Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

A New Plan To Come

I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today.  I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM.  I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified.  My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around.  The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases.  I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous.  I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.

I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life.  Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this.  I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach.  My next step is going going to get more involved.  I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections.  I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge.  This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it.  Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.

I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines.  Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair.  I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try.  I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant.  There are no issues, not problems.  Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later.  I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.

Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me.  I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life.  I will shed my tears.  Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have.  Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!

The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle.   I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle.  The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.

While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.  

Feeling Myself Drifting Away

For some reason I find myself feeling so lost.  I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world.  I feel myself drifting away from reality.  I don't want anything to do with anybody.  I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends.  I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible.  I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have.  I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence.  I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less.  I don't understand.  I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care?  I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough.  Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life."  I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us.  I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us.  How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone.  I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.  

I found this today while surfing through Pinterest, which I rarely do.  I was almost instantly brought to tears.  I couldn't have said it better.

I Would Give It All

The young one there,

The overwhelmed 

The one that doesn't want.

It seems so easy.

These all choose to end it.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line.

Out of nowhere

The first time

The accident

It seems so easy

Hold the complaints

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line

I want to know what it's like

To have our love multiplied

To hold in our hands

A dream we brought to life.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever.

I would give it all

To know what it's like

I would give it all

For the chance to hold you

I would give it all

To bring our dream to life

I would give it all

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.  

Sept. 11-10 years

September 11, 2001.  That is all that needs to be said.  A date in history, but that short phrase a story of pain ans sorrow and a uniting for our country.  For me, this year marks 10 years since the hardest time in my life (outside of my miscarriages, those take the top now).  9/11/01 not only marked the day this country got changed forever, but also marked the end of a crappy period and a change in my life, that eventually lead to where I am today.  While it was hard, and I wish it had never happened, I take what I have learned and gained from it and move on.  I am strong because of it all. 

September 11 is my fathers birthday .so when I woke up that day my mind was reeling with ideas of how to get my father to love me again instead of allowing his new wife to have me moved out into the house of a stranger.  As normal even on the morning our country was attacked, I left for school with not a single word spoken to me from my father or his wife.  When I arrived at school I was shocked to learn of the attack.  The school day was a blur as all we did in every class was watch the news.  That evening after school and by the time my father and his wife were off work I was told to start packing, and that Saturday I was fully moved out.  I had lost my family.  My mind of course had to wonder to my deceased mother and do what I try so hard never to do.  Wonder what might have been if she was still alive. 

Just a few short days before all of this the day I still have nightmares about had changed me forever and also marks a huge beginning this journey with endo.  In, what should have been the security of my bedroom, I was taken with force by a male who had been known for ages. Home from dance, changing out of leotard I made myself vulnerable without though to danger.  Yes, I was raped.  While I was struggling for life, the gift for my future husband was stolen, and little did I know the worst was yet to come.  Since I had been refusing to date this guy, he decided that he would steal what he could from me, and do what he could to damage me.  Not only was there a knife and bleeding, but the beginning of scar tissue would now always be around, not a great thing for Endo.  

When my father was informed (mind you there was a mess of blood still on the ground), my brother convinced my dad it was fake and that his friend has been with him the entire time at the store.  Now you see why this horrible daughter was kicked out of the house for being so "troubled."  All periods had been heavy and painful, far more than that of the average young teen, but they quickly became worse.  Being the naive things I was. When my brother and father denied the story, I never pursued medical help, or police help.  I know better now, but at the time was too scared to say anything. 

September 11, 2011.  Ten years ago my life changed.  I became damaged and now I live with a case of stage 4 endometriosis and scarring that causes many many problems, all ending in pain and infertility.  

This is the 10 year anniversary, and I have survived.  I am strong and I have a mighty God.