Enlarged Ovaries

Things have been hectic, yet I'm on bed rest so not sure why.  Mostly I think I've just been avoiding everything, which takes lots of effort.  My ovary issue is still messing up majorly. My doctor, or doctors actually, are at a loss.  Things looked like they were improving, but they  have acted up again.

Next week I will be undergoing a bunch of test.  I'm a little nervous, but at the same time I'm not.  I want this to end.  I want to move on.  There have been a lot of possibilities thrown around, from an auto-immune to cancer.  It's funny, being told I might have cancer should scare me, but it doesn't.  I also don't think that's what I have.  I know that as of right now a lot of things are pointing in that direction, but I don't feel worried about it.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was an auto-immune though.  That can be easily dealt with.

The last few weeks have been emotional challenging.  There seems to be pregnancy announcements everywhere.  Whenever I hear of one it's always close to where I would have been and it stings.  It feels like somebody has punched me in the chest and I can't catch my breath.  It has always been painful and for each of my pregnancies I have at least one friend or family member with a baby close, but it hurts more this time.  I know it's because we are done trying.  We are moving on.  We want to adopt someday, but we need to focus on buying a house and moving into a larger home so we can pass inspection.  Each announcement not only holds the pain of remember the babies we didn't get to bring home, or of the years we have been trying, but now it's a reminder that we will never get to do that.  We won't get to have any fun announcements, never get to have the moment of seeing our child born or watch their growth via ultrasound.  We are done and it won't happen.

We finally shared with in-laws that we are done.  I'm not even sure at this point how I feel about the whole thing.  I do know I'm grateful for my husband because when his mother tried to push donor egg and surrogacy, he made it clear that it was a choice we already made, TOGETHER. We had already thought about every possible angle, and we were sure we were done.

Next week I will begin a long series of test.  For now I just wait.

Happy Birthday Rory Tatum

Today is coming to an end.  It's been a good day.  I got permission to leave my house and go to a surprise party that I've been helping to plan and run a photo booth for.  My husband was amazing and helped and made it possible to go.  He's now spending some time with his guy friends having a gaming party.  I'll see him tomorrow and I'm glad he has good friends to hang out with, but I'm sad he's not here at this moment.  It hit me hard that at midnight it is the EDD of my dear Rory.  My first ectopic pregnancy, but my third lost child.  It's very possible I would have already given birth, or would be still waiting, but today (clock just changed to 12) I remember Rory Tatum.

Rory I never meet you, I never held you in my arms, but I love you and I miss you.  I wish I could be selfish and take you away from Heaven and bring you to this earth, but I can't.  Why would you want to leave?

I find it ironic that Oct. 14 was your EDD and Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (the whole month actually is) and 7 PM many will be lighting their candles.  I plan on lighting candles for my babies.  Please share your pictures and names if you want.  If you share with me I plan on somehow taking the pictures and names and creating a collage to share later this month.  You can email those to girlofgod12485@yahoo.com with a subject line of Oct. 15.

For today I remember Rory Tatum.  I love you and one day we will be together.