, low ovarian reserve, and a hostile uterus. Struggling to maintain a normal life while taking this journey. Putting my trust in God and hoping my writing can help others in similar positions.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-87112944260949688872014-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:002014-09-08T00:00:55.560-07:00Labor and Delivery (part 2)I'm going to back up just a bit from where I ended off on <a href="http://thebegingingofendometriosis.blogspot.com/2014/09/labor-and-birth-part-1.html" target="_blank">part 1</a>...<br />
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When I finally decided to call the on call doctor I found out that it was Dr. W, of all the doctors in the clinic this was the only 1 I did not want to deliver my baby. I had a bad experience with him at my first OB appointment and again later when I had a kidney infection and a yeast infection later after that. He was also on call the night I had my scare that Sam was coming early (around 30 weeks). This dr pretty much ignored my history and acted like I was a freak who was just overly paranoid for no reason. If I had used him solely throughout my pregnancy then I may not have made it to 36 weeks. He didn't believe SPD was a real thing or that endo could cause any damage or pre-term labor issues, even though I had a history of loss and one thing we knew was that in some of those early losses my body had been going through labor before the baby's heart had stopped so they were not bad eggs. <br />
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We finally got seen around 4:30 and by 5 it was confirmed I was in labor. Getting my IV in somehow was a pain. I blame the nurse doing it because if you were to see my white arms you would clearly see my veins. I ended up with the IV in my right hand, Not on ideal place, but whatever, to me at this point that was minor and I had no idea that this was going to be the better part of my delivery care.<br />
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The hospital was running on skeleton crew and we only had 1 nurse the entire time. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and/or any pain meds. I had decided long ago that if I ever made it to delivery I was totally ok with meds because I've dealt endo and miscarriages that if I had the chance I would take some relief. There was only one anesthesiologist in the hospital at the time and he was taking care of a c-sect patient but would be there after. I was ok with that, at the time I was only dilated to a 2, so I had time. It was 5 o'clock or so and I was gritting though all my contractions that were quickly becoming very close together and longer and more painful. I was sending out texts to those that needed them and updating my FB and twitter people! The nurse was in and out of the room running around and getting things ready. I had not yet seen my doctor. Around 6:30 she checked me again and was surprised I was already dilated to 6. She told me the anesthesiologist would be here next and I was grateful. My SPD was becoming very painful, more so then the contractions. I asked her about my SPD and if Dr. W wanted to evaluate it, but she said no he wasn't worried about it (yep, he didn't care to look at my chart to see what Dr. H had updated about it). I asked when I was going to see the dr, and was told this was my first so we had plenty of time, he wasn't even at the hospital yet. At this point I was hit with another contraction so I was focused on my breathing and nothing more, though I was livid about what she said. In the middle of the contraction my nurse got a call and informed me that there was an ER situation and the anesthesiologist would be a bit longer and then asked if I wanted [some pain med I don't remember]. I said yes. She left the room once again.<br />
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My thoughts were going a million miles an hour. Hadn't we just gone over my history on my arrival, sure this was my first live birth, but not the first time my body had been through labor. So my body didn't need to learn what to do. She came in w/ some pain meds just as another cntx hit. The meds helped just a tad, but not much and she finally checked me. I was at an 8. Once again she said this was my first so it would take awhile. At this point I don't think I got more than about 20 sec. breaks between my cntx (my husband said I had one last for at least 8 min). I had completely lost track of time and had no idea how much time had passed, but if I was at an 8 already it seemed it wouldn't be much longer. I was getting anxious for the dr. to come in and evaluate my SPD. Finally the anesthesiologist walked in and asked if I still wanted an epidural. Yes please! My husband helped sit me up and I was given clear instructions that even if a contraction came I had to stay still. I couldn't even get up bc I could feel my baby coming. I told the nurse who pretty much acted like I was just a freaked out wimpy women who had no idea what was going on in delivery. Boy was she surprised when I was fully dilated and it was time to push. Reminder I still hadn't seen the dr. She once again told me that it was ok, it was my first so we had time. <br />
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I begun the process of pushing. Pushing felt so much better! Then suddenly she told me to stop pushing (um, what?!). She then left the room. UM???? WHAT????!!! I was fighting with almost nonstop contractions and a baby who was determined to come out. The nurse came back in and told me that the dr. was on his way and not to push when when it felt like I needed to. Do you know how hard it is to stop your body from pushing out a baby that is determined to enter the world? Its not possible I tell you. Finally crappy Dr. W walked in. The first time I had seen him.He slowly stood putting on his gloves and gown while he also told me its ok this is your first it will take lots of pushing. He instructed me to push at my next contraction which had just arrived, so I pushed. He was still putting his arm into his gown about 4 feet away from me when I said "the baby is coming!" (even though I had said it before but was ignored) and sure enough that last push got my baby out and the dr had to leap forward to catch my baby. My husband next to me was ready to jump in when he saw what was happening. 8:59 AM was announced and I was shocked that so much time had passed, it had felt as though it had only been an hour at most. <br />
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In that moment I didn't care about the crappy care I got, or was getting as he delivered my placenta, I was just so in awe that our baby girl was here and she was healthy. I sent my husband to the baby to.get pictures while my placenta was delivered. He reached out to her and she grasped his finger in her little hand and she was officially wrapped around his finger!<br />
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Dr. W informed me that I did tear, but it was a good healthy tear and would heal on it's own and needed no stitches (the truth of that to come later). He then left. My nurse actually did do great post delivery care and for that I am grateful. She really was a good nurse. I tried to remind myself that it wasn't her fault my dr. was crappy or that the hospital was working with skeleton crew. My biggest complaint for her was the lack of remembering my history and so saying insensitive things and for not believing me each time I told her to check me. Even though every time she checked I had almost doubled my dilation so when I said baby was coming no matter what I did she should have believed me that I knew my body. <br />
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I got to spend time doing skin to skin with my baby girl and attempting our first nursing sessions. It was a glorious time that I treasure so much. All that crap I dealt with to get to that point was totally worth it. <br />
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The nurse helped clean me up. I complained about how hard it was to walk but told it was normal and would heal quickly as my hips and pelvic joint goes back together. Baby Samantha and I were bundled up and sent off to postpartum care. The end the nightmare was over and the best was to come. I was blissfully unaware of the issues to come from such a fast delivery and lack of real medical concern to me. My husband and I were, for the moment, just enjoying our sweet baby girl. <iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-40694027263996130622014-09-06T23:48:00.001-07:002014-09-06T23:49:45.559-07:00Labor and Birth (part 1)I know it's been awhile since I have posted and I apologize. It has taken me awhile to decide what to do about Samantha's birth story. I had convinced myself that since both of us were okay that I had no place to share any negative feelings about my experience. After dealing with infertility for so long I lived in this bubble believing that if everything was okay and healthy that I was not allowed to complain about anything or share my real thoughts because I just needed to shut up and be grateful. I will say that even though labor and birth were not ideal I am so incredibly thankful for my dear baby girl and that all of it was so worth having my healthy baby with us. That being said here is our story...<br />
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Friday, Jan. 10, 2014 started out fairly normal. I woke up feeling a bit off, but I had been for awhile now. I had been more ill feeling since she had dropped. I had made it to 36 weeks so I was slowly upping my activity level since it was now safe if I delivered. I had a doctor appointment to get ready for and after that I would be going in every week until I delivered! I was so amazed and grateful as I got ready. While taking a shower I realized something was a bit different feeling and come to find out I had lost that mucus plug. I had been slowly losing it for awhile now, but I knew this time was the real thing. I still wasn't too worried because it can awhile before delivery. <br />
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My dr. app. went well. I was dilated to 1cm, so barely anything to think too much about. I was coming back earlier the next week on wed so we would talk more about my birth plan. I had severe SPD and my endo and adeno had done a lot of damage to my uterus before getting pregnant that we needed to talk about my options. There was a huge risk that if I delivered my relaxin could overproduce and I could end up with a huge issue in my pelvic joint and end up with<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diastasis_symphysis_pubis" target="_blank"> DSP</a>. At my next appointment my dr wanted to evaluate my gap and see what he thought. If it was worse then we would be scheduling a c-sect. It was not my ideal birthing plan, but I also didn't want to end up having my pelvic bones screwed together! I was sent off and told to keep being careful because my dr still wanted Samantha to cook another week!<br />
