Monday, November 21, 2011

Conversations, Decisions and still no Direction

I have been not healing well from my last infection.  It feels like all I do is lay around in bed trying to sleep and I am sick and tired of it.  I've been put on new medicine for this infection in hopes that it will finally go away.  While I have been stuck in bed I have done a lot of thinking.  I know we are reaching an end to this journey and I've been trying to figure out what to do.

It was time to sit down with my husband and discuss what was going on.  We needed to face the reality that I have only one ovary sort of producing follies, and a uterus that is daily becoming a more horrible to grow a baby in.  It was time to have a conversation about our thoughts in IUI and IVF and surrogacy.  When we first began this journey we knew that our beliefs did not line up with IVF or surrogacy.  There are so many reasons why we don't believe it.  We hold nothing against those that choose to do it, and we understand that we are not playing God, because in the end God can decide to make it work or not.  Having an IUI was something we never really discussed much.  I guess we were both optimistically thinking we wouldn't ever have to worry about it, but we are at that point.

It has been a long and emotional time, but we made a choice.  In the end we both agree we don't want to do IUI.  This decision has not been an easy one to get to, but it has been made, and we both finally feel right about it.  I think that hardest part of making this choice is having so many friends tells us that we are wrong.  I have a former infertile friend, who after adopting 4 kids (all siblings) still wanted to keep trying for her own, who basically shut down our reasons as stupid.  It bugs me.  I don't understand why our choice not to try some things makes it so so called friends suddenly have to give their opinion as a fact and as the way we should do things.

Isn't this our life.  Isn't the most important thing what my husband and I believe is right for us.  Why does our choice not to do IUI or IVF make us suddenly less infertile?  Does it really mean we lack understanding and true desire for our own biological kids?  I tell you it does not.

I am sick of others giving their opinions when they really don't understand what is like have to face the reality of our lack of ability to have our own children everyday.  I don't want anymore offers from people to carry my baby.  When I say I won't do surrogacy, please don't talk to me as if I don't really understand what surrogacy is.  When I say I won't do IVF or an IUI I don't want to be told how my beliefs are wrong.  I get so tired of people talking to me, or at me, as though I don't know what these procedures are.  Do they really think I haven't done any research?

The decisions on what we should do are between my husband and me.  My doctor and my RE help us get more information and clarity on the research we have done.  I wish people would just support us and our decisions until of telling us that we are just giving up and not doing enough.  I'm tired of hearing it and I won't put up with it anymore.


Thursday, November 10, 2011


I know, it is already the 10, so I am behind on the things I am thankful for, if I want to take part of the 30 day challenge, which I'm not going to be.  I will however, for now list a few things that I am thankful for.  In my last post I wrote I wanted my life to be about more than endo, adeno, PCOS, low reserve, and infertility.  I noticed getting up today and running some errands I had a better attitude.  I was in pain since my time of shedding pints of blood at once has arrived, but at least I felt content with life.

I don't know if that feeling had to do with urging myself to be reminded of the good in my life, or if it was because I was doing Christmas gift shopping and I absolutely love Christmas and all that it entails.  I even met with a pregnant friend and talk about her baby shower, and felt okay.  Tonight while baking cookies I suddenly felt that pain of infertility hit hard.  As I sit here with heating bad on back, and the laptop in front for it's added warmth I decided it was time to remember a blessing I have!

As corny as it may sound, I will have to post my first thankful post for my husband.  A man who is always there for me, even in my darkest hour.  Who shares in my pain of infertility, yet is sincerely content in the fact that I am all he needs.  His presence in any room as the ability to make me feel light. A hug is all it takes to remind me that together we will make it through whatever life may throw our way.  I am in awe over the fact that there are so many days that my pain takes over and I become utterly useless in so many ways.  He still comes home after a long and stressful day at work, always willing to stop for dinner, and come home to a wife unable to do anything for him.  He deserves so much more than what I can do for him, yet he has never once complained. He is a man who treats me with just as much love as the days I am able to play the "good wife" role.  I am forever blessed with this man, and I never even want to imagine walking this journey without him by my side.  Hand in hand I know our life will be filled with much love!

