Double the Dose and Half the Results

This week has been one of the longest most disappointing weeks in a long time.  I have never fully explained what the medicine I am on is suppose to be doing.  The are those of you that understand what I am taking and what it does, but some of you don't.  It is because there are people who do know me in real life that I have been avoiding fully sharing, and fully being open about all of this.  Time to change that.  This journey is getting to long and to disappointing and this is my place to express.  This is my time to be open and not worry about judgement or advice that comes from no understanding or knowledge of my situation.

I have been taking clomid.  I did 6 rounds at 50 MG.  What clomid does is help with maturing my eggs, and ovulation.  After going through all that, we learned that I only ovulated once, maybe twice.  I had to have ultrasounds to make sure that all my follies (eggs) were growing.  They were trying to get me to 20 (mm), but my last ultrasound usually showed no bigger than 16, which they always assumed by ovulation would be a good size, but I guess my body didn't work that way.  It just wasn't enough to keep them growing long enough so after my miscarriage and the testing I was informed of my poor egg quality.  After a long talk with my doctor we decided to go for a double dose of clomid.  My period came and on day 3 I started 100 MG of Clomid and I have felt like I am living a nightmare ever since.  The pain and the side effects have been crazy insane.  I feel as though I am losing my mind most days.  I still had some hope though.  If I was feeling so many side effects I was hopeful that meant my follies were growing.  I went into my first ultrasound on day 11.  My RE and I decided that for this cycle we would do a trigger shot of ovidrel in hopes for a real ovulation. I had a super thin lining and didn't even have a follicle worth measuring.  That was a disappointing since with half dose of clomid on day 11 I was usually measuring close to 10mm.  My hopes were a bit down and I just didn't understand how that could be when I was feeling so terrible.  So cycle day 14, I went back for my next u/s.  My lining had not grown at all, and my follies were not showing much improvement.  Most of my follicles had become smaller, but we had one that was growing, it was at a 9 mm, still not close to what I need.  I was sent home and told to come back Monday (tomorrow).  I was directed to keep taking the stupid ovulation prediction kits.  I was told tomorrow I should start seeing my line get darker.  I have little hope.  I feel so defeated by this whole mess.  How in the world does double the clomid make less growth?

I am more disappointed in this cycle not working because we financially are strapped now.  We are thinking of stopping for awhile so we can save up more money and I can focus on pain management and hopefully get a part time job so that we can get more saved up to try again.  My doctor has now told me that my time really is ticking away for TTC.  He says that if I am not pregnant within a year my chances are basically gone, and they already are, so I can't imagine what this all would be like with even a less chance.  I hate that money has to decide what we do.  I never want to give up on my dream of having my own child, but maybe I have to face reality.  Is is better to spend this money we use for treatments to adopt a child and know that we get a child, or do we keep spending money on the less than 10% chance that I could not only get pregnant, but carry to full term?

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this, or a way to know that all this work will lead to a child and is the right thing to do.  I am sick and tired of being drugged up with hormones and feeling crazy.  I am sick of being in pain and feeling as though I have no life.  I feel defeated.  I just wonder how much more strength I have to keep fighting this fight and moving forward on this journey.