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I joined a friend for lunch. I was feeling pretty off and uncomfortable, but I decided it was just the end of pregnancy discomforts and continued my day as planned, which only meant one quick stop before heading home and relaxing. My husband got off work and I was feeling worse and worse, but still I only figured it was normal and didn't say anything (IF really made me unable to express discomforts much). We went to bed fairly early that night. I kept feeling worse and worse and spent the next few hours tossing and turning. I finally got up around 1 AM to use the restroom. I stood up, washed my hands after and started to walk back to bed when I was hit with a coughing fit (oh did I mention I had just gotten over a small lung infection of some sort and has fighting with that?) and had fluid running down my leg, still I didn't think much of it, I was pregnant and had a baby sitting on my bladder after all. It wasn't a lot, so I continued walking to bed, more fluid fell. Well that's kind of strange I thought. I stood still and just waited, but nothing else happened, so I went and got some rags to clean up the small puddle shaking my head in shame at my inability to hold my bladder after I had just gone pee! I was so uncomfortable I couldn't deal with just laying in bed and by now my thoughts were racing, what if that was my water breaking? No, I thought, they always say you'll know when it happens. I got up took a shower (yes I took a shower) and then paced around the house. My discomfort got worse (I had been having contractions, not braxton hicks, since about 30 weeks) and I realized my normal contractions were increasing in time and in strength. At 3 AM I decided I needed to call the doctor and wake up my husband. I walked back to my room to get my phone and wake up my groggy husband. I woke him up saying "I think I'm in labor." He was so confused by my use of think that thankfully he was awake and alert quickly. I called and was told to come in and get checked out. My husband asked how much time we had, and my contractions didn't feel that bad to me and I was about 7-8 min. apart so I told him we weren't in a rush. He got up and took a shower and then loaded up the car. By this time I was pretty sure I was in labor. By the time we made it to the hospital I was about 3-4 min. apart. <br />
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It was a long wait, but by about 5 AM we were finally being seen. We hadn't called or texted anybody yet since I was unsure if I was in labor and Steven's parents were up at the cabin. We didn't want anybody traveling down for a false alarm. Finally we were told that yes my water had for sure broken, though by then I knew that. We sent out all the alerts we needed to, texted, called, FB, twitter were now all aware I was in labor. I was only dilated to 2 cm so we still had a long ways to go, or so we thought....<br />
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part 2 to come later!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-28535457050262856422014-02-27T15:42:00.000-08:002014-02-27T15:42:37.893-08:00She's HereOn Jan. 11, 2014 we welcomed out beautiful baby girl, Samantha Lynn into the word. It was all a quick process about 8 hours from when my water broke to when she came. My labor was an interesting story that honestly has some not so great moments, but the happy part is that she is here and she is safe and healthy. <br />
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The first couple weeks were a bit of challenge because Sam was still learning how to eat and she ended up going from 6lbs. 14 oz. to less than 6 lbs. At our last appointment, which was 3 weeks after birth she was up to 6 lbs. 13 oz, so she thankfully is getting this eating thing down! She still has her bad feedings, but they are becoming more and more rare.<br />
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Life is pretty good. I am completely exhausted, but totally loving it, despite the moments I have where I'm frustrated because I want more sleep. This last weekend we took our first trip with our daughter up to our old camp. It was so amazing to watch her with all the people we love up there. It was such a rush to watch her be held and cuddled by the parents and children I once stole cuddles with!<br />
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Once I've gained a little more sleep and worked up my bravery I will be adding her birth story. I'm trying to decide how much I want to share and how open I want to be. My pregnancy was a lot more dangerous then I put out on here and my labor was good and safe, but had complications including a nurse and dr. who didn't truly listen to me and my dr. literally had to lunge forward to catch my daughter even after multiple warnings that she was coming and I couldn't stop her. For now I'm just happy we are all good and just enjoying my time with my little newborn while she is still small and cuddly. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-79364305126348832282014-01-04T14:47:00.001-08:002014-01-04T14:47:59.086-08:00Goal in Sight!I apologize for not blogging much. It's been weird to think about writing about my pregnancy. I've had mixed feelings on what to write. I haven't exactly had an easy pregnancy, but despite all that baby has been safe and that has been all that mattered to me. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining so I've just not written about what has gone on at all. I've realized that isn't right. I should be able to express and talk about what my experience has been like without fear of being seen as ungrateful. <br />
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My nausea has never settled, but thankfully I have been able to control the vomiting part. For that I am very grateful. I can deal with a queasy stomach but the massive vomiting episodes were very painful and I'm glad they ended, however they are now starting to come back. I will just appreciate the break I had and the fact that at least it's not every day. <br />
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A few days shy of 30 weeks I ended up in L&D because of bleeding & fluid loss. While all hooked up on everything I was informed I was also having contractions. Thanks to endo giving me a high pain tolerance I had no idea I was having any. Everything checked out ok. We still never got an answer to what the fluid or bleeding was, but I was sent home and put on a modified bed rest. This was shortly before my shower, so my poor husband had to rush around to get the house cleaned all while working full time and preparing for a work trip. <br />
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My shower was wonderful. I will admit I was saddened by the fact that a lot of people didn't come simply because they didn't want to make the trip. I had a lot of people who couldn't come because of work/sickness/other commitments and those were sad as well, but I can understand those reasons. I was very frustrated though that so many people simply didn't want to make the drive. The drive I have made many times for them for weddings/showers/bdays/graduations/visits/holidays. I've never asked people to drive to see me before, but for this once in a lifetime thing I asked and they just couldn't do it. The day of the shower came and I was able to easily let that disappointment go. I just focused on the fact that I was surrounded by friends and family who fully love me and my family and who fully appreciated the miracle that Samantha is. <br />
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I've had a lot of aches and pains, but rarely speak openly about them. I have this lovely <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphysis_pubis_dysfunction" target="_blank">SPD pain</a> that is getting unbearable if I were to be honest. My back spasms have been terrible and the contractions are getting to be very painful and I've been fighting with those for a long time now. I'm so bored with not being able to do much. I am grateful for my wonderful husband who has stepped up to help with the cooking. I originally had a goal to make meals ahead of time to freeze so that we had some easy meals after the baby comes, but sadly that is out the picture now. I was honestly worried about how we would deal with grocery shopping and food because my husband works many long hours, but somehow we are managing. Thankfully his boss is also being good and understanding and has not scheduled anymore trips. We still could use help with some cleaning and cooking, but I'm glad that for now it's at least good enough to not make my OCD brain go completely crazy. <br />
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Despite the pain I'm in I'm so happy that we've almost made it to our goal. Our goal was 36 weeks and I'll be there on Monday. I've lost my mucus plug today so I know that anything is possible, but I'm so glad that we've made it so far and that despite my body's many failures little Sweet Sam has held on and her stubbornness had kept her safe and sound! She our little fighter. <br />