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude." -1 Corinthians 13:4

Bored, Hormonal, and Confused

I was suppose to have an appointment on the 7th of this month, but that has been moved to the 8th of December now.  My last cycle was so different that my RE met with my doctor and then there was a phone conference to decide what to do next.  The infections also messed things up a bit.  I am disappointed a bit, because it has been awhile since I have sat down and been honest with my doctor, but I have had phone calls, and know that he is aware of what is going on.  I was even told in the last phone call that he has been talking to some other specialist about my case.  I will take this as a good thing and just be patient.

I am slowly recovering from my infections.  It feels like it is taking forever, but it seems I am at least getting well.  I am so thankful for that.  Staying cooped up in the house with only a few small outings is making me crazy.  This week I have been working on some redesigns for my blog site, and I have been doing some thinking.  I am still not fully satisfied with my blog, but it is headed in the right direction.  While I have been stuck home I have been very hormonal.  I am tired of being stuck in the world of infertility, of trying to conceive, and of dealing with pain.  While I can not escape the fact that this is in fact a huge part of my life at the moment, I want to remember the other things I once enjoyed doing.  I have been focusing on the fact that a lot of what I used to do was physical stuff, which I can no longer do.  Dance was my dream, and it has been hard to accept that it is no longer apart of my life.  I can get depressed when I see the students I once taught, or other kids I have known move onto college and get into amazing dance academies and follow the dream I once had.  This can be as heartbreaking as a birth or pregnancy announcement can be.

I need to move on.  I need to accept that I cannot follow my dance dream and that is over.  I am learning to accept the reality that I may never get to hold a child that my husband and I created in my arms after giving birth to them.  Even though I have been blogging, I have forgotten about my joy to read and write.  While I have been making some changes in my blog I have been thinking about what else I would like to write about.  I recently was given a Kindle from my amazing husband and now have access to many books.  I am thinking about combining my love of reading and writing and may start a review page here. I also love writing, poetry, short stories, ect.  I have not done so in a long time, and I think it is time to start again.    I also love organizing.  I am trying to figure out how I can write on that, but I have given myself a new challenge and hopefully soon in addition to my normal post about my endo and my infertility you will start seeing some new things come this way.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Trashed Cycle

I apologize for the long delay in writing.  After my day 15 scan I was disappointed and just didn't feel like facing reality.  Writing updates is where I must face that reality. then I ended up with an infection.  I am still recovering from that and have not had the energy to bother updating.

The current cycle I was on was a very depressing cycle.    My last post shared how my left ovary was unresponsive, but my right ovary still had some follies, however, those did not grow enough and my cycle was officially trashed.  I was crushed.  I know all my testing was showing how this would all end up happening, but it sure is happening very quickly.  It is frustrating and disappointing.  My RE talked with my doctor, and they want to try again, since they see that there are still eggs in my right ovary.  I am down to only one good ovary.  They are giving me stronger meds, and we are in the process of debating IUI.  We will do the next cycle that way, and depending on how I respond if it ends in a negative we will try one more.  December will be our last cycle though.  If I am not pregnant by then we will be done.  I want to have hope that I will be pregnant, but I am trying to face the reality that I might not be.

How do I move on?  I know how, don't get me wrong.  We will save money, move into a house we own closer to my husband's work.  Then we will start saving money again and begin the adoption process.  I am totally happy to adopt, I was adopted after all.  I am not okay with how long it will take to have a baby.  I am ready to be a mother now.

I am also looking forward to not trying anymore.  This last cycle was trashed, and it was almost nice to not have to think about anything infertility for a while.  There was no timing out injections to have the best egg ovulated, and no timed unromantic intercourse.  The break was nice, even though the reason for the break was depressing.  I will look forward to not having all the crazy side effects that I have.  It seems that almost every cycle has had some weird abnormal problems.  Even this last cycle that didn't produce a good egg I ended up with a uterus infection that spread to my nervous system.  I then had some weird allergic reaction to something.  I'm doing okay now, other than some back and joint pain, and my normal endo pains, which I am thankful for.  I would be nice to finally have a life.

I just wonder how much I'll enjoy life if I'm not pregnant and able to carry full term, or have to wait another few years before I can adopt.  I know that I have an amazing husband and that should be enough.  I am reminded of that as Nov. 1, was our 3 year anniversary.  I know that with him, I will be able to enjoy life.  The sadness and desire for kids will always be around though.  For now I suppose I will just wait.  We haven't fully given up yet.  If it leads me to a kid I suppose having no life will be worth it, and I will hold onto the hope that one day won't be ruled by pain and infertility.