Pain that Brings Healing

 Today I woke up with a massive migraine.  I've done everything I could to get rid of it, from cold cloth on my head, sunglasses even indoors, caffeine, and my medicine, but it hasn't even touched the pain this time.  I've had really bad endo pains as well today.  Every movement hurt like hell, but at the end of the day I was almost thankful for the pain.

The physical pain from today was a big distraction.  I'm used to dealing with this kind of pain, so I managed to still get stuff done.  I had to often sit and rest to keep the pain from taking over and causing nausea and dizziness, but that is easy to live with.  I actually felt something other than anger.  I felt pain.  I needed to feel pain.  I've been stuck in this weird cycle. Anger being my leading emotion, most often followed by a few short burst of tears and then numbness.

I've gone through the motions of living.  I've been around other people and managed to keep up on those superficial conversations, but it's been in a feeling of numbness and an attitude of "whatever."  I even had a discussion about my ring and why we choose to go with the birth month for my stones and how far along each one was.  I explained and I answered all these questions, it should have sparked an emotion, but it didn't.  I was a robot.

Today I finally felt.  It may not have been the emotional break I needed, but it's a start.  Today I felt that for once I might be able to heal from this.  I doubt my ability to be strong, and I don't know if I'll ever be okay if God's choice for my life is to never have a biological child, but I'll heal from these losses.  I'm still terrified to try again, and I always will be.  I'm just as sad to admit we may have to give up on this dream, but I'm healing.  I'm moving forward.

  

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

Being Pulled back Down

Just when I think I'm finally beginning to heal, things go to crap.  A young couple I know just got pregnant.  I should be able to be happy, but I'm not.  He is the son of one of my best friends, who is like a sister to me.  So it's like my nephew is having a baby.  A baby that his wife tried for just to avoid being forced into a job.  I don't know how to feel.  It's like I'm becoming a great aunt before I even get to be a mother.  My good friend, who isn't that old, is becoming a grandmother before I get to be a mother.

Ever since I heard all this news I've been texting back and forth with my friend who is at a loss of what to do.  Her son just moved back home with his wife.  They have no job and are not doing that great of a job of looking for one, and now they have a baby coming.  She and her husband are at a loss of what to do.  While I feel badly for them, I can't help but be jealous.  I'm jealous of a 19 year old couple who forced pregnancy in order to get more financial help.   It just doesn't make any sense to me.  How is this at all possible? I just cannot understand how people unprepared and unequipped to raise a child is allowed one.  Am I really going to be that horrible of a mother?  I know it can't be my husband. I have absolutely no doubt he will be an amazing father.  It's my fault and I wish I knew what to do to fix it.

I've been fighting back tears all day.  I feel like such a loser and a jerk for being so emotionally upset about them getting pregnant, yet whenever I think about I get angry and I just want to cry.  Will this feeling ever pass?  Will I ever not want to burst into tears whenever I read or hear of a pregnancy or a birth?  I hate that I've become this way.  I hate it with a passion.  

I'll sign off for now, with no happy uplifting words, since they fail me at this moment.

For the moment I'm angry, bitter, and depressed.

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.  

Trying to Breathe

I feel as though I've been punched in the chest at the end of January and I'm still gasping for air. 6 weeks ago I was 2 weeks pregnant.  I would have been 8 weeks pregnant right now.  I would have been able to hear a heartbeat, but now I'm sitting here with an empty womb and an aching heart struggling to move forward.

How does a person move on after one loss, let alone three?  How do I move on from 3 dead babies?  Why can't I just have 1, that's all I'm asking for.  I've never felt so stuck and so lost after a loss.  I don't know if this loss was harder because of the fact it was an ectopic and we had to choose to end it, or if it is because this marks number 3.  I wish I knew what to do.  Medically and physically we can't try again until the end of this month.  Even though it's because physically I'm not well off, it's been nice not trying.  It is nice not having to think about being somewhere that I can inject myself.  It's nice not timing out my trigger shot so that my husband and I are together.  It's nice when our time together is because we want to be together, not because of trying to time everything perfectly.

I want to stop trying, I don't want to deal with anymore loss, but I can't seem to make myself give up the dream.  I don't understand, and I wonder if I'm being selfish.  I think if it was easy to get pregnant, then maybe I would be, but it takes us lots of time and money to get pregnant.  I do have to wonder if I'm missing some big huge flashing sign from God during all this.  We can't get pregnant naturally, and even when we manage to "force" a pregnancy it just ends in disaster.

It just doesn't make any sense, and I can't understand it.  There is no easy answer to this.  We've prayed, discussed, and researched and yet we are no closer to knowing what to do.  I still have time to decide, but I don't have a lot.  We know my eggs are few and waiting too long could force an answer.

Saturday I had a wedding I went to.  I didn't even know if I was going to make it, but my doctor cleared me to go.  I'm not sure I'm happy about that.  My friend has made me feel guilty for missing her showers even though she knew what was going on.  She barely said anything to me about our situation. I don't know why I've put so much effort into this friendship, when she clearly couldn't care less about it.  )

I know weddings are crazy and go in a blur, I was married after all, but she barely said 2 words to me and my other friend.  Which is sad, we all were close at one time, and people often referred to us as the 3 Amigas.  It sadness me that after all the time and effort I've put into, not only getting to her wedding (a 3.5 hour drive there and back, all in one day) but in our friendship that it means nothing to her.  It was made very  clear at her wedding though that what we suspected was true, she really doesn't care if she sees us or not.  We got a very quick hug as she made her rounds around to all the tables, and she took off before we could even say congrats.  During the dancing parts she would signal her "other bffs" to go dance with her, but completely ignored us.  We did managed to get a picture of the three of us, but that only happened because when we asked for one, her mother was there, and her mom was all excited.  Her mom pretty much helped raise me after I moved to California and she acted happier to see me than the bride did.

On the good side though, I had a lovely conversation with her sister and her husband.  Which was nice.  I never got to spend too much time talking to her growing up because her sister had some jealousy issues of her sister spent too much time with her friends. I think the bride was a bit annoyed we talked at all, because when it was time to go she blatantly ignored us.  My friend and I went to hunt down the bride to say goodbye.  She made eye contact from a distance, as she was hugging somebody, so I waved, to let her know we wanted to go.  She then turned around to talk to somebody else.  We waiting, I mean I know everybody wants the Bride's attention at the wedding, so I was being patient.  Then she turns around and starts walking away, which is in my direction, so once she is looking in my direction I wave my arms like a lunatic.  She turns around to talk to somebody else.  Now, I'm a little annoyed.  When she finishes, she turns back towards the reception hall makes eye contact and continues to walk away, purposefully ignoring us.  I say loud enough for her the hear "ok, goodbye then." She finally turns around and acknowledges us and acts as though she hasn't seen us until then.  I'm trying to be understanding, I know as a Bride things get crazy and go in a blur and you don't realize what you're doing half the time, but with all the past issues, I just can't seem to believe that was true in this case.

After her wedding sometime the three of us are suppose to sit down and talk through the mess of friendship this have become . The only reason this is promised to us is because I finally told her I was done and was not going to stick around putting myself through hell just to be her friend if she doesn't want this friendship.  During the time it was too stressful during the planning of her wedding to work things out.  Which I can  understand.  I would even think her lack of being a friend could be explained from the busyness of wedding planning, but her lack of friendship has been longer than her engagement.  It has been a few years.  Well really longer if I want to be honest, but bad enough that I've been hurt and angered with in the last few years, even before she started dating her now husband, at least the second time.  I'm not even sure this is a friendship that is worth saving anymore.