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(I apologize because I will not be editing this post at all. I want to make sure I document everything, even the bad pain I may have) Below I am also adding some pictures from my shower, my 3D/4D u/s and my maternity shoot so feel free to exit out of this browser now. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigzCQ6mnbtoVZkDubBstieSrbGm6f9j-zcwLuyrJFKvCVCTqW44PogYYELn0BMm3Y6XpB4iLuG93uJOxdnT2ujZ989a_8yKECO645vJJvV6mxifs_nWmUPU1d_KURNAm7W-8MCPbQLz5dZ/s1600/_DSC0114.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigzCQ6mnbtoVZkDubBstieSrbGm6f9j-zcwLuyrJFKvCVCTqW44PogYYELn0BMm3Y6XpB4iLuG93uJOxdnT2ujZ989a_8yKECO645vJJvV6mxifs_nWmUPU1d_KURNAm7W-8MCPbQLz5dZ/s640/_DSC0114.jpg" width="640" /></a><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-FXyQ3kgfoXF8c1QYGU-rzacqt15BR5hN-Nb8EdFP9-qgmjtC5EvmCsTns_eWSgyCNwMzcpjadVpMhAi1gvXw9nxWqzEADY6YIDK9WCEC4oWszLs2jlM9f8kWmYRwxKslp7wk8r4E2DG6/s1600/_DSC0239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-FXyQ3kgfoXF8c1QYGU-rzacqt15BR5hN-Nb8EdFP9-qgmjtC5EvmCsTns_eWSgyCNwMzcpjadVpMhAi1gvXw9nxWqzEADY6YIDK9WCEC4oWszLs2jlM9f8kWmYRwxKslp7wk8r4E2DG6/s640/_DSC0239.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From my shower to celebrate our sweet Rainbow Baby!</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8qndTmjQ7iLz7uCZ0qiXQdRr3CPxOi1eXbMizH7BRQ_LpcQpFxC-OBsY3KEuBczRVJIPXMuHJELE_jB-8d2132eMYbR_mOYV3dXYFuyvIw2n7VdZdcAtmjvtQ7caiYH8PLBosCTW6OK2/s1600/GIRL_34.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8qndTmjQ7iLz7uCZ0qiXQdRr3CPxOi1eXbMizH7BRQ_LpcQpFxC-OBsY3KEuBczRVJIPXMuHJELE_jB-8d2132eMYbR_mOYV3dXYFuyvIw2n7VdZdcAtmjvtQ7caiYH8PLBosCTW6OK2/s400/GIRL_34.jpg" width="400" /></a><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAIUi0MytihC6JMzG9pHfx9CPqrWjOjYCO6_WxDD70EMHPyM-vMuO8PE5zkggH4LDO5wlXozyCW7hyphenhyphenqksvcUeGD4cgliMqdVNrCfZQof8owaALmrlkgGSXTMuIAXH6dRUDFsS7F97aumtw/s1600/GIRL_78.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAIUi0MytihC6JMzG9pHfx9CPqrWjOjYCO6_WxDD70EMHPyM-vMuO8PE5zkggH4LDO5wlXozyCW7hyphenhyphenqksvcUeGD4cgliMqdVNrCfZQof8owaALmrlkgGSXTMuIAXH6dRUDFsS7F97aumtw/s400/GIRL_78.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We spent at least 30 min trying to get her to move her hands, but she wouldn't have it. She wanted to keep her hands in front of her face.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuOWf2VpEOHyTfwtBT20Bkx_oa-CJrpi56HBLdobGilqfNMO55GyMASe-Vp22HOJmka5_OfouH6NUHVRtY3oPGgiZgoK0VZ-GNwZmq9td0HqyJNuez65bnA7twreAAzUGZ2XCiZvMsFXkq/s1600/1496534_10151932051364748_1112188703_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuOWf2VpEOHyTfwtBT20Bkx_oa-CJrpi56HBLdobGilqfNMO55GyMASe-Vp22HOJmka5_OfouH6NUHVRtY3oPGgiZgoK0VZ-GNwZmq9td0HqyJNuez65bnA7twreAAzUGZ2XCiZvMsFXkq/s640/1496534_10151932051364748_1112188703_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRrYsD_UJijXoKO1uuc_N1hpv5Y7-KCVDTs5pxVeH8kTUpalGnT0GTGC7A2Du-UULv5qCdw91zd4-CI1bLAls73683ch4RkOkOaFXDvZHQjeKAvy-5DC7SxgjwjAhvan8nTGu4o_752HI/s1600/1559394_10151928292629748_1459350639_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRrYsD_UJijXoKO1uuc_N1hpv5Y7-KCVDTs5pxVeH8kTUpalGnT0GTGC7A2Du-UULv5qCdw91zd4-CI1bLAls73683ch4RkOkOaFXDvZHQjeKAvy-5DC7SxgjwjAhvan8nTGu4o_752HI/s640/1559394_10151928292629748_1459350639_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyxbJUinm1b4VkbKnGU_ycU-3zy9KAQoSFv59HaoBGVYFLtbQR1VDAmd_JFic_caC1E3HnkFkq7P7lvyI4ww52xSnH1qsUfmOdca7gSjDzrwrF0_a6HjA-pKWZlFUwtZ5eu9dr6LArR9Li/s1600/syu4UJ9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyxbJUinm1b4VkbKnGU_ycU-3zy9KAQoSFv59HaoBGVYFLtbQR1VDAmd_JFic_caC1E3HnkFkq7P7lvyI4ww52xSnH1qsUfmOdca7gSjDzrwrF0_a6HjA-pKWZlFUwtZ5eu9dr6LArR9Li/s640/syu4UJ9.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi1dVVTTzjlhpl0du8hs3FKPUiou29hDdoh1KkPee5epwvhDdtP44RkfXRRTt8RWOIExAibSmvWpb_Yu5gNcMeUkp_aKw8nQa6JbuBuMoNMKv9VIWXN3FZ2Zv58j-rmlo2M-_uU7Vq9RjN/s1600/zPs6tX1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi1dVVTTzjlhpl0du8hs3FKPUiou29hDdoh1KkPee5epwvhDdtP44RkfXRRTt8RWOIExAibSmvWpb_Yu5gNcMeUkp_aKw8nQa6JbuBuMoNMKv9VIWXN3FZ2Zv58j-rmlo2M-_uU7Vq9RjN/s640/zPs6tX1.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From my maternity shoot. Bible verse holds a special meaning for me, not just for our current situation but bc I was adopted. We also used my mother's bible for that picture. She was the one that first showed me this verse and told me that even though I was carried in another women's womb, God knew who my true mother was while there and formed me for this family. <br />The last 2 pictures are to honor the children we lost. </td></tr>
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-30595139095718534962013-10-09T13:15:00.001-07:002013-10-09T13:15:40.275-07:00Almost to Viability<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWaQkgpSAmGUKFQzMM5fDH50wMk6q6eeM07wVUTjW9s7s45z9OzGLr55tCPbLK8p1WwzV0ZIKwuawRXkiPI-m8E57zZJUAPdR5Kz0DdlNj3wTVonQm_nC9oVAAnF_QLP5uTsC21KM3RrNK/s1600/Twitter+Annoucement!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWaQkgpSAmGUKFQzMM5fDH50wMk6q6eeM07wVUTjW9s7s45z9OzGLr55tCPbLK8p1WwzV0ZIKwuawRXkiPI-m8E57zZJUAPdR5Kz0DdlNj3wTVonQm_nC9oVAAnF_QLP5uTsC21KM3RrNK/s640/Twitter+Annoucement!.jpg" width="512" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We found out that we are having a...precious baby Girl!</td></tr>
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I've hit the 23 week mark and have less than a week to hit 24 week, the viability mark. Meaning if Baby Girl were to come into the world now she has a fighting chance at surviving and making it home. There would still be numerous medical issues to deal with so we would rather wait a longer time, but knowing that we hit that mark will be a huge relief. <br />
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Things are going well for the most part. I'm still suffering with sickness, but Baby Girl is not phased by it and growing well and that is all that matters. My pulled muscles are still suffering a bit so I need to be careful. They may not ever get a chance to fully heal as long as I'm still dealing with this sickness. We have been working on our new house and just painted it this last weekend. It has been hard to limit what I do to help out, but for this baby I will keep doing it. For me the hardest part has been when I find a job I can do without hurting us my FIL will tell me to stop. It's really sweet so I'm trying not to be angry, but basically I feel like he doesn't trust me not to put my baby in danger. I know what my restrictions are and I will not do anything to put this pregnancy at risk and I wish they would believe me. It would be better he works on the things I can't then to just do the silly, unimportant job I'm doing that can wait for us to move in. We are hoping to finish the bulk of the painting the next weekend. We just have baseboards, window sills, door frames, & closets left to paint. If we can get that done this weekend (which my husband thinks they will be able to) we will move in the next weekend. We won't be fully set up, but at least we will be living there and can slowly work on the extra stuff there that needs done, but not necessarily before we move in. I'll be glad of this because we can stop paying for 2 places!<br />
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For now I'm officially counting the day until we hit 24 weeks. This the mark we have given to people to be allowed to buy things for us and for us to make decisions about nursery. Once we hit the 24 weeks we can start getting ideas for the baby room! I have some ideas that have been floating around, but none that I will share yet. <br />
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I'm so grateful to be here and I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the support and prayers from my friends, family, and twitter family. Thank you all!<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-67113348755667452212013-09-04T17:23:00.000-07:002013-09-04T17:23:25.869-07:0017 weeks and BedrestBy some miracle this rainbow baby has been holding on. Other than being diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme nausea and vomiting) and a bladder/kidney infection things have been going well. My activity level was strictly limited to walking or swimming only, but at least I was able to still do a lot of stuff without any complications. <br />
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Last week right around the beginning of my 17th week I had a bad evening with my vomiting. My vomiting becomes very violent (thanks to my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclic_vomiting_syndrome" target="_blank">CVS</a>). After I had my episode things felt very off, my back and my stomach muscles hurt, not my normal stretching for endo pain, but not really anything crampy. I wasn't totally freaked, but I knew something was off. Thanks to my Doppler I knew baby was still doing great, so I waited a few days, but the pain became too bad and so I had to get checked out. <br />
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I was so nervous driving to get looked at, yet I somehow felt some peace. Thankfully once there they quickly confirmed that everything was fine with baby and so then we moved onto the problem. It turns out that thanks to my violent vomiting episode I pulled a muscle in my back and my abs. In most women this wouldn't even be a big deal, but because of my endo and the history of my stupid uterus wanting to contract and get rid of everything this could lead to early labor, so for now I'm on a modified bed rest regimen. I'm not allowed on my feet for more than 30 minutes daily. It's been frustrating, but for baby I'm willing to do anything, and thankfully my wonderful husband has been more than willing to help out. This weekend he did laundry, washed, dried, folded, and put away! He then washed dishes and emptied the trash. I had to ask him to do these chores, but he did them without complaints and did them well. <br />
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Hopefully my muscles will heal quickly and I can go back to my normal limited duty which will at least allow me to do some basic around the house. This will be very helpful because it is possible escrow is closing on Sept. 11 (oh yeah, surprise we are in escrow!) and we will be moving. It will be very hard for me to just sit and watch everybody else do all the work in our house also there is no way I want my husband organizing our new house!<br />
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I will try to do better at updating. That's it for now. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-67824986368125476832013-07-28T12:52:00.000-07:002013-07-28T12:52:03.603-07:00Wonderful News!I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've posted, I just wasn't in a place mentally to sit and write. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place and completely disorganized. <br />
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I'm happy to say that I'm in a much better place today and that is largely because of an amazing little miracle that has graced out lives.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx5sF8PnIulRB_haYSZyiOIHfwB5b8rkS0NEFf9pypOn14n5XNMadgIs8YYRflo73EkEqrtFvVy0Y__it9-GXsf2zqp4AzTC6vwEXIzzas0Qw6DU05gtBhYdiaGgcwHf4py5MUfWhWR-Ky/s1600/Announcement1FB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx5sF8PnIulRB_haYSZyiOIHfwB5b8rkS0NEFf9pypOn14n5XNMadgIs8YYRflo73EkEqrtFvVy0Y__it9-GXsf2zqp4AzTC6vwEXIzzas0Qw6DU05gtBhYdiaGgcwHf4py5MUfWhWR-Ky/s640/Announcement1FB.jpg" width="611" /></a></div>
