Friday, March 30, 2012

Pain that Brings Healing

 Today I woke up with a massive migraine.  I've done everything I could to get rid of it, from cold cloth on my head, sunglasses even indoors, caffeine, and my medicine, but it hasn't even touched the pain this time.  I've had really bad endo pains as well today.  Every movement hurt like hell, but at the end of the day I was almost thankful for the pain.

The physical pain from today was a big distraction.  I'm used to dealing with this kind of pain, so I managed to still get stuff done.  I had to often sit and rest to keep the pain from taking over and causing nausea and dizziness, but that is easy to live with.  I actually felt something other than anger.  I felt pain.  I needed to feel pain.  I've been stuck in this weird cycle. Anger being my leading emotion, most often followed by a few short burst of tears and then numbness.

I've gone through the motions of living.  I've been around other people and managed to keep up on those superficial conversations, but it's been in a feeling of numbness and an attitude of "whatever."  I even had a discussion about my ring and why we choose to go with the birth month for my stones and how far along each one was.  I explained and I answered all these questions, it should have sparked an emotion, but it didn't.  I was a robot.

Today I finally felt.  It may not have been the emotional break I needed, but it's a start.  Today I felt that for once I might be able to heal from this.  I doubt my ability to be strong, and I don't know if I'll ever be okay if God's choice for my life is to never have a biological child, but I'll heal from these losses.  I'm still terrified to try again, and I always will be.  I'm just as sad to admit we may have to give up on this dream, but I'm healing.  I'm moving forward.


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