Saturday, February 12, 2011

30 days of Blogging-Day 1

Alright, so I have decided to join in on this.  I could be a lot of fun!

30 Days of Blogging
day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you as a child
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you’ve been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you’re proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- write a bucket list of things you want to do before you die
day 12- write a poem to someone you love
day 13- your 5 favorite books and why
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- a picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- write about a sweet memory from your past
day 20- write a letter to someone
day 21-a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave a lot
day 24- post your favorite quote or verse of scripture and why
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- list 10 things that you are thankful for
day 27- my day job verses my passion
day 28- cruise a thesaurus and pick out 10 words you like the sound of
day 29 – favorite tv shows and why you like them
day 30 – movies you can watch again and again.

 1.   I am not a normal girl, I love to fix things, I can fix a urinal, or a toilet. I can switch out outlets and switches, and fix extension cords. I can take a vacuum motor apart and fix it too. I love all that mechanical stuff and building things and fixing things.
2.  I enjoy working with power tools and building things
3.  I only dated my husband, he was my first everything!
4.  I would rather clean house then cook
5.  I love working with children. 
6.  My favorite food is lasagna.
7.  I hate enchiladas but I can cook really good ones
8.  All my tools are pink. I even have a pink power drill. I don't really care about the color pink, I just think that pink tools are funny :)
9.   I am obsessed about being organized and clean, I hate the house to be dirty
10.   I may be a neat freak, but I never make the bed in the morning. I do not see the point in making it when I am just going to be unmaking it again in the evening.

11. I never did any drugs, or drinking, or ever had sex before marriage. I know I was weird! :) Most of all I never regret never trying anything.
12.    I love dog training, it was something I inherited from my mother. I got myself a purebred Weimeraner who is AKC registered so I could show him, but he went blind and I cannot show him.
13.   I hate sharing my life with people, but not because I want to be secret, but because it makes people think I am better then I am for enduring it all, and I am not that great or strong.
14.   I really hate having to talk on the phone, no reason I just always have hated it.
15.   My biggest fear is not being able to have children, and that sex will always be a painful thing for me. My poor husband.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Facts Mean Nothing

When pain become unbearable what is suppose to be done?  Laying awake in the middle of the night and my endometriosis pain has become so intense that my stomach is churning and my head is spinning.  I want to yell and cry, but instead just pray that I pass out from the pain instead.  I have tried so many different things to try to help my pain, but for some reason it does not give me relief.  I have found that during the day when there is work to be done I am able to push past my pain and stay focused on the task at hand.  I never forget the pain I am, every movement becomes a massive chore, but at least my mind can be free of all the thoughts that come with the pain.  Then night falls and it is time to attempt to sleep.  Sleep, well really the lack of, gives my mind the time to be fully hit with the pain and how much picking up that box, or picking up that sock that fell on the ground really did hurt me.  My brain has become fully awake while the rest of my body is arguing for sleep and relief.
The mind goes crazy during the long hours at night when the rest of the household is peacefully sleeping and dreaming.  I have many things that enter my mind at times like this, but rarely any that hold real hope.  I read and I write at times like this.  I read in an attempt to gain some hope, and I write in hopes that my brain will finally shut down and I can sleep.  Instead what happens is the reading slowly drains what little hope I have managed to gain back through the day.  The writing still helps, so at least there is on good from all of this.  There are times when I just need to express the thoughts that are killing my spirit. 

I frantically search for blogs and websites hoping for a different treatment for endometriosis.  I read numerous success stories of pain relief  from treatments I have already repeated a half a dozen times, well maybe only 3 or 4 times.  I move onto the next blog and I hear the story once again.  Pain and trouble having children leading to many doctors until they find the one who performs surgery and suddenly they feel great were able to have that child they desired!  They share in the blog how many times it seemed unlivable and hopeless, but to hold onto hope, the pain can be fixed and you can have children.  Those women then have the children and end it all with a hysterectomy.  I want to believe in that hope.  The stories are so happy, how can it not be happy when you have children out of it.  It does make it all worth it, but when is one suppose to "give up?"  Nothing that I read points to any new developments or treatments.  When do I stop repeating a treatment.  If the fourth and fifth time didn't make me feel better why is the sixth or the seventh going to be any different.  I am three surgeries into my endometriosis and still have horrible pain and no children.  I know, I am suppose to keep having hope.