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border-style: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-14218349492985327772013-04-21T00:33:00.002-07:002013-04-21T00:33:58.947-07:00I'm Not OkayRecovery was a long and painful process this time, problems with my mother-in-law didn't help. My husband we relying on her while he was away and she bailed and I was left to fend for myself. There was so much to process during this time, physically and emotionally. I had beat cancer and I was facing the reality of that, but also so grateful that those painful swollen ovary times would be finally done. Maybe it was possible to move on and dream about the possibility of being a homeowner and a mother through adoption. <br />
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As I recovered the weather warmed up and we hit spring time. I even managed to get outside a few times to shoot some fun pictures of the blossom's on my in-law's Almond trees. With spring come pollen and with pollen come allergies. <br />
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I won't take a lot of time or space filling up on this allergy time because I'm still healing from it and I'm still trying to process. My allergies got horrible and I ended up with a sinus infection and a lung infection which causes such bad coughing that I broke a rib. I ended up in the hospital with my O2 extremely low, my iron low and my glucose dangerously low. My heart rate and dropped significantly and I was on death's door. I can't even remember the trip to the ER and my husband tells me that I was taken back and started being treated before he even had me checked in and paperwork filled out. <br />
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I'm home now and recovering and other than being sore from my broken rib and still having sinus issues I'm doing much better. I'm afraid to hope I'm getting better. I'm afraid to leave my house and attempt to be normal. I suppose I have good reason because despite having my cancer gone my one remaining ovary is still having issues. This lead to blood work and testing again.<br />
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My hormones were way off, but my test results showed it was possible I might have ovulated and so begin a 2ww that I hadn't planned on. When my period was a day "late" I didn't think much of it, but after 4 days I decided it was time to POAS which was a BFN. No surprise really. Then 2 more days passed and I decided to test again, maybe it was still early, no surprise there, another BFN. When the end of the day arrived and still no sign of AF I begin to question the tests and hope that maybe they were just wrong, after all my HCG are never as high as they should be thanks for my messed up body. I decided to wait it out, but the next day my AF showed with a vengeance and I was devastated. Though I didn't know why I was. I felt nothing when my test were negative, but when AF showed I was broken.<br />
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To top it off my SIL decided it was time to invite me to her 3D ultrasound. I'm still waiting on responding to her message. I will decline I'm just dragging my feet about what reason to give her. I would tell her the truth, but I fear it won't be cared about and will only cause me more pain the next time her and my MIL forget about me. <br />
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All I know is I'm afraid of my body failing, I'm afraid I'll live a childless life forever, and I'm afraid my children will always be forgotten. I appreciate all the support I've had from my twitter family, but now that I'm healing they just like to remind me how strong I am and how happy they are that I'm okay, but the truth is...<br />
I'M NOT OKAY!<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border-style: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-62766861785074754562013-04-10T03:07:00.000-07:002013-04-10T03:07:05.014-07:00I have CancerHome after a long ordeal of having an ovary removed, infected, and finding out I have cancer. I was weak, sore, and sleeping away as much time as I could. It felt like I would never again be normal. I had scheduled testing, we needed to find out if this cancer was gone or if we still had a long journey. My husband would come home each day from work, bringing me dinner and hounding me to not overexert myself. He tried to make himself sound upbeat and usually in a teasing matter, but the worry on his face and in his voice were undisguisable. <br />
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I spent as much time as I could sleeping trying to pass the time until I would find out my fate. Was I about to endure a long battle of cancer or was I going to be able to heal from this surgery and move forward with finding a normal?<br />
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Test day arrived and it was long and tiring. I was poked like crazy, by body scanned and over all turned into a lab rat. Now I had to wait. With every phone call my heart beating fast wondering if this was the call. My husband came home with a questioning look on his face, and without saying a word he knew the call had not come, and so our routine of dinner and tv would begin in hopes of making time pass quickly, in hopes of keeping out mind quiet, in hopes of forget that we were waiting to find out what was our future. <br />
<br />
"You are cancer free my dear!" the only words I really remember in the long explanation that my doctor gave me in his phone call from his personal phone. It was over, I had beat cancer it didn't seem fair almost that it had disappeared so easily for me while it's stolen so many lives, but it was over I was going to be okay. When my husband walked through the door that evening I felt as though my heart would burst through my chest. I didn't realize how much he had aged during this time, but the man I saw come through that door was a young and happy man! The worry lines had disappeared and his eyes shone and sparkled. <br />
<br />
My husband was able to leave for his work turn relaxed and not worried about me. His parents had agreed to help out with the dog and with getting me food and he filled our fridge with easy to eat foods that would help keep my iron levels up since they were so low from the amount of blood I had lost. If only he knew that with in a few short days I would be mostly on my own and even have to drive out to get more pain meds because of a MIL who really didn't mean she was willing to help out. <br />
<br />
As I begin to feel a little better and gain a bit more energy the date of my mother's passing was approaching and it wasn't lost on me the irony that the anniversary of my mother losing her battle to brain tumor was shortly after I had just found out I beat it. I took that day to remember my amazing mother and to appreciate that I was coming out on the other end. Spring was approaching and it was time for new beginnings, and of course allergies, but that will come in the next post...<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-48909812043554597802013-04-08T14:41:00.000-07:002013-04-08T14:41:53.628-07:00Released and Rushed Back"I'm cleared to go, we are going!" I demand weakly to my husband after my doctor had cleared me to be discharged and to head up into the mountains for the weekend. I was under strict resting guidelines but I was allowed to go. I finally convinced my husband.<br />
<br />
The weekend went on like normal, I was tired and rested most of the time with some small easing walks. I didn't realize it and thought maybe my medicines were making me feel unwell, but suddenly my incision was bulging and puss was oozing out of the stitches. We called my doctor and made our way back to the hospital. <br />
<br />
Infection, I have an infection. "We need to reopen your incision and drain it." When I woke up again all I cared about was seeing my husband. I almost lost it when I saw him. Sitting in the chair next to my bed, one hand resting on top of mine, his head buried into his other hand. I squeezed his hand to try to communicate that I was okay. He looked up, his eyes searching mine for any sign that we might be finally done with this mess. "Get some sleep, you'll be staying overnight, no arguing" As I drifted back to sleep my only thought was <i>I'm too tired to argue."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
"We got the results back." My doctor said to us, his eyes telling much more than he was saying. "It was cancer. The good news is that we took a piece of your right ovary to test and it was clean." Left alone to process the news. I was afraid to look at my husband. Afraid that seeing his sad and worried eyes would make me fall apart. All he did was lift my hand to lips and planted a kiss. He kept my hand there for several seconds w/ his eyes closed before he gently pulled me into his arm (as best he could since I was hooked into an IV and monitors). "It's over" <br />
<br />
After being on a strong antibiotic and IV fluids and my fever going down I was allowed to go home. As my husband helped me to bed and kissed me goodnight he said in a soft sad voice "Please be home for good." And we both drifted off into a long deep slumber hand in hand and begin our journey to recover from this mess. <br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-55609239850132692722013-04-06T00:29:00.000-07:002013-04-06T00:29:42.744-07:00Rushing Into SurgeryThat night in the hospital was a horrible night. I felt like the longest night of my life and at the same time it all passed so quickly and can barely remember a thing. I remember having so much pain and pressure on my stomach, I remember seeing a huge bulging mass sticking out of my already massively fat stomach (thanks for nothing fertility meds!). I was throwing up every hour it seemed, though I honestly don't know how I could have managed to have anything left to lose. I was miserable. Finally after a late night/early morning draining, mix of morphine and anti-nausea meds I was able to get a little bit of sleep. <br />
<br />
"Yes, you have my permission, take out whatever you need to keep her okay!" I could hear in his voice a fear that I've never heard before. I could hear the tears that he rarely ever cries. In our entire relationship my dear husband has only cried twice and I've only seen it once. Once was when we were dating and I had a bad pain day and he literally carried me into my house. The next day he told me he felt so helpless and on his walk home, in the darkness of the night in the mountains he dropped to his knees and cried out for a way to take this pain away. Since this day he has told me that seeing me rushed off for emergency surgery was 100 times worse than that night. <br />
<br />
