Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nerves are Taking Over

Tomorrow I have my first ultra sound of this cycle.  This ultra sound will now involve so much more than just measuring follicles and lining.  I will explain more after my appointment.  My emotions are getting carried away and in normal human fashion my worries are going crazy.

I spend every day wondering if I'll ever get to have a baby.  There are times I think I could be content with never physically being pregnant and giving birth with a child.  Then I start to imagine my life in the future, and adoptions and raising a child.  I still do fine.  Then I think about my husband.  I become utterly crushed.  I would love to give him a child.  I would love to see a little mini walking around.  I have no doubt my husband would love an adopted child just as much, but it saddens me greatly that I can't provide him a child.  I am saddened that the love my husband and I have can never produce a child.  

I come from an adopted background.  I am so grateful for my adoption.  It saved my life.  Being adopted as intensified my desire for a biological child, another being in my family who is flesh of my flesh.  That is a dream I have always held onto. 

For now I must wait.  By the end of the week I should have more information to share.  What I do know now is that my pain is at an all time high.  I hate leaving the house.  I hate moving.  It all makes me worse.  I hate being stuck at home.  I feel like I have no friends and no life.  I do as much as I can around the house.  I'll push my limits all the time, just as an attempt to feel normal.  I hate that my husband has to suffer too in so many ways, which is another reason I try to so hard to get things done at the house. I am tired of taking medicine that makes me feel like I should be put into a mental institution. 

I will update you all later.  I just needed a quick post to get my nerves to settle down a bit more. 

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