2 Babies and 1 Tube Gone

Wow, since my last post my world has completely changed. I feel as though it's shattered and honestly I'm not really sure why.

Early Friday morning I woke up with my left side on fire.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk.  I was sick and would have rather died then endure that pain again.  I was rushed to ER and called my dr.  Our assumption was that once again the rise in my HCG had agitated my endo.  We were in for a big a surprise.  The ultrasound showed a huge pool of blood hanging around my ovaries, filling my uterus and just all around.  We are not exactly sure what was going on but it was necessary to get in there and find out.

I was rushed off to surgery after a quick call to my husband who was thankfully coming home from an out of town business trip.  Once inside they discovered that I had two sacs.  One baby had made it to my uterus, but it quickly died and not much growth had happened.  The other stayed in my left tube, but was thriving.  Everything was removed along with my tube because it was too damaged.

My doctor felt horrible and has been apologizing to me non stop it seems.  My beta was so low that we never suspected any problems.  He believes that I've got some sort of blood concentration issue that is not giving us proper readings.  He said he has suspected this in my last couple of pregnancies.  He feels like it is his fault this happened.  I don't believe that, I just believe that it's our destiny.

I have been struggling with this who process.  I somehow feel this is all my fault.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I pushed my desire for children.  We did the last cycle knowing that our odds were no better.  I just wasn't willing to give up the dream.  I caused this.  It's my fault.

In a few weeks I've got to begin more testing.  My doctor wants to find out what is going on and why my numbers were off.  As far as trying to conceive goes it will change nothing, we are just doing this to make sure there is no bigger issue that we need to take care of.  I'm a little nervous about that.  My doctor never really shows fear, but he seemed a bit worried about my messed up levels.  I'm hoping it's just because he feels bad for missing it and giving us this unexpected situation.

I'm not feeling well at all.  I lost a lot of blood and it's taking time to replenish.  I've felt this huge weight that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I know I've got to soon face the reality of losing two more children and I've got to accept the reality that we will never have our biological children, and very possibly never have any.