Beta is 2

Today's blood test came in, and beta is at 2.  This is a good thing.  It means my mtx. shot has done it's job,or my body has, or whatever the hell it was, it's done.  I'm no longer pregnant is what it means.  It means that baby number 4 is no longer with me.

It means that my slowed bleeding should end soon.  It means that now I can grieve for the lost child.  I've been feeling so strange with this loss.  It's been hard to process it.  It never felt real.  I barely had a moment to enjoy being pregnant.  From day one things looked like they were falling apart.  I couldn't allow myself a moment of grief because I had to take care of myself physically.  Thanks to my blood loss and the mtx. shot, I still feel shitty.  I'm dizzy, I'm nauseated, and I"m in pain.  The danger is gone.

The danger is gone; meaning, I'm allowed to feel for the loss.  When I received that call, I was hoping to hear that my beta had dropped significantly.  I was hoping for it, but I had not braced myself for it.  It was amazing how quickly that pain and sorrow entered my heart at those words.  The tears have not stopped falling since that call, yet I feel better than I have in days.  I needed closure.  I needed to feel this loss, I needed to grieve.

It's in my grief that I'm reminded of how amazing my husband is.  It's in my grief that I remember I do have a God that loves me.  I don't know how, but I do know I'll be okay because of those two facts.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm incomplete, but I'll be okay.  It's been a long time since I have felt this way.  I can't say I believe that I will ever get to hold a child in my womb and my arms, but I'll be okay.  

Bloody Monday

Things have sure not gone as planned this loss, not that a loss is ever planned.  My bleeding became really bad on Monday.  I called up Dr. S and was told to go straight to the hospital.  They tested my blood and did an ultrasound.  My uterus was full of blood. Then my beta came back and showed barely any drop.  This was scary, it meant so many possibilities and another ectopic.  I was also showing very low iron from blood loss and borderline severely dehydrated.

I was hooked to IV and told I must stay overnight.  Thanks to a low white blood count and my history I was not allowed any visitors, including my husband for fear of infection.  The next day my levels were tested again.  They wanted to get my iron and electrolytes back up before testing my beta again.  They wanted by blood to be better to give a more accurate beta result.  They decided blood level was good and took my beta, which was still hovering in the same area.  This meant they were almost positive it was an ectopic.  My bleeding had decreased and so I was given the shot of mtx and sent home to let the rest of this nightmare play out.

Just as we were pulling up in front of our home I got a phone call, apparently Dr. S had ordered the hospital to do another u/s and to take a tissue sample.  He wanted to know if I was losing pregnancy tissue, or if it was endo/adeno tissue.  I was suppose to have this before my shot.  He wanted to know where it was and he wanted to know if my bleeding truly was less.  The ultrasound sound showed significant amount of blood in my uterus. Which means the bloating was not lingering effects of OHSS, but from too much blood.  While waiting on tissue testing Dr. S ordered a MVA.  My dr. is two hours away, and what I didn't know was that he was on his way to my hospital.  When I walked into the room for my procedure I was so surprised to see him there.  It was a small bit of joy in this dark time.  He was concerned about all the blood and wanted to see for himself what was going on after it was cleaned out.

I was not looking forward to this MVA, Dr. S was even nervous, he couldn't hid it.  Every time I've had a D&C or MVA it's agitated my adeno and caused it to burrow even deeper into my uterus walls.  It was so painful, and hurt so badly.  It was like my whole body wanted to fight this procedure. It felt like my whole body was being sucked up.  My head started pounding, my feet even being to tighten, but in a matter of seconds it was over.  Then the ultrasound to show what had happened.  My uterus still had a lot of blood, but not dangerous levels, and my Dr watched it to see if I was adding more rapidly.  It seemed to be doing better, so I was allowed to dress.

During this time my results from my tissue samples were done.  There was still some pregnancy tissue in there.  Dr sent me home though, he felt safe that we had gotten all we could for now without making things worse.  He's pretty positive that my ectopic had embedded into my uterus walls, but that the shot and the MVA would be enough to clear it out.

I took another beta today, but today's results may still be weird.  I'll do at least one more and if the numbers are falling we can assume it's finally ending.  Dr. S was explaining everything to me, from the ectopic, to the massive bleeding from adeno tearing up my uterus.  I stopped him and asked him if this was all just a dream, it sounded unreal.  He gave that sympathetic smile and patted my back and told me it would be over soon, we can talk more than.

Now I'm home, resting and unsure of what to feel.  I'm just hoping, when hope seems impossible, that it's finally all done.  

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

#4 Brings us Closer

I apologize for not updating yesterday.  I was no in the best of place, which I guess lets you know the outcome.

