Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lost Friends

My husband and I decided we would do one more cycle, a repeat of the last one, since before the allergic reaction we say a glimmer of hope that we have never seen before.  Since it was not a new treatment that become more expensive we know that while it may be a bit tight, we can afford this cycle.  We (hubby, OB, RE, and me) decided that we could not count this as something that did not work since I had the allergic reaction.  My RE has a way to avoid that reaction so we will give it one more try.  If it doesn't not work some things will have to be decided, and yes money will be the main factor.  After this things become more expensive, injections and IUI are not cheap things as many of you know.  With no insurance help and with no savings it would be a huge challenge. 

I am currently on day 3 of my clomid.  My side effects have been crazy.  They have never been this bad. Tomorrow I am going to make a phone call because they are a little worrisome at this point.  I fear calling though.  I have decided, regardless of my body rejecting the meds or no, regardless of a baby or not, this is my LAST cycle with this medicine. We may decide to move forward if we find the next step to be fairly affordable.  I am so tired of this mess.  I want it to be done.  I want to have a baby and I want to feel like I am living my life, or really I'll take any life.  I just want to live. 

One of the hardest things so far in the journey, outside of losing children and having many BFN test results, is the loss of friends.  I am currently enduring a battle with a "best friend" right now.  I can be thankful that in the past year as I have been going through this trial in my life, I have gained the ability to stand up for myself.  I finally confronted my friend.  I told her that of all my friends she should be the one who is there for me the most.  We have known each other since we were 12.  We are now 26.  That is a lot of years.  When I had a cyst rupture, she was on my list of the few people I wanted to inform.  I needed to praying.  There were just a handful of people who got a text that day from my husband.  She was the ONLY one who did to respond with something as simple as "I'm praying" Or "Thinking of you" or something equally simple, but enough to know that you have a friend who cares.  Then as we have been dealing with infertility cost our trips out of town to see her and other friends have decreased.  Still no word from her.  When I do make it there, almost no effort to see me is made.  Is that what a best friend does?  She gets heads up of my visit, but then makes plans with people she gets to visit with anytime since they live so close.  Then to top all of this off.  For the first time I shared of my miscarriage, this was my second, but a message was sent out to my closest friends that we had just lost a baby.  To this day she has still not once acknowledged this fact.  Now she is getting married, and doesn't want my help at all in her wedding.  She only wants me to be there.  No not with her helping her, but just a person filing a chair.  At my wedding she threw a fit because I had decided I wanted to have my closest friends share the role.  I decided I would have a Matron and a Maid of honor.  Well she refused to share the role and demanded she be a bridesmaid.  Her choice, I wasn't going to fight.  I just wanted to marry my best friend.  She then said she didn't think she could make it to my wedding because she had a wedding to attend around the same time.  ATTEND, not be in.  She said that since she was "just a bridesmaid" she didn't see it being important enough to skip the wedding, but if she was MOH she would work harder to come.  Um?  In the end do to some financial reasons I wasn't able to help my Matron get to my wedding and she was unable to either.  So I ended up with just a Maid of Honor and my friend attended my wedding.  Now I am the jerk who confronted this girl for ignoring my distress and for being upset and jealous that I am not in her wedding.  She claims it is all family, which is great.  I don't need to be the wedding, but if I really am somebody she claims as a "bestie" then shouldn't she still be happy that I am asking her what I can do to help.  I mean the stupid grunt work, tying bows and other things like that.  Nope, she has people for all that.  She just wants me to come, sit, watch, and leave. 

I am so frustrated.  I don't know what to do.  We have this big fight going on through email messages.  I have told her that the biggest issue I have is that she has completely ignored the fact that I have lost babies, and that I am having problems getting pregnant.  She tried to claim that she didn't get my full text messages.  She never told me she got a messed up message.  She never asked what, nothing.  She claims she did say she was sorry I was dealing with this stuff. 

I have also learned today that a friend who got pregnant while on the pill decided that she and her husband really didn't want that child.  They were not planning on it.  They debated giving the baby up for adoption, but don't want to give up their life and she didn't want to wait 9 months and deal with the annoyance of pregnancy right now.  They decided to abort their baby.  Then she has the nerve to share all this with me, knowing that I can't have one. 

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