Time is passing, as it always does. I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck. Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place. Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest. My life has been on hold. Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore. I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know how to move on. I'm not sure I'm ready to move on.
I feel an anger I've never felt before. I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers. I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful. I hate being that way. I don't want it to effect any of my friendships. I'm hoping this is something that will just pass.
I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking. If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster. My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk.
I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband. He is so amazing and so supportive. Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him. When we started dating I told him what a life with me might mean. He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days. He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible. We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me. We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness. He is supportive and he loves me all the same. I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this.