I went in that morning to the lab to have my blood drawn, but I felt it was useless.  After a restless 4 hours of sleep I woke to horrible cramping, and yep, a ton of red blood.  My lab was pretty full, but I found a place to sit with a few empty seats around it.  I really didn't want to be caught up in some superficial conversations.  While I sat there 3 preggo bellies passed in front of me on their way for glucose testing.  Then just 2 seats down another one is talking on the phone about how they just had their drink and now have to sit and wait an hour before they can get their drink.  She went on and on about how frustrated she was.  She said she was tired of that thing controlling her.  Ugh!  Really?  I'll take it.  I'll turn my whole world upside down for the chance, oh wait, I've done that already.

I was begging for my named to be called at any moment.  I was struggling to not jump up and punch that women in the face. I just wanted to knock some sense into her.  How can you not imagine the miracle you are holding there.  How can you not love it so much, that an hour long glucose test is totally worth it?  Then while I'm slightly begging for my name to be called next, and a women and her niece sit next to me.  Low and behold the women is pregnant.  While sitting there the reception walks to us, hand the women her drink for the test and then ask me to confirms my number. The young women overheard this conversation and asks me which flavor drink I choose?  What the crap?  She asked for my number, not for choice of flavor.  Before I have a chance to answer she is asking me how far along I am and going on about how she still has morning sickness and she's so tired of it.  I know my OHSS made me hugely bloated, plus, well I am fat, but really?  Thankfully, at the moment I was attempting to figure out what to say, my name was called and it was time to get up.

The lab tech I had was great.  She saw that it was a pregnancy test, but knew enough about where the order was coming from to be careful what she said.  She asked about my blood, and I explained, and I saw that look at her face.  She knew as well what was happening.  She found my vein easily, despite being slightly dehydrated and quickly got what she needed.  She bandaged my arm and said I would know by 3, and she would try to push it faster, but couldn't promise anything.

For the rest of the day, each time the phone rang my stomach knots grew.  Finally I had the call I was dreading  waiting for.  Beta was at 21.  I should have been closer to 50.  I always had had those faint lines, and it was explained that meant that at a minimum I would have been at 25.  They asked about my bleeding and how my OHSS was doing, and it all came down to the fact that I'm miscarrying our 4th child. I'll go back for one more Beta to just make sure it is not an ectopic, but it everything points to miscarriage.

That evening when my husband came home, I didn't have to say much.  He asked if I got the result and I just looked at him, and he knew.  It's the first time I've seen a look of hopeless cross his face, and I hope I never have to see that again.  He was supportive, he hugged and we spent the evening talking, watching Lost and just being together.  This situation sucks.  I hate that I'm there again.  My faith in God is being shaken like never before, but the one thing I do know.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so much more than I deserve, and no matter what happens I know together we will make it.

Upcoming Beta

Tomorrow, well I guess today, is my beta.  A large part of me want to just "forget" about it and stay home curled up in bed.  I'm not ready to face the truth.  I should be encouraged, my bleeding has not had anymore
red, and has slowed down, but the clots of increased.  It's pretty much all I'm losing now.

I'm not ready to lose number 4.  I'm not ready to accept that not only does it takes lots of money, and drugs to get me pregnant, but despite all that, my hostile uterus hates the baby and likes to get rid of it.  The only one I had that was a good and healthy was my ectopic.  Against all odds it just kept growing and growing.  I had to try over and over to kill that thing and kept hoping it praying it wouldn't get large enough to send me into an emergency surgery.

Will my husband and I ever get to experience that joy of seeing that little miracle that we made?  Will we ever get the moment in the hospital of pure love, joy, and wonder at the bundle we hold in our arms, that just a few moments ago was snuggled in my belly?  I'm just asking for one little baby.  Is that so wrong?  I stand by and watch over and over again as women get pregnant and never once change their lifestyles birth healthy women.  I watch them continue to smoke because they just can't give it up, I watch them sneak a few drinks.  They never take their prenatal. They make it full term with no scares to the life of their child.  The child they didn't even really want in the first place.  I just can't understand it, and I wish I could.  Am I selfish for trying so hard for a child when it seems it is just never going to be?

I'm done, I'm not ready to do this again, and I'm not sure it's possible to heal.  I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I hate that this is happening.  For the first time ever, I'm not just mad, I'm angry at God, and I just don't know why the Hell is allowing this to happen.  I'm wondering what good prayers are, when God is going to allow this to happen.  It's His will, right?  That's what I'm always told.  Well if this is His will, I don't want to be apart of it.  I have prayed and fasted for my chance to have a child, and each time I get close it's ripped away from me.  I know a ton of wonderful women and couples dealing with infertility, who have had just as much trouble to conceive, who have experience just as much, if not more hurt and loss that I have.  For every one of those women I have seen and met at least 2 who don't take care of their children, who abort then, don't want them, or who cannot care for them.  I just can't understand how God thinks this is a good thing.  It's not right, and it unfair, and I don't care at this moment how bad I sound.  

From Brown to Red

Sleep was hard to come by as my thoughts have been reeling.  The only thoughts I've been able to have is "I can't do this" and "Why the Hell is this happening again?"

