Tomorrow I have my first ultra sound of this cycle. This ultra sound will now involve so much more than just measuring follicles and lining. I will explain more after my appointment. My emotions are getting carried away and in normal human fashion my worries are going crazy.
I spend every day wondering if I'll ever get to have a baby. There are times I think I could be content with never physically being pregnant and giving birth with a child. Then I start to imagine my life in the future, and adoptions and raising a child. I still do fine. Then I think about my husband. I become utterly crushed. I would love to give him a child. I would love to see a little mini walking around. I have no doubt my husband would love an adopted child just as much, but it saddens me greatly that I can't provide him a child. I am saddened that the love my husband and I have can never produce a child.
I come from an adopted background. I am so grateful for my adoption. It saved my life. Being adopted as intensified my desire for a biological child, another being in my family who is flesh of my flesh. That is a dream I have always held onto.
For now I must wait. By the end of the week I should have more information to share. What I do know now is that my pain is at an all time high. I hate leaving the house. I hate moving. It all makes me worse. I hate being stuck at home. I feel like I have no friends and no life. I do as much as I can around the house. I'll push my limits all the time, just as an attempt to feel normal. I hate that my husband has to suffer too in so many ways, which is another reason I try to so hard to get things done at the house. I am tired of taking medicine that makes me feel like I should be put into a mental institution.
I will update you all later. I just needed a quick post to get my nerves to settle down a bit more.