Wednesday, January 16, 2013

New Year

The new year has come and gone and I'm still stuck not knowing where I belong.  I'm no longer TTC, I'm childless, and my body is failing apart so I rarely get to socialize.  I'm stuck being around pregnant women; my friends, my family, everywhere.  I struggle with wanting to stay away, but also not wanting IF to make me also lose my life and my friends.  It's taken so much from me.

I managed to make it through the gender reveal ultrasound for my sister-in-law.  I have to admit though it's getting harder and harder to be around them.  I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it is.  I'm stuck in this weird cycle of not wanting to be around them and upset that they can't think of our feeling for just 1 second, and then the next minute I'm mad at myself for letting IF take all the joy out of gaining another niece.

My thoughts and feelings have been so all over the place I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking half the time, which is a huge part of why I haven't even written in so long.  For now I just attempt to move on I guess.  I'll be seeing my doctor soon and figuring out a game plan to try to control my pain, and hopefully that will help me have a clearer head.

This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my brother that my Aunt passed away.  She had no kids and her family had made her an outcast. She was very close with my mother though, they could have passed for twins.  My brothers and I were her closest family.  My oldest brother and I are trying to get everything squared away.  Mostly my brother though since he lives near her.  I live 2 states away and I'm still not allowed to travel much, so I'm going to be stuck here.

That's all I have for now.  No happy notes to speak of.