Fighting to Heal

It's all over and I don't know what to do.  I'm struggling to come back into the world.  I keep finding myself pushing away from everything.  I've never had this problem before.  I've had my moments of doubt, and I've had my moments of grieving and hiding away, but I've always been able to to quickly come back.  I just have to remember my amazing husband and that God has a plan, and I'm able to move on, I'm able to grieve, grow, and regain my hope.  I don't know how to do that this time.

I had to choose to end the life of our baby.  I know we had no choice.  The baby was dying and killing me in the process.  I understand all of it, but it doesn't make me feel any better.  I just can't understand how this makes any sense.  All I can think over and over is why?  I wonder as well how to move forward.  I can't seem to understand how to make it to the end of the day, let alone to my WTF appointment.

I can't tolerate being around babies or pregnant women, yet those are the only people we have around us at the moment.  We have a birthday party to attend for a 1 year old on Sunday.  How am I suppose to be able to go, be around all those children and be happy?  I'll work myself up into thinking I'm strong enough to handle it.  As soon as we walk into the house that pain will hit.  It will feel as though I've been punched in the chest.  I'll be unable to breath and my eyes will want to be a geyser.  I'll be surrounded by people and children so I'll take a deep breath and move on as though nothing is wrong.  I'll make myself  numb again.

Then I'll come home where the anger attacks.  I've never had such anger before.  One minute I'm so angry that this had to happen, and then next I have no feelings.  I don't care and I just want to give up on the idea of ever being a mother.  I want to give up on ever giving my husband the child he deserves to have.  Then I pictures his eyes.  The pain hits all over again.  The sadness he feels, I feel.  I'm hurt we can't have a child, I'm hurt my body can't give my husband what he deserves. He would make an amazing father, and I can't give him that.   This cycle seems to be a daily battle.

I've been trying to keep myself busy.  This is difficult though since I'm not suppose to be doing much physically.  I just want life to be normal.  I was chatting with a friend the other day who also struggles with infertility. She got a BFN from an IUI.  I said to her, why can't it just be a simple act of love, a night of romance and desire to bring us that baby?  Why are so many women ending up with accidental babies.  Babies they can't even bother giving up for adoption.  Instead they just end the life of perfectly healthy babies.  How does any of this make sense?

Will it ever make sense?  I don't know what to do.  I know I need to fight to heal, but I just can't seem to find the strength to try.