Surrounded Yet Alone

Things have been so busy lately.  I've been busy visiting with family and friends.  I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone.  I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting.  I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling.  It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable.  Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all.  It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do.  It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.

For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing.  I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem.  Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child.  Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times.  Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend).  Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this.  The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up.  It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.

In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again.  Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make.  All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.

I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling.  I'm being left behind by everyone.  We are the odd one even for the odd ones.  We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world.  We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child.  I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets.  It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement  a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now?  I just don't know.  I'm being left behind.  We are not trying and we have no child.  I just don't fit in.

So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone.  I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again.  This is so true.  I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us.  Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time.  Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares.  In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility.  For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place.  He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.

So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life.  Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore.  Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies.  I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home.  My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife.  Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all.  The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.

Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.  

Emotions Running Rampant

I've tried to start this post many times and never could find the words.  I couldn't hold myself together long enough to try to find them.  I still don't think I can truly express what has gone on, or what I'm feeling.  I ask that you bare with me while I make an attempt to tell you.

I thought that I was done with the medical problems for awhile.  I was taking a break from running test while my drs. did more research and we were done TTC.  I had pain meds and I really thought that for the rest of the year I could just slide by and be semi alright with no new surprises   Well I was wrong, which I should have known better that my body has it's own mind, not connected to mine, and will do whatever it feels like for absolutely no reason.

One night a few weeks ago while spending quality time with my husband my back started to spasm.  I had never felt this before.  It wasn't like my normal back cramping I get with AF or even what I've had in labor during m/c.  It wasn't a pulled muscle either.  It felt like a charlie horse in my back.  For the few seconds it lasted (maybe about 10 seconds) I couldn't move, could barely catch my breath from the pain I was in.  It quickly past and didn't come back, or so I thought.

A few days later I was hit with the spasm again.  This wasn't a one time things this time.  In about 5 minutes I had numerous spasms come and go, and throughout the next few days I had it all again.  It kept getting worse and more frequent so I finally broke down and went to the doctor.  Was told it could be kidney issues, low electrolyte issues, a new endo symptom, or I had hurt my back and didn't realize it.  Since I was currently on AF (which made them even worse) we couldn't test to see if I had any blood in my urine.  My dr. decided to do the easiest thing and prescribed me with a muscle relaxer and pain medicine.  If it didn't get better with in a few days I would need to head back and do more testing.  It seemed to be working and I was finally getting some sleep, but like all medicines my body got used to my meds and they no longer worked and my spasms came back with a vengeance.  Wednesday I spent having a bunch of test done and now I wait with more powerful meds.

Now during all this time my emotions have been haywire.  I was feeling so many things I couldn't get control of them.  I have 1 pregnant friend whose due date is just a week before my twins due date, my sister-in-law has a due date just 3 weeks behind my twins.  My sister-in-law got married at the end of June and she is already 14 weeks pregnant.  I just don't understand at all.  I know I should be happy, that is going to my niece/nephew.  Instead I'm hurting, I'm jealous, and I'm angry.  I hate visiting with my in-laws now, even when my SIL and her family are not there.  This is their first grand baby so it's all they talk about.  I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies and I can't function anymore.  I don't know how to look past my pain and be happy, which just makes me feel even worse.

One evening after having dinner with my IL's I came home and broke down.  Sadly my husband got the brunt end of it.  I blew up at him at that moment because I thought I was just sad that we were not pregnant and that our dream was gone, but in yelling I realized it was so much more than that.  I realized it isn't just sadness that I'm not pregnant and that I hurt to be around it, but that I have felt ever since we shared we were done TTC with our close friends and family that we are expected to no longer feel any sadness about our lost children or our infertility. I feel completely forgotten.  My MIL talks about the upcoming baby and being so happy for her first grandbaby.  She tells us we better ask for something big for Christmas this year because after Christmas everything is going to the baby.  I see all their gifts under the tree and 90% of them are to the baby.  I am mad that our babies have been forgotten.  This isn't her first grandbaby, just the first one that will make it home.  Other than the day we shared of our losses (which we have only told them about 2) nothing has been said.  When we told them we had decided to stop TTC (which MIL tried to tell us what to do to keep trying) they have ignored us, written us off.  We won't be providing grandchildren, it's my fault, so they don't bother with us.

I don't feel it's anything I can bring up and share though because I feel that they would just think I was over dramatic/emotional,  going into depression and need to be medicated.  If I was completely honest with my feelings it would not go over well.  I would be looked at as unable to move forward, as not being able to handle my grief or to be able to heal.  That also frustrates me because part of healing is expressing.  Holding it in will actually create more problems.  Those that I do share; that I think about my babies, that I don't want them forgotten, think it's weird.  They tell me it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I know I need to move forward.  I know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful about, and I have a hope that one day we will adopt and I will be a mother, but I will never ever forget about my babies.

I'm dreading Christmas this year.  I'm so tired of being forgotten, of my babies being ignored.  I'm mad that our IF is not taken seriously and that my IL's are mad that I'm not going to ever be able to provide a bio child for their son.  I know that I need to focus on my husband and how he feels.  He is sad and hurting for the children we lost and for the children we will never have, but he never holds it against me.  He has never once viewed this as my problem (even though it is my body).  He has always shared this burden and we've taken the journey together with IF as our problem to face as one.

I know that as time moves one I'll be able to get past this hurt and this anger, but it's going to make this Christmas season very difficult.  I am just hoping and praying to make it through without any breakdown, or at least not until I'm home.

Happy Birthday Rory Tatum

Today is coming to an end.  It's been a good day.  I got permission to leave my house and go to a surprise party that I've been helping to plan and run a photo booth for.  My husband was amazing and helped and made it possible to go.  He's now spending some time with his guy friends having a gaming party.  I'll see him tomorrow and I'm glad he has good friends to hang out with, but I'm sad he's not here at this moment.  It hit me hard that at midnight it is the EDD of my dear Rory.  My first ectopic pregnancy, but my third lost child.  It's very possible I would have already given birth, or would be still waiting, but today (clock just changed to 12) I remember Rory Tatum.

Rory I never meet you, I never held you in my arms, but I love you and I miss you.  I wish I could be selfish and take you away from Heaven and bring you to this earth, but I can't.  Why would you want to leave?

I find it ironic that Oct. 14 was your EDD and Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (the whole month actually is) and 7 PM many will be lighting their candles.  I plan on lighting candles for my babies.  Please share your pictures and names if you want.  If you share with me I plan on somehow taking the pictures and names and creating a collage to share later this month.  You can email those to girlofgod12485@yahoo.com with a subject line of Oct. 15.

For today I remember Rory Tatum.  I love you and one day we will be together.