Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.