Is it just me or is there a ton of TV shows that now have infertility issues in them? When I saw the first few I thought, this is kind of cool. The public needs to be aware of the issues that face such a large number of women. Infertility is such a taboo topic, but is now finally being spoken about. Grey's Anatomy has done a pretty good job of showing, not just the hurt of infertility, but the process that one has to do to try. One Tree Hill has done a great Job of showing how much pain it can cause a women, but yet has given no actual knowledge. Parenthood gave an actual disease, which is great, but yet they still left it without providing any real information about. I do hold hope that these shows will hopefully provide more information.
For those not suffering with infertility it is hard for them to really understand what is really going on with the women who are fighting for their chance to conceive. I am so glad that these popular shows are finally giving the general public a glimpse into the lives that we women deal with, bu t I hope that as these shows continue more facts will be shared.
With the struggles of insurance and the financial stress that has brought about, my hopefulness has begun to fade. I have been on this new treatment and see no real changes. My disappointment is high and I don't know where to go. I want to gain back my life. I want to be myself again. I go back to the doctor on May 5. I am hoping my doctor can find a way around our insurance, but if he can't, I don't know what will happen. I need to not be in pain anymore and I want to have a baby. I have lost hope in ever having both, so there are times I think I will be fine if I can just not be in pain. That isn't totally true though. I want a baby. I want to not be in pain.
I wake up many nights from dreams of pregnancy. The pain of reality hurts to bad. I end up crying most of the night. I try to keep quiet so my husband doesn't suffer. He has gotten to the point where he doesn't ask what is wrong, he just wraps his arms around me and holds me. It is at times like that that I calm down and know that as long as I have him I can keep going and I can survive. Then I think about how wonderful he is and how nutty I am. He works so hard for me, and I spend 80% of my time curled up in bed. How bad for him to have received a lazy partner. He didn't ask for this. He is so much more than I deserve.
I see people holding babies and I have to fight back tears. Most of the time not even of jealousy, just at the sadness that I may never have a child. I have always loved to hold babies, but I now avoid it. It is way too hard now. I didn't realize I had been avoiding it until this past weekend. I was around a baby, but I didn't even take the time to watch it or look at it. It was too hard. I don't like that I have become that way. I have friends who are pregnant or have recently given birth. I want to be able to hold their babies, to smile at them, to enjoy them. It makes me mad at myself for allowing these stupid feelings to rule my life. I hate that I have become that way.
For now I leave with thoughts of babies and fighting tears of wonder and hopelessness. Will I ever get my life back?