I was awake enough to hear this conversation. I remember willing myself to reach out and touch his hand, if I could just hold his hand for a second I know everything would be okay. My body failed to obey, it just wouldn't move, wouldn't respond, no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't work and my world begin to fade into darkness. <br />
<br />
When I woke up again I was confused. I looked around at surroundings trying to figure out what was going on, willing myself to think back to my last memory. That's when I remember my husband's voice. I let out a gasp feeling frantic to find my love when a nurse appeared at my side and calmly explained I had been rushed into surgery. She took my vitals and begin the transition into my room while reassuring me that I would see my husband soon.<br />
<br />
"They had to remove your left ovary and took part of your right. I'm so sorry babe, I had to let them." I gave him a small smile, reached for his hand "I love you, lets focus on that." So we sat (well I laid), hand in hand until I drifted off to sleep, content that for now we were still together and we were both okay. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-84585812529246933212013-04-05T16:38:00.001-07:002013-04-05T16:38:50.680-07:00Being AdmittedWhat to write? That is my problem. How do I put into words the events of this past month? I'm not even sure my brain has had the ability to fully process what all happened.<br />
<br />
It started off like any other day. I was taking a shower at the end of the day, feeling grateful that I had managed to walk my dog and clean the house. I was starting to feel that maybe I could recover from everything. That's when I noticed that my scar from my tubal removal was bulged out and sore to touch, like a dull achy bruised feeling, but there was no bruising. I thought it was odd, but didn't think to much about it. <br />
<br />
As I lay trying to sleep I was noticing more and more the pain I was developing on my side, by morning my slightly bulged area was now a golf ball sticking out of my fat gut. I called my dr and came in to be seen. If you remember, I've been fighting with enlarged ovaries and had been going to have them drained every other month or so.<br />
<br />
The appointment started out like all the rest, laying on that cold bed with the tech's eyes bulging at my now softball sized ovary. As he started moving the wand around to get measurements he noticed something odd where my tube should be (of course the tube is long gone) so he pulled Mr. Wandy over to get a better look. "oh that's not suppose to be there." This was not comforting to hear as the tech explained that I had a bunch of lose fluid floating around while he picked up the phone to page the doctor to come in. <br />
<br />
The rest of it was a blur, but in no time at all I was admitted into the hospital and I suppose I must have called my husband since he was sitting in the chair next to my husband. The doctor came in to explain what was going one. I had had blood testing upon being admitted and my hormone levels were way off. My estrogen had been floating around 700-800 in my last few test, but it was now 989 and progesterone was 2. I also had an elevated hcg, but it was very very low. Not even enough to be pregnant, and I knew it wasn't even possible to have been. It was just one more random number that made no sense. My ca-125 had been tested a few days before and it was also elevated at 47 normal is <35. I had my fluid drained (boy was I tired of having a needle stuck into me). I needed to stay for now because my reproductive organs were filling with fluid so quickly it was hard to keep up. It was decided that if I was still having issues the next day I was going to have to go in for surgery to at least take a biopsy of my ovary. We needed to get to the bottom of what was going on.<br />
<br />
The rest will come later. Sorry for the split post, it's the only way I'll be able to write this out. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-58119256771404322242013-02-16T02:35:00.000-08:002013-02-16T02:36:28.436-08:00Surrounded Yet AloneThings have been so busy lately. I've been busy visiting with family and friends. I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone. I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting. I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling. It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable. Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all. It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do. It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them. <br />
<br />
For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing. I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem. Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child. Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times. Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend). Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this. The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up. It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to. <br />
<br />
In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again. Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make. All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on. <br />
<br />
I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling. I'm being left behind by everyone. We are the odd one even for the odd ones. We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world. We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child. I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets. It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now? I just don't know. I'm being left behind. We are not trying and we have no child. I just don't fit in. <br />
<br />
So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone. I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought <i>I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again</i>. This is so true. I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us. Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time. Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares. In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility. For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place. He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now. <br />
<br />
So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life. Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore. Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies. I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home. My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife. Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all. The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all. <br />
<br />
Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten. <br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-77281726733637754752013-01-16T15:16:00.001-08:002013-01-16T15:16:44.157-08:00New YearThe new year has come and gone and I'm still stuck not knowing where I belong. I'm no longer TTC, I'm childless, and my body is failing apart so I rarely get to socialize. I'm stuck being around pregnant women; my friends, my family, everywhere. I struggle with wanting to stay away, but also not wanting IF to make me also lose my life and my friends. It's taken so much from me.<br />
<br />
I managed to make it through the gender reveal ultrasound for my sister-in-law. I have to admit though it's getting harder and harder to be around them. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it is. I'm stuck in this weird cycle of not wanting to be around them and upset that they can't think of our feeling for just 1 second, and then the next minute I'm mad at myself for letting IF take all the joy out of gaining another niece. <br />
<br />
My thoughts and feelings have been so all over the place I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking half the time, which is a huge part of why I haven't even written in so long. For now I just attempt to move on I guess. I'll be seeing my doctor soon and figuring out a game plan to try to control my pain, and hopefully that will help me have a clearer head. <br />
<br />
This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my brother that my Aunt passed away. She had no kids and her family had made her an outcast. She was very close with my mother though, they could have passed for twins. My brothers and I were her closest family. My oldest brother and I are trying to get everything squared away. Mostly my brother though since he lives near her. I live 2 states away and I'm still not allowed to travel much, so I'm going to be stuck here. <br />
<br />
That's all I have for now. No happy notes to speak of. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-41463002491400926922012-12-20T18:16:00.000-08:002012-12-20T18:17:10.590-08:00Not a Joyful ChristmasAs each day we get closer to Christmas I feel myself hating it more and more, and I hate that. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I remember the few years I got with my mother. My first Christmas with my family was when I was 5, just a month short of being 6. This really was my first real Christmas. <br />
<br />
My mother's joy at this time of the year was so catchy. I had been in foster homes and had so much sadness and abuse that I really didn't understand Christmas. All I knew is that sometimes it meant getting to go to church with my current foster family and maybe a few candy canes.<br />
<br />
It all started on Thanksgiving day. It was the day we started the Christmas songs. I remember helping my mom. Each of us kids (I had 3 brothers) had a job to do to help with the dinner, mine was the gravy (I really just stirred it at this stage). I stood on my stool over the stove stirring my gravy, while Nat King Cole and Bing Cosby sang Christmas songs in the background, and watched my mother shine with joy while she scurried around the kitchen singing along with the wonderful music. She filled our home and our lives with Joy. Even when all kids were old enough to to believe in Santa (which sadly I never got to) she still took time to put foot prints on the hearth of our fireplace, she would drop glitter and the carrots were always nibbled, and the milk and cookies always eaten.<br />
<br />
My last Christmas with my mother was when I was 11 and she was stuck in the hospital until Christmas Eve that year, yet even with that little set back her joy was still contagious. The staff all lit up when they were around her. The Christmases that followed were hard, but I was always determined to get the Joy of Christmas alive and to let the memories give me joy. <br />
<br />
