Saturday, November 10, 2012

Being a Lab Rat

It's been a long couple of weeks, of being poked, abused, and every last ounce of me examined, or so it seems.

I had needles going in my arms, in my spine,and in my hip bone.  I had MRI's and CT scans, and of course the numerous ultrasounds that seem like nothing now.  I've had so much of my fluids drawn that I'm surprised I have any left.  I've test I can't pronounce and test I never want to do again.  My life has been spent being a lab rat.

Good news, I don't have cancer.  Bad new, my doctors have no idea why my ovaries are enlarged, why I can't fight the simplest of infections, why I feel like I've been run over by a train 98% of the time, or why my migraines no longer respond to any medication.  They have no idea what to test or what to give me to help me. Honestly I just want to be given an IV in my arm hooked up to a morphine drip and just left alone to sleep all the time.  Instead I attempt to have a life.  I try to go out with friends.  Friends who have kids and are pregnant and talk to me about how tired they are and how unwell they feel.  I have to sit there like a good friend and just take it when all I want to do is cuss them out and tell them the shut the H up! Yet I don't.  Instead I tell them I'm sorry and ask if I can do anything to help.  WTF is wrong with me?

I now spend much of my time wishing we have never begun TTC.  My health was never great before, but now it's ruined.  What did I do to myself, all because I couldn't let go of my desire to have a biological child.

I have no idea where I'm going from here.  All I wish for are days that I can get out of bed.  As long as I can force myself up I can at least pretend that I have friends and a life.
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