# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.