God can do anything, right?  I do believe this to be true, but just because He has the ability to do something does not mean He will.  Does he really want me to endure a few more years feeling this way?  My life is on hold because I am stuck waiting to find out if I can have kids.  My hope is gone, but I have to keep going on as though I have the hope.  I am struggling to maintain a happy face when I find that others are getting pregnant.  I have to attempt to be supportive when I hear of people trying when I know they are not meant to be a mother yet.  When the life they are going to be bringing that baby into is unfit, yet they not only try, but succeed to have children.  I have to be careful as well that I do not show my hurt and pain and sadness if the day comes and I find I cannot have children for fear that maybe I will somehow say that my current life means nothing without children.  That is not the case.  I have a wonderful family, and wonderful husband who is all I need and ever will need, but even that cannot fully take away the desire to have kids.  I want to always make clear that my husband is good enough for me.  It will only be through his love and his support that I will be able to keep going.

Some of you may have noticed that I have named my blog "The Pain of Growing to Trust" which seems to be the farthest things from what I write now.  I named it that so that I can have a focus.  I am learning to trust that God is in control and has a wonderful plan.  I do not know what that plan will bring, I do not have hope that it will bring me children, but I trust that it is a mighty plan.  This is where the pain comes from.  The pain comes from being human and lacking all understanding.  In the time to come, I know that God will show His plan, and all this pain will be so silly, but I will have a trust that nothing can destroy.  In the meantime I attempt to understand with much failure, pain, and hopelessness. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Desire to Sleep

The desire to sleep has taken over my body.  All day I hope of falling asleep and getting a few good solid hours of dreams. The simple act of laying down, closing my eyes, and relaxing my body seems so easy, right?  WRONG!  The effortless action is the hardest thing for me to accomplish, and I am an overachiever.  I have failed at one of life's easiest jobs.  This endometriosis has ruined so many things.  Why must is make me lose the one thing that gives me the most relief?  Since I cannot sleep I now write.  Though one would argue that my lunatic rantings at 3 AM is truly writings, but nonetheless, I write.  I share with you my heart and my life.

As I have explained before, this site is not just about my struggle with endometriosis.  Endometriosis  is my largest battle at this time and so I share of those trails often.  My inability to sleep has lead me to write and share.  I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and that all events, good or bad will help to build our character into a strong being.  For this I am thankful, that I am learning to trust, to trust God with my life, to trust others with my heart.

I have shared a little about how I have recently gotten back in touch with my biological family.  I had just sent off a letter to my sister and was eagerly awaiting a reply.  I got back a wonderful letter from my sister.  It is amazing to be back in contact with her, it is like we never stopped writing.  My sister and brother now have a facebook account, so now I can keep in touch with them daily.  I do love what technology has allowed for us.  The question about getting in touch with my biological mother was not clearly answered, though I think I may finally have made a choice.  In time I may change that answer, but for now I think it will be the best thing for everyone involved.

In a few months I should have my printer/scanner all hooked up and I hope that I can add some pictures of my sister and her kids.  I can also share the pictures of one of the few times we were actually with each other in person.  Life is such a funny thing.  I can look back at where I was just 10 years ago and I am amazed at how life has turned out.  God sure has a strange way of teaching and growing us.  I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, a quote that makes so much sense once you are able to survive what life throws at you.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." Kierkegaard
The desire to sleep is taking over my life.  I do not understand why it is so hard to fall asleep.  The simple act of laying down, closing my eyes, and letting my whole body relax.  Sound simple, right?  WRONG!