Monday, March 12, 2012

Trying to Breathe

I feel as though I've been punched in the chest at the end of January and I'm still gasping for air. 6 weeks ago I was 2 weeks pregnant.  I would have been 8 weeks pregnant right now.  I would have been able to hear a heartbeat, but now I'm sitting here with an empty womb and an aching heart struggling to move forward.

How does a person move on after one loss, let alone three?  How do I move on from 3 dead babies?  Why can't I just have 1, that's all I'm asking for.  I've never felt so stuck and so lost after a loss.  I don't know if this loss was harder because of the fact it was an ectopic and we had to choose to end it, or if it is because this marks number 3.  I wish I knew what to do.  Medically and physically we can't try again until the end of this month.  Even though it's because physically I'm not well off, it's been nice not trying.  It is nice not having to think about being somewhere that I can inject myself.  It's nice not timing out my trigger shot so that my husband and I are together.  It's nice when our time together is because we want to be together, not because of trying to time everything perfectly.

I want to stop trying, I don't want to deal with anymore loss, but I can't seem to make myself give up the dream.  I don't understand, and I wonder if I'm being selfish.  I think if it was easy to get pregnant, then maybe I would be, but it takes us lots of time and money to get pregnant.  I do have to wonder if I'm missing some big huge flashing sign from God during all this.  We can't get pregnant naturally, and even when we manage to "force" a pregnancy it just ends in disaster.

It just doesn't make any sense, and I can't understand it.  There is no easy answer to this.  We've prayed, discussed, and researched and yet we are no closer to knowing what to do.  I still have time to decide, but I don't have a lot.  We know my eggs are few and waiting too long could force an answer.

Saturday I had a wedding I went to.  I didn't even know if I was going to make it, but my doctor cleared me to go.  I'm not sure I'm happy about that.  My friend has made me feel guilty for missing her showers even though she knew what was going on.  She barely said anything to me about our situation. I don't know why I've put so much effort into this friendship, when she clearly couldn't care less about it.  )

I know weddings are crazy and go in a blur, I was married after all, but she barely said 2 words to me and my other friend.  Which is sad, we all were close at one time, and people often referred to us as the 3 Amigas.  It sadness me that after all the time and effort I've put into, not only getting to her wedding (a 3.5 hour drive there and back, all in one day) but in our friendship that it means nothing to her.  It was made very  clear at her wedding though that what we suspected was true, she really doesn't care if she sees us or not.  We got a very quick hug as she made her rounds around to all the tables, and she took off before we could even say congrats.  During the dancing parts she would signal her "other bffs" to go dance with her, but completely ignored us.  We did managed to get a picture of the three of us, but that only happened because when we asked for one, her mother was there, and her mom was all excited.  Her mom pretty much helped raise me after I moved to California and she acted happier to see me than the bride did.

On the good side though, I had a lovely conversation with her sister and her husband.  Which was nice.  I never got to spend too much time talking to her growing up because her sister had some jealousy issues of her sister spent too much time with her friends. I think the bride was a bit annoyed we talked at all, because when it was time to go she blatantly ignored us.  My friend and I went to hunt down the bride to say goodbye.  She made eye contact from a distance, as she was hugging somebody, so I waved, to let her know we wanted to go.  She then turned around to talk to somebody else.  We waiting, I mean I know everybody wants the Bride's attention at the wedding, so I was being patient.  Then she turns around and starts walking away, which is in my direction, so once she is looking in my direction I wave my arms like a lunatic.  She turns around to talk to somebody else.  Now, I'm a little annoyed.  When she finishes, she turns back towards the reception hall makes eye contact and continues to walk away, purposefully ignoring us.  I say loud enough for her the hear "ok, goodbye then." She finally turns around and acknowledges us and acts as though she hasn't seen us until then.  I'm trying to be understanding, I know as a Bride things get crazy and go in a blur and you don't realize what you're doing half the time, but with all the past issues, I just can't seem to believe that was true in this case.

After her wedding sometime the three of us are suppose to sit down and talk through the mess of friendship this have become . The only reason this is promised to us is because I finally told her I was done and was not going to stick around putting myself through hell just to be her friend if she doesn't want this friendship.  During the time it was too stressful during the planning of her wedding to work things out.  Which I can  understand.  I would even think her lack of being a friend could be explained from the busyness of wedding planning, but her lack of friendship has been longer than her engagement.  It has been a few years.  Well really longer if I want to be honest, but bad enough that I've been hurt and angered with in the last few years, even before she started dating her now husband, at least the second time.  I'm not even sure this is a friendship that is worth saving anymore.

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