Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Being Pulled back Down

Just when I think I'm finally beginning to heal, things go to crap.  A young couple I know just got pregnant.  I should be able to be happy, but I'm not.  He is the son of one of my best friends, who is like a sister to me.  So it's like my nephew is having a baby.  A baby that his wife tried for just to avoid being forced into a job.  I don't know how to feel.  It's like I'm becoming a great aunt before I even get to be a mother.  My good friend, who isn't that old, is becoming a grandmother before I get to be a mother.

Ever since I heard all this news I've been texting back and forth with my friend who is at a loss of what to do.  Her son just moved back home with his wife.  They have no job and are not doing that great of a job of looking for one, and now they have a baby coming.  She and her husband are at a loss of what to do.  While I feel badly for them, I can't help but be jealous.  I'm jealous of a 19 year old couple who forced pregnancy in order to get more financial help.   It just doesn't make any sense to me.  How is this at all possible? I just cannot understand how people unprepared and unequipped to raise a child is allowed one.  Am I really going to be that horrible of a mother?  I know it can't be my husband. I have absolutely no doubt he will be an amazing father.  It's my fault and I wish I knew what to do to fix it.

I've been fighting back tears all day.  I feel like such a loser and a jerk for being so emotionally upset about them getting pregnant, yet whenever I think about I get angry and I just want to cry.  Will this feeling ever pass?  Will I ever not want to burst into tears whenever I read or hear of a pregnancy or a birth?  I hate that I've become this way.  I hate it with a passion.  

I'll sign off for now, with no happy uplifting words, since they fail me at this moment.

For the moment I'm angry, bitter, and depressed.


  1. You have every right to feel the way you do about this young, foolish couple. It's not right bringing a baby into the world for their reason, and the system is wrong in allowing this to happen. But that is only one reason it's so wrong.

    You won't be a horrible mother honey. You'll be a loving, caring and supportive one.

    Take gentle care of yourself.