Despite some tough years I've managed to keep that joy, but this year I'm failing. For the first time ever I am totally and completely dreading Christmas. No matter where I go it's going to be filled with pregnant bellies and babies. Not a soul will remember our struggle or our babies. I feel myself fearing that I'm going to have an outburst. Since my SIL announced her pregnancy I've hated being around my MIL, the family as well, but mostly just my MIL. I am not sure how much longer I can pretend that what she is doing doesn't hurt. I just don't understand how a women who dealt with infertility herself can so easily forget about us. I'm at a point where I don't give a damn if I say something to upset them. I've been holding my tongue for the benefit of my husband, who is much better at assuming the best in people. While he knows and is hurt by what his MIL is doing to us, but he also is assuming that it is not done on purpose. I can even believe that, but shouldn't she be aware of what she is doing? Am I wrong for being hurt that she doesn't acknowledge our lost children. Am I wrong and being over sensitive that the whole family seems to have forgotten out long battle with IF?<br />
<br />
I want to celebrate that baby, don't get me wrong. I already love that niece/nephew. Is it really necessary though to only carry conversation about the baby? Is it really important that most of the Christmas gifts are for the baby that isn't even born yet? I can understand my MIL's desire to get gifts for her grandchild, but does it have to be while we are all there at Christmas time? Isn't that what a shower is for, or just take them to her daughter's house. I think it is very insensitive to expect my husband and me to sit and watch while these gifts are opened. How can she so easily forget the pain of infertility. It's completely f***ed up and I'm tired of pretending it isn't. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure how I'll make through this Christmas. I'm trying with all my might to remember the joy of Christmas, but I don't know how I can when I feel that our battle and our children are blatantly ignored, forgotten, and uncared about. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-45111757093925810712012-12-20T02:35:00.000-08:002012-12-20T15:53:34.823-08:00Emotions Running Rampant<br />
I've tried to start this post many times and never could find the words. I couldn't hold myself together long enough to try to find them. I still don't think I can truly express what has gone on, or what I'm feeling. I ask that you bare with me while I make an attempt to tell you.<br />
<br />
I thought that I was done with the medical problems for awhile. I was taking a break from running test while my drs. did more research and we were done TTC. I had pain meds and I really thought that for the rest of the year I could just slide by and be semi alright with no new surprises Well I was wrong, which I should have known better that my body has it's own mind, not connected to mine, and will do whatever it feels like for absolutely no reason. <br />
<br />
One night a few weeks ago while spending quality time with my husband my back started to spasm. I had never felt this before. It wasn't like my normal back cramping I get with AF or even what I've had in labor during m/c. It wasn't a pulled muscle either. It felt like a charlie horse in my back. For the few seconds it lasted (maybe about 10 seconds) I couldn't move, could barely catch my breath from the pain I was in. It quickly past and didn't come back, or so I thought.<br />
<br />
A few days later I was hit with the spasm again. This wasn't a one time things this time. In about 5 minutes I had numerous spasms come and go, and throughout the next few days I had it all again. It kept getting worse and more frequent so I finally broke down and went to the doctor. Was told it could be kidney issues, low electrolyte issues, a new endo symptom, or I had hurt my back and didn't realize it. Since I was currently on AF (which made them even worse) we couldn't test to see if I had any blood in my urine. My dr. decided to do the easiest thing and prescribed me with a muscle relaxer and pain medicine. If it didn't get better with in a few days I would need to head back and do more testing. It seemed to be working and I was finally getting some sleep, but like all medicines my body got used to my meds and they no longer worked and my spasms came back with a vengeance. Wednesday I spent having a bunch of test done and now I wait with more powerful meds. <br />
<br />
Now during all this time my emotions have been haywire. I was feeling so many things I couldn't get control of them. I have 1 pregnant friend whose due date is just a week before my twins due date, my sister-in-law has a due date just 3 weeks behind my twins. My sister-in-law got married at the end of June and she is already 14 weeks pregnant. I just don't understand at all. I know I should be happy, that is going to my niece/nephew. Instead I'm hurting, I'm jealous, and I'm angry. I hate visiting with my in-laws now, even when my SIL and her family are not there. This is their first grand baby so it's all they talk about. I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies and I can't function anymore. I don't know how to look past my pain and be happy, which just makes me feel even worse. <br />
<br />
One evening after having dinner with my IL's I came home and broke down. Sadly my husband got the brunt end of it. I blew up at him at that moment because I thought I was just sad that we were not pregnant and that our dream was gone, but in yelling I realized it was so much more than that. I realized it isn't just sadness that I'm not pregnant and that I hurt to be around it, but that I have felt ever since we shared we were done TTC with our close friends and family that we are expected to no longer feel any sadness about our lost children or our infertility. I feel completely forgotten. My MIL talks about the upcoming baby and being so happy for her first grandbaby. She tells us we better ask for something big for Christmas this year because after Christmas everything is going to the baby. I see all their gifts under the tree and 90% of them are to the baby. I am mad that our babies have been forgotten. This isn't her first grandbaby, just the first one that will make it home. Other than the day we shared of our losses (which we have only told them about 2) nothing has been said. When we told them we had decided to stop TTC (which MIL tried to tell us what to do to keep trying) they have ignored us, written us off. We won't be providing grandchildren, it's my fault, so they don't bother with us. <br />
<br />
I don't feel it's anything I can bring up and share though because I feel that they would just think I was over dramatic/emotional, going into depression and need to be medicated. If I was completely honest with my feelings it would not go over well. I would be looked at as unable to move forward, as not being able to handle my grief or to be able to heal. That also frustrates me because part of healing is expressing. Holding it in will actually create more problems. Those that I do share; that I think about my babies, that I don't want them forgotten, think it's weird. They tell me it's time to move on.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, I know I need to move forward. I know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful about, and I have a hope that one day we will adopt and I will be a mother, but I will never ever forget about my babies. <br />
<br />
I'm dreading Christmas this year. I'm so tired of being forgotten, of my babies being ignored. I'm mad that our IF is not taken seriously and that my IL's are mad that I'm not going to ever be able to provide a bio child for their son. I know that I need to focus on my husband and how he feels. He is sad and hurting for the children we lost and for the children we will never have, but he never holds it against me. He has never once viewed this as my problem (even though it is my body). He has always shared this burden and we've taken the journey together with IF as our problem to face as one. <br />
<br />
I know that as time moves one I'll be able to get past this hurt and this anger, but it's going to make this Christmas season very difficult. I am just hoping and praying to make it through without any breakdown, or at least not until I'm home. <br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-30148582665598270372012-11-10T22:33:00.001-08:002012-11-10T22:33:06.616-08:00Being a Lab RatIt's been a long couple of weeks, of being poked, abused, and every last ounce of me examined, or so it seems.<br />
<br />
I had needles going in my arms, in my spine,and in my hip bone. I had MRI's and CT scans, and of course the numerous ultrasounds that seem like nothing now. I've had so much of my fluids drawn that I'm surprised I have any left. I've test I can't pronounce and test I never want to do again. My life has been spent being a lab rat. <br />
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Good news, I don't have cancer. Bad new, my doctors have no idea why my ovaries are enlarged, why I can't fight the simplest of infections, why I feel like I've been run over by a train 98% of the time, or why my migraines no longer respond to any medication. They have no idea what to test or what to give me to help me. Honestly I just want to be given an IV in my arm hooked up to a morphine drip and just left alone to sleep all the time. Instead I attempt to have a life. I try to go out with friends. Friends who have kids and are pregnant and talk to me about how tired they are and how unwell they feel. I have to sit there like a good friend and just take it when all I want to do is cuss them out and tell them the shut the H up! Yet I don't. Instead I tell them I'm sorry and ask if I can do anything to help. WTF is wrong with me?<br />
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I now spend much of my time wishing we have never begun TTC. My health was never great before, but now it's ruined. What did I do to myself, all because I couldn't let go of my desire to have a biological child. <br />
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I have no idea where I'm going from here. All I wish for are days that I can get out of bed. As long as I can force myself up I can at least pretend that I have friends and a life. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-60778098955673758522012-10-26T01:05:00.000-07:002012-10-26T01:05:32.155-07:00Enlarged OvariesThings have been hectic, yet I'm on bed rest so not sure why. Mostly I think I've just been avoiding everything, which takes lots of effort. My ovary issue is still messing up majorly. My doctor, or doctors actually, are at a loss. Things looked like they were improving, but they have acted up again. <br />
