Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Baby...Sort of.

I do not even know where to start, what to share, or how to feel at this moment.  I just know that I should write, I should share, and I should feel.  I am not very good at opening up to people and sharing my life, my hurts, and my feelings.  As I sit here and write this I am struggling to keep going, I am wanting to just delete everything and close the window.  I know by sharing I will be flooded with comments, people meaning to comfort and encourage and support, but I don't know if I want to hear it.  I know I do, I know that I need it, but at this very moment I just have a heart that is breaking.

I am struggling to fully accept everything as reality, I am just pushing forward, but I have no idea what I am doing, what I am feeling.  I am running from reality, yet I know I will tire of running and reality will catch up, and it will win.  It is a fact, this is the truth.  I have struggled so much to share, I dread saying the word, I dread writing what happened, but reality has to catch up.  I have to let the heart be broken, or else I cannot be healed.  God can heal any heart.  He is strong enough, He is good enough, and I know He is here, but why does He sit by and let things happen?  I'm a good little christian girl, I know He is in control, and all will work for the Glory of God, but my heart at this moment does not care.

I don't know how I am suppose to feel, it should be easier since there was no knowledge or connection.  I have been putting off sharing, and being honest and a lot of things.  Four weeks without knowing, how is that possible?  I body is stupid.  Out of nowhere pains hit, but they are not my normal endo pains.  Calls are made, test are run and I hear that I am in fact in labor.  AARRGG!!!!  I hate my body, it goes into fake labor so often it is frustrating.  Guess I wasted time again.  Then the word is dropped.  I don't even know what to do.  I numbly let the doctor perform a D&C.  Hardest phone call ever...

"So, I had a fertilized egg, didn't properly implant, sent body into labor."

To put it into simple terms...I miscarried the child I didn't even know I had.

Monday, June 6, 2011

My Body Fails

I have put off writing and updating long enough.  I was sick with the flu and an ear infection for a couple weeks  and didn't have the energy to update.  I have had numerous cyst rupturing.  I am at a point where the moment I feel a little better, I start expecting for the next worse thing to hit me. 

These last few weeks have felt so long and so hard.  My pain and my sickness has made everything pass with almost no memories from it happening.  I am so tired of all this stuff happening.  I am sick of the medical insurance world dictating to me what I am suppose to do and not suppose to do.  They are not the ones living with the torture.  After 3 cycles on this med, I have had nothing but problems, but I still have to go through another cycle, just to make sure it really isn't working.  Great, huh?  This just makes me feel crappy.  Why would I choose to go through another cycle of hell?  Each cycle just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm not sure I can handle another round.

The other part is that I am not sure I can't handle the truth of this treatment not working.  All that means is that we are leading closer to treatments I can't afford and treatments that my husband and I do not necessarily agree with.  I know that makes me a horrible infertile.  The only reason I have moments where I think maybe it is okay is because I am faced with the reality that it may be my only way.  I know plenty of wonderful Christian women who have IVF and I do not doubt they are in God's will.  I fully understand that if I choose the route of IVF or finding a surrogate that it would only happen if God wanted it to, but I can't help but feel that by choosing that route I am attempting to play God.

I know that for now I do not need to worry about it at all.  I just need to focus on making it through each day.  The last few days have been torturous.  I have had some really bad pains, different than my normal pains.  I am worried about what it may mean, but attempting to no think about it all until after my doctor appointment.

For now I go day by day and try to just focus on making it through.  I try to maintain happiness as I have to travel through a world of fertile.  For now I pray.