Thanks to my exhausted state of my mind, I can't help but think and become overly emotional. What is today's thoughts? For once during this cycle, I'm not freaking out about all the possibilities of what may be, I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm not hoping, but I'm not bracing for the worst either. I just am. Today instead of worrying about what will be, I'm grieving for what never was. The other day I was chatting with a friend. I was sharing about my first miscarriage and suddenly I realized the date marked a milestone in what would have been our first born son. He would have been 18 months. I know imagining what life could have been is just as unhealthy as "what if's" are; yet, that is what I have found myself doing. It's been so hard to imagine that I would have an 18 month old. I've imagined what his most current milestone would have been. Would he be walking on those unsteady legs, having finally taking his first steps. Would he have been practicing with walking to mommy and daddy in a fun little game? It's so hard to imagine that I could actually have a child. How different my life would be.
It amazes me how just when I think I'm making progress on this grieving thing, one thought can send me miles back on this journey. There are days I feel I'm worse then when it all started. Today, in between trying to hold down my liquid and vomiting, I remember the babies I mothered, but never got a chance to meet. I wish I could bring them back, but my love for them will keep them alive in my heart.