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Next week I will be undergoing a bunch of test. I'm a little nervous, but at the same time I'm not. I want this to end. I want to move on. There have been a lot of possibilities thrown around, from an auto-immune to cancer. It's funny, being told I might have cancer should scare me, but it doesn't. I also don't think that's what I have. I know that as of right now a lot of things are pointing in that direction, but I don't feel worried about it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was an auto-immune though. That can be easily dealt with. <br />
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The last few weeks have been emotional challenging. There seems to be pregnancy announcements everywhere. Whenever I hear of one it's always close to where I would have been and it stings. It feels like somebody has punched me in the chest and I can't catch my breath. It has always been painful and for each of my pregnancies I have at least one friend or family member with a baby close, but it hurts more this time. I know it's because we are done trying. We are moving on. We want to adopt someday, but we need to focus on buying a house and moving into a larger home so we can pass inspection. Each announcement not only holds the pain of remember the babies we didn't get to bring home, or of the years we have been trying, but now it's a reminder that we will never get to do that. We won't get to have any fun announcements, never get to have the moment of seeing our child born or watch their growth via ultrasound. We are done and it won't happen. <br />
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We finally shared with in-laws that we are done. I'm not even sure at this point how I feel about the whole thing. I do know I'm grateful for my husband because when his mother tried to push donor egg and surrogacy, he made it clear that it was a choice we already made, TOGETHER. We had already thought about every possible angle, and we were sure we were done. <br />
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Next week I will begin a long series of test. For now I just wait. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border-style: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-76417542528920099062012-10-14T00:10:00.000-07:002012-10-14T00:23:41.160-07:00Happy Birthday Rory TatumToday is coming to an end. It's been a good day. I got permission to leave my house and go to a surprise party that I've been helping to plan and run a photo booth for. My husband was amazing and helped and made it possible to go. He's now spending some time with his guy friends having a gaming party. I'll see him tomorrow and I'm glad he has good friends to hang out with, but I'm sad he's not here at this moment. It hit me hard that at midnight it is the EDD of my dear Rory. My first ectopic pregnancy, but my third lost child. It's very possible I would have already given birth, or would be still waiting, but today (clock just changed to 12) I remember Rory Tatum. <br />
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Rory I never meet you, I never held you in my arms, but I love you and I miss you. I wish I could be selfish and take you away from Heaven and bring you to this earth, but I can't. Why would you want to leave?<br />
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I find it ironic that Oct. 14 was your EDD and Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (the whole month actually is) and 7 PM many will be lighting their candles. I plan on lighting candles for my babies. Please share your pictures and names if you want. If you share with me I plan on somehow taking the pictures and names and creating a collage to share later this month. You can email those to girlofgod12485@yahoo.com with a subject line of Oct. 15. <br />
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For today I remember Rory Tatum. I love you and one day we will be together. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-13387119984576341512012-10-11T17:50:00.000-07:002012-10-11T17:50:19.787-07:00Ovaries, Eyes, and PainHere is a short update, since I'm not into writing on this time. <br />
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Things have been crazy for me. It all started with a cyst on my right side that wouldn't go away, had to get it checked out, turned out it was also an enlarged right ovary. After much testing, u/s, poking, and prodding my doctor is still fairly clueless what is causing this. His best guess is an infection. I was put on hardcore antibiotics and steroids. Things started to calm a little.<br />
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I came home only to discover I also had some weird (and still do) issue with my right eye. All symptoms are that of a sty but there is nothing visual to point to one. It's just another weird thing my body does that makes now sense. <br />
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My eye is getting a little better, except at night. My right side is still painful, but not as bad and I have been able to move a little better, but now my left side has kicked in, exactly like my right side, but seems even worse. I'm not sure if that true, or if it's just became I just tired of it all and don't want to deal with it. <br />
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So that's where I'm at, dealing with my stupid ovaries and my doctors have no clue what's going on. I'm stuck in bed and not able to have a life again. Though I have been doing badly at staying in bed, mostly because I'm just so mad I don't care what happens. Yesterday I took some time to photograph an amazing sunset, and today and I had fun playing around with them and doing some fun and crazy edits. You can check those out <a href="http://dtexphotography.blogspot.com/2012/10/sunsets-and-edits.html" target="_blank">here.</a><br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border-style: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-41109436121865704442012-10-03T01:12:00.001-07:002012-10-03T01:30:44.095-07:00Prayers for a Friend<br />
My dear friend <a href="https://twitter.com/EndoJourney" target="_blank">@EndoJourney</a> who got pregnant with IVF after a ruptured ectopic from IUI, was admitted to hospital a few days ago for preterm labor. Her doctors have been working diligently to stop. Tuesday evening her water broke. I still haven't heard any more news from her. She is only 23 weeks, just 5 days short of 24 weeks and viability. Please pray for her. Send her some love on twitter and her <a href="http://journeywithendometriosis.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">blog.</a><br />
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She is an amazing lady and her pregnancy has been filled with lots of dangers and worry (you can catch up on her blog). Please pray for her. Her and her little boy need it. Pray for her doctors to do the right things, for her husband who must be struggling knowing he can't do anything to help. Pray for her family as they sit and wait and worry. Pray for that little miracle boy, MB who is being born too early. Pray for a miracle that only God can provide. <br />
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Thank you all for praying for this dear friend of mine. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-82302501532620826882012-10-02T15:38:00.002-07:002012-10-02T15:38:41.542-07:00My Husband's LoveTime is passing, as it always does. I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck. Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place. Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest. My life has been on hold. Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore. I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know how to move on. I'm not sure I'm ready to move on. <br />
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I feel an anger I've never felt before. I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers. I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful. I hate being that way. I don't want it to effect any of my friendships. I'm hoping this is something that will just pass. <br />
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I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking. If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster. My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBg8nPiqShbLuHOu2PvuFFs9HKRK9Qd6fm2-_qdg6j4NT4bPU358SiaFe7t0cgczBRTTfWsi4Tk0Rmv1RqZ9r0320URDpxnHaq3zVFVDdg6z4vzGkwfQdKOKC9zZ_Po7UKVJLMNJGTPD0b/s1600/002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBg8nPiqShbLuHOu2PvuFFs9HKRK9Qd6fm2-_qdg6j4NT4bPU358SiaFe7t0cgczBRTTfWsi4Tk0Rmv1RqZ9r0320URDpxnHaq3zVFVDdg6z4vzGkwfQdKOKC9zZ_Po7UKVJLMNJGTPD0b/s320/002.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband. He is so amazing and so supportive. Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him. When we started dating I told him what a life with me might mean. He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days. He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible. We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me. We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness. He is supportive and he loves me all the same. I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.<br />
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this. <br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-5044867100413435542012-09-27T01:24:00.000-07:002012-09-27T01:24:52.905-07:00Dear Babies<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="27" scrolling="no" seamless="seamless" src="http://files.podsnack.com/iframe/embed.html?hash=au954mnh&wmode=window&bgcolor=FFFFFF&t=1348733876" width="340"></iframe><br />
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I find it hard to believe that I sit here a mother to 6 perfect babies, but I remain childless. How I miss each and every one of you. I wish I could have met you. I wish I could have held you in my arm, but I keep you in my heart forever. I hate that you never got to experience this world. Which one of you would have followed in daddy's footsteps and become a computer genius? Would one of you be a musician or a photographer like me? <br />
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My own dear mother was taken away from me far too early. When I would think of my future I was always sad that my mother would never get to meet her grandchildren. I guess God took you all home for her. Now she gets to spend her time with you. <br />
