Just when I think I'm finally beginning to heal, things go to crap. A young couple I know just got pregnant. I should be able to be happy, but I'm not. He is the son of one of my best friends, who is like a sister to me. So it's like my nephew is having a baby. A baby that his wife tried for just to avoid being forced into a job. I don't know how to feel. It's like I'm becoming a great aunt before I even get to be a mother. My good friend, who isn't that old, is becoming a grandmother before I get to be a mother.
Ever since I heard all this news I've been texting back and forth with my friend who is at a loss of what to do. Her son just moved back home with his wife. They have no job and are not doing that great of a job of looking for one, and now they have a baby coming. She and her husband are at a loss of what to do. While I feel badly for them, I can't help but be jealous. I'm jealous of a 19 year old couple who forced pregnancy in order to get more financial help. It just doesn't make any sense to me. How is this at all possible? I just cannot understand how people unprepared and unequipped to raise a child is allowed one. Am I really going to be that horrible of a mother? I know it can't be my husband. I have absolutely no doubt he will be an amazing father. It's my fault and I wish I knew what to do to fix it.
I've been fighting back tears all day. I feel like such a loser and a jerk for being so emotionally upset about them getting pregnant, yet whenever I think about I get angry and I just want to cry. Will this feeling ever pass? Will I ever not want to burst into tears whenever I read or hear of a pregnancy or a birth? I hate that I've become this way. I hate it with a passion.
I'll sign off for now, with no happy uplifting words, since they fail me at this moment.
For the moment I'm angry, bitter, and depressed.