Things have been hectic, yet I'm on bed rest so not sure why. Mostly I think I've just been avoiding everything, which takes lots of effort. My ovary issue is still messing up majorly. My doctor, or doctors actually, are at a loss. Things looked like they were improving, but they have acted up again.
Next week I will be undergoing a bunch of test. I'm a little nervous, but at the same time I'm not. I want this to end. I want to move on. There have been a lot of possibilities thrown around, from an auto-immune to cancer. It's funny, being told I might have cancer should scare me, but it doesn't. I also don't think that's what I have. I know that as of right now a lot of things are pointing in that direction, but I don't feel worried about it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was an auto-immune though. That can be easily dealt with.
The last few weeks have been emotional challenging. There seems to be pregnancy announcements everywhere. Whenever I hear of one it's always close to where I would have been and it stings. It feels like somebody has punched me in the chest and I can't catch my breath. It has always been painful and for each of my pregnancies I have at least one friend or family member with a baby close, but it hurts more this time. I know it's because we are done trying. We are moving on. We want to adopt someday, but we need to focus on buying a house and moving into a larger home so we can pass inspection. Each announcement not only holds the pain of remember the babies we didn't get to bring home, or of the years we have been trying, but now it's a reminder that we will never get to do that. We won't get to have any fun announcements, never get to have the moment of seeing our child born or watch their growth via ultrasound. We are done and it won't happen.
We finally shared with in-laws that we are done. I'm not even sure at this point how I feel about the whole thing. I do know I'm grateful for my husband because when his mother tried to push donor egg and surrogacy, he made it clear that it was a choice we already made, TOGETHER. We had already thought about every possible angle, and we were sure we were done.
Next week I will begin a long series of test. For now I just wait.