Today's blood test came in, and beta is at 2. This is a good thing. It means my mtx. shot has done it's job,or my body has, or whatever the hell it was, it's done. I'm no longer pregnant is what it means. It means that baby number 4 is no longer with me.
It means that my slowed bleeding should end soon. It means that now I can grieve for the lost child. I've been feeling so strange with this loss. It's been hard to process it. It never felt real. I barely had a moment to enjoy being pregnant. From day one things looked like they were falling apart. I couldn't allow myself a moment of grief because I had to take care of myself physically. Thanks to my blood loss and the mtx. shot, I still feel shitty. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseated, and I"m in pain. The danger is gone.
The danger is gone; meaning, I'm allowed to feel for the loss. When I received that call, I was hoping to hear that my beta had dropped significantly. I was hoping for it, but I had not braced myself for it. It was amazing how quickly that pain and sorrow entered my heart at those words. The tears have not stopped falling since that call, yet I feel better than I have in days. I needed closure. I needed to feel this loss, I needed to grieve.
It's in my grief that I'm reminded of how amazing my husband is. It's in my grief that I remember I do have a God that loves me. I don't know how, but I do know I'll be okay because of those two facts. I'm broken. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I'm incomplete, but I'll be okay. It's been a long time since I have felt this way. I can't say I believe that I will ever get to hold a child in my womb and my arms, but I'll be okay.