Thursday, April 21, 2011

Rambles Instead of Sleep

Sometimes I am just so unsure of what to write.  My feelings and my pain overwhelm me and I am unable to express my thoughts.  I also never know how much to share.  If I had chosen to be completely anonymous I would openly share, but I did not chose to do so.  I chose to let my friends know that I was the writer here.  I wanted them to finally get a glimpse into what I was going through.   Few friends have even bothered to read what I have written and so I have been able to truly figure out who my real friends are.  There are still some people though, that are not close friends who are also reading this.  I choose to not openly share because sometimes people are dumb.  They say things with out thinking about it.  They don’t realize how hurtful their words or actions can be. 

If I share about a treatment, I get others opinions and thoughts on the topic.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my real friends thoughts, I am extremely grateful for the online friends and fellow Endometriosis sufferers.  I do not appreciate to be told over and over again how it is the wrong thing, or told exactly what I should do.  What I decide to do is between me, my husband, and my doctors.  I do not want judgement passed for what I do.

I fear for the day that I share information about trying to get pregnant.  When that time comes for me and my husband it is going to be hard enough, with the stress of money and the infertile issue.  I don’t know if I want other people to continue to tell me what I should do, or ask me daily, weekly, even monthly if we have gotten pregnant yet.  Trying when there is a problem is stressful.  I am sure there will be many times that our trying will not work and we will have to live with that disappointment.  I do not want more added to it. 

I also get tired of being asked if we are trying.  I get tired of people making comments about needing to hurry up and have kids (people who know I have a health problem).  I am struggling enough with not being in a place yet where I am able to even consider children.  I am using up all my strength to maintain joy for all those friends of mine who are currently pregnant or those that have even just recently given birth to healthy babies.  I truly am happy for them, but I have a lot of sadness and I wonder, “will I ever get that chance?”

I ask that those of you who know me to please don’t ask stupid question.  You can ask how I am feeling, how my pain is and things like that.  Just don’t ask me when I am going to try for a baby, don’t ask me if I am pregnant yet.  When the time comes I will share it.  I think when the time comes I am going to be so happy that without words you will be able to see that I am.  For now please just pray.  Pray for a chance to try, and pray for a BFP and the ability to carry full term and to deliver a healthy baby.  That is all that can be done.  

I hate waiting and I don’t want to anymore, but my Endometriosis and my PCOS tell me that I must wait.  Please help me wait, Lord.

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