Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Being Pulled back Down

Just when I think I'm finally beginning to heal, things go to crap.  A young couple I know just got pregnant.  I should be able to be happy, but I'm not.  He is the son of one of my best friends, who is like a sister to me.  So it's like my nephew is having a baby.  A baby that his wife tried for just to avoid being forced into a job.  I don't know how to feel.  It's like I'm becoming a great aunt before I even get to be a mother.  My good friend, who isn't that old, is becoming a grandmother before I get to be a mother.

Ever since I heard all this news I've been texting back and forth with my friend who is at a loss of what to do.  Her son just moved back home with his wife.  They have no job and are not doing that great of a job of looking for one, and now they have a baby coming.  She and her husband are at a loss of what to do.  While I feel badly for them, I can't help but be jealous.  I'm jealous of a 19 year old couple who forced pregnancy in order to get more financial help.   It just doesn't make any sense to me.  How is this at all possible? I just cannot understand how people unprepared and unequipped to raise a child is allowed one.  Am I really going to be that horrible of a mother?  I know it can't be my husband. I have absolutely no doubt he will be an amazing father.  It's my fault and I wish I knew what to do to fix it.

I've been fighting back tears all day.  I feel like such a loser and a jerk for being so emotionally upset about them getting pregnant, yet whenever I think about I get angry and I just want to cry.  Will this feeling ever pass?  Will I ever not want to burst into tears whenever I read or hear of a pregnancy or a birth?  I hate that I've become this way.  I hate it with a passion.  

I'll sign off for now, with no happy uplifting words, since they fail me at this moment.

For the moment I'm angry, bitter, and depressed.

2 comments:

  1. You have every right to feel the way you do about this young, foolish couple. It's not right bringing a baby into the world for their reason, and the system is wrong in allowing this to happen. But that is only one reason it's so wrong.

    You won't be a horrible mother honey. You'll be a loving, caring and supportive one.

    Take gentle care of yourself.

    xXx

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