Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.  

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Low Reserve Confirmed.

Test have now confirmed I have a low reserve.  It has taken me almost 2 weeks to share that on here.  I have been trying to run from reality.  We still do not fully know what we are going to do and having pressure that time it running away seems to make it even harder to make a choice.  My husband is so great, but he doesn't really like to think too far ahead and would rather not worry about tomorrow and just focus on today.  That is great, but when our tomorrow is what it is, we need to focus on that as well.  He knows that, but he doesn't know what we are suppose to do, so he wants to just wait it out.

I have been so sick lately.  It is getting old.  I am so tired of having so much pain and so many side effects from all the medicines.  I know that if it leads me all to a child then I will look back at this time and think it is all worth it, but as I am living through it all, and I am told how little chance I have, I have to wonder if this is worth it.  I know I am always suppose to have hope, at least that is what everybody tells me.  When am I suppose to face reality though?  How much am I suppose to risk my body for?  We know that fertility treatment is making things worse, and pregnancy will put a baby and me in danger.  Is this really a good idea?

I finally had a solid talk with my husband and finally shared all my feelings.  It was a good talk, and even he opened up more.  If felt really good that he was feeling the same things as I was.  That he did also feel sad when we hung out with couples with children or who were pregnant.  It was great to hear that I was no alone in these feelings, but it hurt.  I keep wondering if this is all worth it.  I know without a doubt that if we adopted I would love that child just as much as a child I gave birth to, but I can't help but feel heartbroken at the idea that I can never give my husband a biological child.

For now I wait.  I'll be going to the doctor soon and will be figuring out what to.  All I can do is pray and wait and I wish that was enough to give me peace.  I wish I could just make it through one hour when I am not aching for a child.