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My dear sweet children I love you all so much. No day will ever pass without thoughts of you. I know in time the pain and aching in my heart will get better, but you will always be remembered and cherished. One day we all will meet again. <br />
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I love you all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy_VE26bsDgRpV_jXb0SV0ihsy4vfaIVrpL18KGdWD4IwyTlHhssG15OeQVe0dGxPmLNI2eun-e5EvoDlYlxyWxI5tzoaiYIHZtDaGxZSYslspowIgzSWNLdUao6bdvxdbcoZZmDDoNZj6/s1600/belovedchildren.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy_VE26bsDgRpV_jXb0SV0ihsy4vfaIVrpL18KGdWD4IwyTlHhssG15OeQVe0dGxPmLNI2eun-e5EvoDlYlxyWxI5tzoaiYIHZtDaGxZSYslspowIgzSWNLdUao6bdvxdbcoZZmDDoNZj6/s640/belovedchildren.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know you each by name now. You are my children and will be forever loved,. </td></tr>
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-12735931636385976492012-09-19T02:23:00.000-07:002012-09-19T02:23:02.685-07:002 Babies and 1 Tube GoneWow, since my last post my world has completely changed. I feel as though it's shattered and honestly I'm not really sure why. <br />
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Early Friday morning I woke up with my left side on fire. I was in so much pain I couldn't walk. I was sick and would have rather died then endure that pain again. I was rushed to ER and called my dr. Our assumption was that once again the rise in my HCG had agitated my endo. We were in for a big a surprise. The ultrasound showed a huge pool of blood hanging around my ovaries, filling my uterus and just all around. We are not exactly sure what was going on but it was necessary to get in there and find out. <br />
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I was rushed off to surgery after a quick call to my husband who was thankfully coming home from an out of town business trip. Once inside they discovered that I had two sacs. One baby had made it to my uterus, but it quickly died and not much growth had happened. The other stayed in my left tube, but was thriving. Everything was removed along with my tube because it was too damaged. <br />
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My doctor felt horrible and has been apologizing to me non stop it seems. My beta was so low that we never suspected any problems. He believes that I've got some sort of blood concentration issue that is not giving us proper readings. He said he has suspected this in my last couple of pregnancies. He feels like it is his fault this happened. I don't believe that, I just believe that it's our destiny. <br />
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I have been struggling with this who process. I somehow feel this is all my fault. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I pushed my desire for children. We did the last cycle knowing that our odds were no better. I just wasn't willing to give up the dream. I caused this. It's my fault. <br />
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In a few weeks I've got to begin more testing. My doctor wants to find out what is going on and why my numbers were off. As far as trying to conceive goes it will change nothing, we are just doing this to make sure there is no bigger issue that we need to take care of. I'm a little nervous about that. My doctor never really shows fear, but he seemed a bit worried about my messed up levels. I'm hoping it's just because he feels bad for missing it and giving us this unexpected situation. <br />
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I'm not feeling well at all. I lost a lot of blood and it's taking time to replenish. I've felt this huge weight that I just can't seem to get rid of. I know I've got to soon face the reality of losing two more children and I've got to accept the reality that we will never have our biological children, and very possibly never have any. <br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/likebox.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FFrom-Beginning-to-Endo%2F101267939956230&width=800&colorscheme=light&show_faces=false&stream=false&header=true&height=62" style="border: none; height: 62px; overflow: hidden; width: 800px;"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9219158927639144653.post-91688922405872250182012-09-12T01:49:00.000-07:002012-09-12T02:02:46.121-07:00Secret Cycle + Pregnancy = Our New Future<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="27" scrolling="no" seamless="seamless" src="http://files.podsnack.com/iframe/embed.html?hash=aupm0ktd&wmode=window&bgcolor=FFFFFF&useOnSW=true&t=1347440538" width="340"></iframe><br />
Decisions, testing, waiting, and more decisions. I feel that this is all my life has been for the past few weeks. I've been struggling. I have had a hard time knowing what choice to make. I haven't felt at peace about any of our options since my lap. I've had my doctor with all his medical advice, family and friends have had their say, and then that leaves me and my husband. I know our choice and our feelings are what matters. I think for me the most challenging part has been the lack of time we have had to make our choices. I've felt rushed to make a choice and so I've been unable to feel they are the right choice.<br />
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My last post we left of not knowing what we were going to do. Well we did make a choice. We decided to try again. We knew before we made anymore choices we needed to do this. We needed to try at least once after my lap. The minute I started taking the medications I felt bad. In the pit of my stomach I didn't have peace. Hope was completely gone, but it was so much worse than that. I wasn't even dreading the worst. I had just given up. I didn't care what happened anymore. If it worked and I got pregnant I wouldn't have been able to find joy. I would be spending each day worried. Each symptom or lack of symptom would always have me on edge wondering if this was the baby to stay. If it didn't work and we didn't end up pregnant then I would be sad and I would fight with feelings of being a failure, even though I know I shouldn't. Can you see my problem, now? I felt screwed either way. <br />
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I went in for my last scan, having no symptoms to encourage me that we had any follies or that my ovaries were waking up. One of my incisions had become infected and I just wanted to go home and not bother seeing on that screen how my body cannot do anything right. Yet I pressed on. My scan was a huge surprise. It seemed that our new medication was helping. I had two follies ready for trigger, not just that, but they were the best sizes I've ever had. This could be our cycle. Nothing has ever looked so good.<br />
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That night we trigger and began the waiting. We decided it was time to make choices while we were not stuck in the sadness of a BFN or while dealing with the worry a BFP would bring. We decided that since I had enough gonal left for another cycle we would do one more if we got a BFN. Clearly if we got a BFP we wouldn't need to try again (at least not until we wanted child #2). What did we do though if the BFP still didn't bring us home a child? We decided at that point we would stop trying. We would be sad, but have to know that we had tried everything we could. <br />
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In this time my husband learned he had to leave for a work trip, the day after we officially know if I was pregnant or not. I lost all hope I had at this point. Every time my husband has left while I was pregnant things have always turned bad. I guess I should say hope was lost, it just changed directions. I was hoping for a BFN. My husband and I decided we were going to track and test a lot this cycle. Just in case we saw red flags about a second cycle. I POAS until my trigger disappeared, then waited a few days. I tested again, and got a faint line. I have to admit, it was early to have any sort of a line, so I was hopeful, yet scared out of my mind. For a couple days that line grew just a bit darker. This was good.<br />
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Then the red blood started on Saturday, my official day, which still had a positive. All I could do was wait, but by that evening all bleeding and spotting had stopped. This is a good sign, the previous bleeding could be the normal implantation bleeding that is very common. The next morning my line was lighter, on the same brand test. My spotting increased, but was brown which is the safe color. I dropped my husband off to leave for the week. I could see the worry on his face. He struggled having to leave again, but even if he stayed here nothing would change whatever was happening. To make a long story short, I had a blood test and my beta which should have been at least 50 was 19. From the test I took it was clear it was lowering not rising. I know you are all surprised, huh? Another lost child, I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. I'm tired of writing it. <br />
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We are now done. I got to talk to Dr. S today who has actually now told me that he wouldn't suggest IVF for us, but would instead suggest surrogacy. Dr. S saying this just made me know that this was the right choice for us. Our end had come. My emotions have been a bit all over the place. I've been mostly numb to it all, until tonight. I am so grateful for FaceTime, so I could still see my husband when he's gone, but it was so hard seeing the look he got. It's killing him that he's so far away. Now that it time that I should be sleeping it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks. We will never have a biological child. We will never hear a heart beating within my womb. We will never get to marvel at the tiny feet kicking and pushing. It's ended and it's time to move on. I will never have anybody in my family who is actually related to me. <br />
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It's time to move on. I'm not sure what that is, but it's what we need to do. I want to say that I'll be a mother some day through adoption, but honestly I don't know what the plan is. At this very moment I know better than to be naive and believe adoption will our future. All I know is that right now we have shut the book, not the chapter, on having a baby and I'm letting the tears fall.<br />
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