Once I feel asleep at about 6 AM I slept off and on until about noon.  I had no reason to make myself get up other than to call my RE's office and hear what I don't want to hear.  Once I got myself up and fed my dog I made the dreaded call.  I explained everything, the spotting, the faint tests, the clots, and the bleeding.  I was told to wait until Thursday and do a blood test, it's still too early because it's possible my trigger is still in my system.  (It's not, I tested at the beginning of my 2WW just to make sure it was out) I have never done that before, but I explained to the nurse I saw, and she told me to still wait.  I was told not to worry because the blood was brown.  I was told to stay mostly in bed/couch and not do much until after we know what's going on.  I was also told brown is common, and even the amount means nothing.  The call felt like a big waste of time.  If I wait until Thursday it's possible my beta will be nothing and will be considered a failed cycle, and necessary testing and precautions if we choose to try again will not be taken seriously.

I was good and stayed in bed, only getting up to pee and get more Gatorade, thanks to lovely OHSS it's all I can drink.  I'm once again unable to sleep, and had to get up to pee.  I wish I had the ability to sleep through the pain because for one more night I might have been able to hold onto hope, instead going pee became my worst event of the day.  I've now got red blood.  It's still not fully a flow, but it's a bit more than just some random spotting. Tomorrow I'll be calling, but all that will happen is to go on complete bed rest until Thursday.  So until Thursday I'll only be seeing the 4 white walls of my bedroom.   

The Unknown

I hate when I am so unsure, I hate just waiting for an answer.  Things have become, um, interesting in the last few days, and honestly I don't think I'm ready or strong enough to handle it.

Saturday morning was a bad morning and my vomiting got so bad I had to go in for IV of fluids since I was dehydrated, thankfully that was it.  I was home that late evening and my husband and I decided to meet some friends for dinner.  I couldn't really eat, but visiting would be nice, and I would still be sitting still, so we would be obeying doctor's orders.  While sitting there I had cramping, it it felt like AF (period) was making it's arrival.  I wasn't too happy to feel this, but went to the restroom to confirm, that yes, when I wiped I was having blood and clots.  This is how my AF always starts. I assumed it was over  I came out of bathroom to join our group, who while I was away and begun a conversation about how they found out they were pregnant and how the low points of being pregnant.  Not really what I wanted to hear.  I made it through until it was time to go home before I had my breakdown.

This morning I woke up early, for no real reason, other than being painfully nauseated and having some heart burn.  I also noticed no blood at all.  I was a little confused, and curious, so I decided to POAS (pee on a stick) and a very faint line appeared.This is a good sign.  I then tried a different brand and had nothing.  I calmed my worry that one is too light, and the other nothing by reminding myself it's still early and different test start at different levels.  We meet with my IL's for dinner and while there my cramping came back and of course going to the restroom showed an increase in my bleeding and clotting again.  This bleeding was more than before, but still not as bad as my period.  I came home and cried to my husband again, who just told me it does no good to worry yet.  Which I know, but how do you not?  So then I decided to test one more time, with the brand that showed nothing earlier, and it had a very very faint line.

For now I'm still cramping, A LOT, and I'm still spotting and clotting.  I don't feel safe to say I'm pregnant, I don't feel safe that this thing I've got is going to be safe if I am pregnant.  Tomorrow I'll call my RE's office and I'll begin the next step to this already bumpy journey.

Thoughts, prayers, and hope would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks

Remembering

Just when I think that my endo vomiting is more than I can handle, OHSS rears it's ugly head and I've been awake since 4 Am vomiting every ounce of food, or liquid I take in, and then some.  I'm doing my best to fight it all.  I'm fighting the nausea in hopes of holding down at least liquid.  The last place I want to end up in is the hospital.

Thanks to my exhausted state of my mind, I can't help but think and become overly emotional.  What is today's thoughts? For once during this cycle, I'm not freaking out about all the possibilities of what may be, I'm taking it a day at a time.  I'm not hoping, but I'm not bracing for the worst either.  I just am. Today instead of worrying about what will be, I'm grieving for what never was.  The other day I was chatting with a friend.  I was sharing about my first miscarriage and suddenly I realized the date marked a milestone in what would have been our first born son.  He would have been 18 months.  I know imagining what life could have been is just as unhealthy as "what  if's" are; yet, that is what I have found myself doing.  It's been so hard to imagine that I would have an 18 month old.  I've imagined what his most current milestone would have been.  Would he be walking on those unsteady legs, having finally taking his first steps.  Would he have been practicing with walking to mommy and daddy in a fun little game?  It's so hard to imagine that I could actually have a child.  How different my life would be.

It amazes me how just when I think I'm making progress on this grieving thing, one thought can send me miles back on this journey.  There are days I feel I'm worse then when it all started.  Today, in between trying to hold down my liquid and vomiting, I remember the babies I mothered, but never got a chance to meet.  I wish I could bring them back, but my love for them will keep them alive in my heart.